Its been a month.. I have to say looking back I don't even know how I made it to this first month anniversary. So many roller coaster emotions. I know that when stuff happens in your life that for a short time the world stops and grieves with you and then it continues to move forward.
I'm slowly getting back on my feet, there are more good moments now and there are less tears then before. Can I say that its all better? That the pain is gone? No I cant, but I can see progress and that counts for something. I still have days were its hard, in fact I still count hour to hour vs day to day. I am very lucky to have such great friends in my life, they have paved the path ahead of me with love and understanding. I could not ask for more. I also have a renewed faith in God.. I believe now more then ever that he has a plan for Barry and I, and while I may still get frustrated that I can't have all the answers now I am learning to trust and be patient (not easy for me believe me!)
I have made the decision about going back to work.. I think that the longer I stay away the harder it gets to go back.. so I finally decided that I will reenter the work world on the 28th of Feb. Its gonna be hard, that next major hurdle to get over, but I think that once I get back that will begin the next phase of healing and moving forward. So I'm gonna go on our trip and look forward to the productivity of work and getting back to my life.
I can honestly say that I am forever changed by this experience and I don't think that it would be right if I wasn't but I hope that from this I will be a stronger person. I believe that God does not give us anything we cant handle, even if we feel like we cant he knows our limits.
I miss Abby, I miss having her and feeling her life force.. but as someone recently told me not many people have the honour of having a daughter in heaven, and that is a rare and precious gift. I have a special angel that will watch over me and one day I will see her again. My heart has a sore spot when I think of April 21st and how I will feel that day, but I have to trust and believe that there is a bigger plan for Barry and I and that one day we will have children here on earth that will add to our family that now included our angel. Yes its been a month, and what a month its been....
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Thanks Eryn....
The nice thing about life is that you go through it and you make friends along the way, and even though you may go months and years without seeing them its nice to know that they are still with you in spirit all the time. My friend and Camp Co Eryn sent me these pics to remind me the fun filled days we had up at Camp Rainbow. Eryn and I were "Co's" Each week we handled (I don't know how) a group of 12-15 off the wall teen age girls. The kids would come up to camp with all the attitude in the world and spend a week with us. On top of trying to keep track of them all I was in nursing school and had the added duties of being the first aid girl. AKA the one to hand out the Ritalin- watch out Tom Cruise Ritalin is much needed in this world!!
We also had fun camp names, that we told the kids and parents (I guess they were trying to protect us from any issues that's why we did not use real names these kids were from shall we say troubled back grounds) Anyway Eryn was given the name "Tonka" like the Tonka truck because she was the tough girl (but I saw the softer side even if she had the worst music test ever! No more road trips on days off with that loud stuff!) I was given the name Daisy AKA Daisy Duke.. why you ask? if you have ever watched the Dukes of Hazzard you know that Daisy was always on the walkie Talkie giving instructions. That was me, on the walkie all the time.. and unfortunately I dropped one in the lake during a canoe trip and well it was never the same again.
Anyway a blast from the past these pics are. Eryn, you and I share some similar situations and I thank you for your ongoing emails of encouragement. When I get back from my trip I will come to see you. Thanks for reminding me how fun I am.
Getting ready to give out the days Ritalin!!!! I needed some too! Oh by the way the super blond hair.. yeah BIG MISTAKE! Why you think at camp that you need to die your hair on your day off is beyond me, must be a boredom thing!
We also had fun camp names, that we told the kids and parents (I guess they were trying to protect us from any issues that's why we did not use real names these kids were from shall we say troubled back grounds) Anyway Eryn was given the name "Tonka" like the Tonka truck because she was the tough girl (but I saw the softer side even if she had the worst music test ever! No more road trips on days off with that loud stuff!) I was given the name Daisy AKA Daisy Duke.. why you ask? if you have ever watched the Dukes of Hazzard you know that Daisy was always on the walkie Talkie giving instructions. That was me, on the walkie all the time.. and unfortunately I dropped one in the lake during a canoe trip and well it was never the same again.
Anyway a blast from the past these pics are. Eryn, you and I share some similar situations and I thank you for your ongoing emails of encouragement. When I get back from my trip I will come to see you. Thanks for reminding me how fun I am.
Getting ready to give out the days Ritalin!!!! I needed some too! Oh by the way the super blond hair.. yeah BIG MISTAKE! Why you think at camp that you need to die your hair on your day off is beyond me, must be a boredom thing!
Me and my cuddly Co!! To think that each week those girls tried to kill us! Who would want to hurt these faces... Lets never forget the 3 day out trips: wet clothes, dehydrated food, late night watch for girls seeking out.. so much fun !
I still love my Co Tonka! To all the good days past I'll never forget them, and to all the good days to come.
Monday, January 29, 2007
Remember this...
I posted this picture to remind myself of a simpler time.. this was taken at a Christmas party a year ago. Things were so different then.. Barry and I had only been married 3 months, we were focused on just "us" and having fun. It seemed like a simple time, and it was fun, I feel like it was just such a neat time. I say this to any newlyweds enjoy this time cause you never know when things will come your way that challenge you. So when they do you can look back and smile and realize that you have the good times to hold you up during the not so good ones.
Keeping myself sane and together is day to day minute to minute battle. I don't expect that people reading this will understand me totally, we all have different issues and struggles to deal with.. but for me it is a battle. I feel like I wake up each day and while I aim for the positive and I work to stay there, the times come when I just feel weak and I cant keep my head above the water. So I struggle and worry and fight. The only good thing is that I eventually surface from what feels like near drowning and I manage to carry on.
So looking at this goofy picture of Barry and I what do I hope for the future? I hope that we can learn to play again, to have fun and not feel like theres a weight of sad somewhere in the back ground. I want to laugh and mean it fully, a belly laugh where at the end you just feel good. I laugh but often at the end I'm have a feeling in my gut that reminds me of where I am. I want to not have silence, sometimes I'm silent (that's so not like me which I'm sure most of you know). I can sit in silence for long periods of time just lost in my thoughts, thoughts that take me back to Dec 31st I relive the day in my mind with great intensity. I recall each action and feeling of the day and I relive it. I want my belief system to be easy, I want to just believe without the mental struggle to tell myself that I believe its going to be OK, I want to just know its OK and rest in that peace.
People may laugh at this but I have a mini lab in my house, I long for a day where I don't have an alarm set for 7am to take a temperature write it down, and later chart it on a computer program that will analyze my every female function. I have pee sticks for hormones, I have pees sticks for pregnancy, and if I were honest I would admit that I want the newest saliva tests for ovulation. I want to know how people do it.. how do people accidentally get pregnant? How is that humanly possible? There are like 3 days a month that its possible, I want to know how they do it. I wish I could take the advice that people often give people in my boat the "just relax and it will happen advice". I have so many books, and resources and tests and things to aid in this process that it pretty much sucks the life out of the "fun" of it. Poor Barry!
Lastly I want to go back to being naive to being just a girl who knows nothing about having babies accept that you should have sex to make one. Instead I'm stuck in my brain who chose to go into obstetrics and thus I know to much of what can go wrong and did go wrong for us.... So I look at my picture and I smile and I even when my heart feels heavy I tell myself that there will be pictures like that again, and that the future is bright even if my hearts not in it, perhaps my head and my heart will meet one day and decide to agree, that would be great.
Keeping myself sane and together is day to day minute to minute battle. I don't expect that people reading this will understand me totally, we all have different issues and struggles to deal with.. but for me it is a battle. I feel like I wake up each day and while I aim for the positive and I work to stay there, the times come when I just feel weak and I cant keep my head above the water. So I struggle and worry and fight. The only good thing is that I eventually surface from what feels like near drowning and I manage to carry on.
So looking at this goofy picture of Barry and I what do I hope for the future? I hope that we can learn to play again, to have fun and not feel like theres a weight of sad somewhere in the back ground. I want to laugh and mean it fully, a belly laugh where at the end you just feel good. I laugh but often at the end I'm have a feeling in my gut that reminds me of where I am. I want to not have silence, sometimes I'm silent (that's so not like me which I'm sure most of you know). I can sit in silence for long periods of time just lost in my thoughts, thoughts that take me back to Dec 31st I relive the day in my mind with great intensity. I recall each action and feeling of the day and I relive it. I want my belief system to be easy, I want to just believe without the mental struggle to tell myself that I believe its going to be OK, I want to just know its OK and rest in that peace.
People may laugh at this but I have a mini lab in my house, I long for a day where I don't have an alarm set for 7am to take a temperature write it down, and later chart it on a computer program that will analyze my every female function. I have pee sticks for hormones, I have pees sticks for pregnancy, and if I were honest I would admit that I want the newest saliva tests for ovulation. I want to know how people do it.. how do people accidentally get pregnant? How is that humanly possible? There are like 3 days a month that its possible, I want to know how they do it. I wish I could take the advice that people often give people in my boat the "just relax and it will happen advice". I have so many books, and resources and tests and things to aid in this process that it pretty much sucks the life out of the "fun" of it. Poor Barry!
Lastly I want to go back to being naive to being just a girl who knows nothing about having babies accept that you should have sex to make one. Instead I'm stuck in my brain who chose to go into obstetrics and thus I know to much of what can go wrong and did go wrong for us.... So I look at my picture and I smile and I even when my heart feels heavy I tell myself that there will be pictures like that again, and that the future is bright even if my hearts not in it, perhaps my head and my heart will meet one day and decide to agree, that would be great.
Weeks ahead
We are officially 2 week away from our vacation. In fact in 2 weeks I'm going to be sitting on a tropical beach! I cant wait! Some people want to travel the world and see interesting things and have big adventures, myself I would rather find a beach with white sand blue water and lots and lots of heat! As I look at the temp outside I can not stress enough how much I want some heat!
Next week I go back to see my Doctor. I am very anxious about this visit, I did all that blood work and stuff so alot of those results will be back, and its a little stressful to think that I could find out that theres something wrong with me that caused this. I don't know what is worse to think that I am the cause of our loss, or to look the doctor in the eye and hear those dread words: we don't know why. Either way answers of some sort are better then nothing. I expect that I will also get some answers about when we can think about trying again.
I'm trying to really rely on my faith right now to let whatever happens happen. I have been waiting for 4 weeks for this appointment that will be in 10 days, and I have places so much of my hopes on it... but I'm starting to realize that whatever the outcome its not the appointment that's getting me through its God. I know that not everyone who reads my blog believes as I do, and that's OK I'm just sharing my own thoughts. I just have to say this: I know that no matter what the doctor tells me on the 8th it does not matter because I'm trusting that God will be the one to get me through the outcomes and see me through my next pregnancy to a healthy baby.
So we have the visit to the doctor, the nice vacation and then I must face my scariest challenge.. going back to work. I have been searching my heart and I think that I have to get back in the saddle and face the world.... I like my job and the people its just hard to think about facing everyone and the questions that will likely be asked. Also the more people you expose yourself to the more chances that someone will say something stupid. Sorry to say that its just human nature... how many of us can say that when something bad happened to us that there was not someone some where that says something dumb. I guess I cant worry about that.. but its one of my sources of stress is dealing with people who don't have tack. On the bright side I think getting back to work and being productive will be good for me. Take my mind off things.
So as I enter February there is lots ahead, time to start to enter the real world again. I hope its easier then it appears to be. Lucky for me I have good people around me.
Next week I go back to see my Doctor. I am very anxious about this visit, I did all that blood work and stuff so alot of those results will be back, and its a little stressful to think that I could find out that theres something wrong with me that caused this. I don't know what is worse to think that I am the cause of our loss, or to look the doctor in the eye and hear those dread words: we don't know why. Either way answers of some sort are better then nothing. I expect that I will also get some answers about when we can think about trying again.
I'm trying to really rely on my faith right now to let whatever happens happen. I have been waiting for 4 weeks for this appointment that will be in 10 days, and I have places so much of my hopes on it... but I'm starting to realize that whatever the outcome its not the appointment that's getting me through its God. I know that not everyone who reads my blog believes as I do, and that's OK I'm just sharing my own thoughts. I just have to say this: I know that no matter what the doctor tells me on the 8th it does not matter because I'm trusting that God will be the one to get me through the outcomes and see me through my next pregnancy to a healthy baby.
So we have the visit to the doctor, the nice vacation and then I must face my scariest challenge.. going back to work. I have been searching my heart and I think that I have to get back in the saddle and face the world.... I like my job and the people its just hard to think about facing everyone and the questions that will likely be asked. Also the more people you expose yourself to the more chances that someone will say something stupid. Sorry to say that its just human nature... how many of us can say that when something bad happened to us that there was not someone some where that says something dumb. I guess I cant worry about that.. but its one of my sources of stress is dealing with people who don't have tack. On the bright side I think getting back to work and being productive will be good for me. Take my mind off things.
So as I enter February there is lots ahead, time to start to enter the real world again. I hope its easier then it appears to be. Lucky for me I have good people around me.
Thanks to my Sex in the City gals....
Another Monday, a first week as 30. I just wanted to send out a shout to Julia, Nancy, and Missy for the great birthday on the weekend. For those of you who don't know Julia picked me up Saturday morning and drove me to Cobourg (I had no idea what we were doing there). Anyway we got to this beautiful spa, they gave us robes and we sat in this fancy room drinking tea. It was quite relaxing. Then what do my eyes see but an additional surprise of Missy and Nancy showing up!! It was a great day we all got massages and spent some time lounging in the steam room, followed by lunch.
The title of my blog is actually due to one smart husband (Ian if your reading this its you who first said it) The four of us are much like that show Sex in the City (I have most of it on DVD) for those of you who have never watched the show its about 4 women who are friends living in New York city. Its quirky and its about their daily struggles and issues and how they rely on the friendships with the other girls to get through the stuff they deal with. I can see traits of each character in us, I have been told that without a doubt I'm a Charlotte. She is the character who always tries to make everything perfect and is always very idealistic. If you saw her I think you would see it. I dare not try and nail down my friends to each character but I think they could tell you who they are most like. Anyway thanks to the girls (and the girls know who they are ha ha little inside joke there) for a great day!
The day was followed with an equally fun night with the men in our life. Who would not love Lone Star grill?? Of course the fun was increased when I was the center of embarrassment due to the staff singing and putting a bit cowboy hat on my head. All the could think while I was being humiliated was - how gross who knows where this hat has been!!
All in all a very fitting 30th birthday. Thanks to everyone who made it great!
The title of my blog is actually due to one smart husband (Ian if your reading this its you who first said it) The four of us are much like that show Sex in the City (I have most of it on DVD) for those of you who have never watched the show its about 4 women who are friends living in New York city. Its quirky and its about their daily struggles and issues and how they rely on the friendships with the other girls to get through the stuff they deal with. I can see traits of each character in us, I have been told that without a doubt I'm a Charlotte. She is the character who always tries to make everything perfect and is always very idealistic. If you saw her I think you would see it. I dare not try and nail down my friends to each character but I think they could tell you who they are most like. Anyway thanks to the girls (and the girls know who they are ha ha little inside joke there) for a great day!
The day was followed with an equally fun night with the men in our life. Who would not love Lone Star grill?? Of course the fun was increased when I was the center of embarrassment due to the staff singing and putting a bit cowboy hat on my head. All the could think while I was being humiliated was - how gross who knows where this hat has been!!
All in all a very fitting 30th birthday. Thanks to everyone who made it great!
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Encouragement
Well I'm glad I did not stay in bed today, I got up and went to Church. Needless to say I felt encouraged. Ironically enough the message today was about encouragement. I'm in a time in my life when I dont mind admitting that I think I need more encouragement then perhaps I ever have before. I'm lucky that I have good people around me, many are not as lucky as I.
I'm going to try and make it my goal this week to give someone else some encouragement who needs it. Perhaps helping someone else will help me to give back. I don't know why things are so strange in my world, one moment up the I'm so low. Its hard and all I can do is take it a day at a time. I think last night when I got home I let my mind bite off more then it could chew and it spiralled out of control and I let myself get sucked into the worst case scenario. I have to resist that feeling and focus on the positive, even when its hard its always better to try to be positive then to let yourself be negative. Anyway I think anger is a stage of grief and I was definitely feeling some real anger when I woke up, now I'm OK and I think I am gonna have a nap I feel tired, but OK.
I'm going to try and make it my goal this week to give someone else some encouragement who needs it. Perhaps helping someone else will help me to give back. I don't know why things are so strange in my world, one moment up the I'm so low. Its hard and all I can do is take it a day at a time. I think last night when I got home I let my mind bite off more then it could chew and it spiralled out of control and I let myself get sucked into the worst case scenario. I have to resist that feeling and focus on the positive, even when its hard its always better to try to be positive then to let yourself be negative. Anyway I think anger is a stage of grief and I was definitely feeling some real anger when I woke up, now I'm OK and I think I am gonna have a nap I feel tired, but OK.
I think I've said it all....
I have been awake for hours with a feeling of dread in my stomach. I don't know how to describe it. After a month of blogging my way through every possible emotion, I find that today I don't have any words... no words to work through it and no words to understand it. I'm beyond words, and for some reason today I feel angry. That's all theres no more right now.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
30 Years of Cherie
As I turn 30 I thought it would be best to take a look back at the past 3 decades full of the good, the bad and the ugly (that would be the bad hair and extra large glasses).
Enjoy!!
Enjoy!!
This is how 29 looks....
To the left to the left... all those who are 29 to the left.... Take a good look people tomorrow there will only be 30 year olds to the left!
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Reflections of my last two days of 29....
I have alot of thoughts in my head as I always do, so here are some reflections as I say goodbye to my 20's:
My shoes are to practical... as I approach gulp... dare I say it the big 3-0 I have come to the conclusion that I have nothing but boring shoes. I'm gonna be 30 and I don't own a pair sexy boots or shoes. What is wrong with this picture? So I went on a mission to find some today.. however I came up empty handed. The ones I tried were either fair to ridiculous or not that sexy. So I figure that gives me a mission for tomorrow.. I have officially 1 day left of my 20's... and I'm going to find those shoes.
I hate that I have grey hair.. another startling revelation in the last few months (thanks to a certain husband) that I have strands of gray.. yes not ver settling. So I have to take care of this problem. I need to take myself to the hair dressers and get something do, something that says I'm young and hip and there's no way I could be 30!
I should have started my family sooner.. now I'm leaving my most fertile years childless. I keep thinking if Barry and I had shortened our engagement, then maybe my dad would have been at the wedding, maybe we would have conceived sooner and things would have been better.. but I guess its all shouda woulda coulda and you cant live there.
I wish I had used more facial creams, then my skin would look nicer. I'm sure to turn into a wilted plant the day I turn 30. I am going to have to buy some expensive potion in a bottle to make me look 10 years younger.
I worry to much, I wish that I had spent more time dancing like no one was watching and less like everyone was watching. I think I did a good job of letting my hair down but I wish I had been a freer spirit.
I wish that I was going into 30 feeling more optimistic, I am to a point but right now Im a little jaded, I feel like I have been beaten down by life a bit. I wish I had a crystal ball that I could see the future.
People ask what do you want for your birthday, well I guess for starters to be turning 25 instead of 30 would be nice.... and I think everyone knows what I want ... but seeing as I cant have that maybe a really good quality piece of chcocolate cheesecake.
My shoes are to practical... as I approach gulp... dare I say it the big 3-0 I have come to the conclusion that I have nothing but boring shoes. I'm gonna be 30 and I don't own a pair sexy boots or shoes. What is wrong with this picture? So I went on a mission to find some today.. however I came up empty handed. The ones I tried were either fair to ridiculous or not that sexy. So I figure that gives me a mission for tomorrow.. I have officially 1 day left of my 20's... and I'm going to find those shoes.
I hate that I have grey hair.. another startling revelation in the last few months (thanks to a certain husband) that I have strands of gray.. yes not ver settling. So I have to take care of this problem. I need to take myself to the hair dressers and get something do, something that says I'm young and hip and there's no way I could be 30!
I should have started my family sooner.. now I'm leaving my most fertile years childless. I keep thinking if Barry and I had shortened our engagement, then maybe my dad would have been at the wedding, maybe we would have conceived sooner and things would have been better.. but I guess its all shouda woulda coulda and you cant live there.
I wish I had used more facial creams, then my skin would look nicer. I'm sure to turn into a wilted plant the day I turn 30. I am going to have to buy some expensive potion in a bottle to make me look 10 years younger.
I worry to much, I wish that I had spent more time dancing like no one was watching and less like everyone was watching. I think I did a good job of letting my hair down but I wish I had been a freer spirit.
I wish that I was going into 30 feeling more optimistic, I am to a point but right now Im a little jaded, I feel like I have been beaten down by life a bit. I wish I had a crystal ball that I could see the future.
People ask what do you want for your birthday, well I guess for starters to be turning 25 instead of 30 would be nice.... and I think everyone knows what I want ... but seeing as I cant have that maybe a really good quality piece of chcocolate cheesecake.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
They are every where....
Have you ever noticed that when something is bothering you and your trying to just move on and deal with it in a healthy way it ends up right back in your face? Its fair to say (more then fair) that I have been slightly focused on pregnancy and childbirth this last while. I am making good progress I think, being productive and trying to find healthy outlets to deal with my feelings.
I'm fully aware that when you go out in the world there will be babies and pregnant people, heck thats life... but right now I do avoid places that I consider to be "hot zones" of activity like children's sections in Zellers, school areas, and certain parts of the mall.
So having said that here is my story: I decided I would like to challenge myself and go to a class at my new gym. I decided to go to the Body pump class its a weight toning class. I get there and I'm setting up my stuff when what before my eyes parks it self right in front of me? a obviously pregnant women. My first thought was you have got to be kidding me! It seemed like a cruel joke that I would be forced to not only share this class with her but that she would be in my direct line of vision. I would have moved but at this point the class was filling up and there was nowhere to go. So I took a deep breath and told myself what I tell myself on a hourly basis: that is her life not yours, you have to follow your own path, your not where you want to be right now but someday you will be. Then the cute male instructor started the class (hey I'm just saying ladies I can appreciate some beauty even if I'm married!!) I was then so distracted by the pain that he inflicted upon us that I forgot all about the belly staring me in the face.
I find I'm very sensitive to this stuff right now.. don't get me wrong I certainly don't begrudge anyone there happy life or having a baby, not at all. Its just hard to see it and wish that I had it again. I don't feel like crying as often as I did (I guess that's a good sign). However I just find that at times I'm drained by my sad and heavy heart. I am doing better, and I imagine that it will get easier, but right now I just wish there was a day that I did not think about it every hour.... As I have been told and have come to accept its not a linear process, knowing this I can go with the good times and ride out the bad times knowing the will pass.
There are a few good positive things I should mention to balance things out:
1. I'm enjoying exercising and eating healthy again
2. I'm excited about our upcoming trip, I think its just the getaway we need
3. I am looking forward to going back to my doctor on Feb 8th to get some test results and rule stuff out.
4. I should be back to trying again mid March, which while it seems far away is not really when you think how fast time flies.
5. I'm enjoying the new Church I have been going to, I have found alot of support and advice to help me
6. Barry and I are talking about moving (within Bowmanville) and we are pretty excited about the prospect of that. We enjoy the Sunday afternoon drive to look at places.
So that is some stuff that is good in my world. There of course is more but those are the highlights right now. Life is up and down, but I think that I can look back so far and see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel... I may not always know how I will reach it, but I know its there and for now that's good enough for me.
I'm fully aware that when you go out in the world there will be babies and pregnant people, heck thats life... but right now I do avoid places that I consider to be "hot zones" of activity like children's sections in Zellers, school areas, and certain parts of the mall.
So having said that here is my story: I decided I would like to challenge myself and go to a class at my new gym. I decided to go to the Body pump class its a weight toning class. I get there and I'm setting up my stuff when what before my eyes parks it self right in front of me? a obviously pregnant women. My first thought was you have got to be kidding me! It seemed like a cruel joke that I would be forced to not only share this class with her but that she would be in my direct line of vision. I would have moved but at this point the class was filling up and there was nowhere to go. So I took a deep breath and told myself what I tell myself on a hourly basis: that is her life not yours, you have to follow your own path, your not where you want to be right now but someday you will be. Then the cute male instructor started the class (hey I'm just saying ladies I can appreciate some beauty even if I'm married!!) I was then so distracted by the pain that he inflicted upon us that I forgot all about the belly staring me in the face.
I find I'm very sensitive to this stuff right now.. don't get me wrong I certainly don't begrudge anyone there happy life or having a baby, not at all. Its just hard to see it and wish that I had it again. I don't feel like crying as often as I did (I guess that's a good sign). However I just find that at times I'm drained by my sad and heavy heart. I am doing better, and I imagine that it will get easier, but right now I just wish there was a day that I did not think about it every hour.... As I have been told and have come to accept its not a linear process, knowing this I can go with the good times and ride out the bad times knowing the will pass.
There are a few good positive things I should mention to balance things out:
1. I'm enjoying exercising and eating healthy again
2. I'm excited about our upcoming trip, I think its just the getaway we need
3. I am looking forward to going back to my doctor on Feb 8th to get some test results and rule stuff out.
4. I should be back to trying again mid March, which while it seems far away is not really when you think how fast time flies.
5. I'm enjoying the new Church I have been going to, I have found alot of support and advice to help me
6. Barry and I are talking about moving (within Bowmanville) and we are pretty excited about the prospect of that. We enjoy the Sunday afternoon drive to look at places.
So that is some stuff that is good in my world. There of course is more but those are the highlights right now. Life is up and down, but I think that I can look back so far and see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel... I may not always know how I will reach it, but I know its there and for now that's good enough for me.
Monday, January 22, 2007
Today was manageable
Another day check off, complete, coming to a close. Today was alright, that may not sound like a glowing description to give to a day, but from where I sit alright is alright! I have really found that faith is getting me through this time in my life.
Today I started the day off by doing some work on a new scrape book.. everything was going fine until the phone rang, it was the lady I had given my info to about signing up for prenatal classes... of course I had to let her know what had happened and listen through her awkward sorry and stuff. Anyway I did have a little cry about that but I feel that I did alright considering. I was able to get back to my project 15 min later.
I had a nice afternoon I went to the gym and I then went out with a couple lovely ladies to see a movie. We saw Blood Diamond.... I will admit that I started out wanting to see a light movie to take my mind off life, however this movie was amazingly done and very moving. It did one thing for sure- made me see that my life could be a whole lot worse then it is! Anyway fun time Christiana and Megan lets do it again soon.
Its a baby step, I take things a day at a time, but today was manageable, and I do believe that I was not managing things alone.
Today I started the day off by doing some work on a new scrape book.. everything was going fine until the phone rang, it was the lady I had given my info to about signing up for prenatal classes... of course I had to let her know what had happened and listen through her awkward sorry and stuff. Anyway I did have a little cry about that but I feel that I did alright considering. I was able to get back to my project 15 min later.
I had a nice afternoon I went to the gym and I then went out with a couple lovely ladies to see a movie. We saw Blood Diamond.... I will admit that I started out wanting to see a light movie to take my mind off life, however this movie was amazingly done and very moving. It did one thing for sure- made me see that my life could be a whole lot worse then it is! Anyway fun time Christiana and Megan lets do it again soon.
Its a baby step, I take things a day at a time, but today was manageable, and I do believe that I was not managing things alone.
Sunday, January 21, 2007
The battle of the Mind
People fight battles all over the world every day for thousands of reasons. For me as I'm sure anyone who follows this roller coaster of a blog that is the case for me. I have been and continue to be engaging in a battle of my mind. On a daily basis I struggle to control my feelings and not be over come by the negative thoughts that creep in. I learned in church today about the battle of the mind, which I would say is exactly where I am finding myself these days.
It is so easy to wallow in the negative thoughts, so much harder is it to reframe your mind set and see the good and the positive hope. However when you are able to get yourself there you see the world in a more rational way. I just want my friends who have cared about me through this process to know that I'm going to the win the battle in my mind. I am grieving and it is a process that has its highs and lows. Even in the lowest of lows I am starting to see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am finding that when I'm at my weakest there is enough faith to keep a candle burning that things will get better.
As much as I'm hating this part of my life's journey I have to say that I'm learning some new things about myself, or maybe just some things that I have forgotten about myself. Julie thank you for the talk the other night, it was more supportive then you know. I don't know what tomorrow brings and I still find it hard to deal with the unknown emotions that I will have on a daily basis I think that it will end happily ever after. I just have to keep the battle of my mind at bay and listen to the good that I know to be true in my life. I feel weak often, but for every time I feel weak I can also see some new strength, perhaps someday my struggle will serve to help someone else. That would be a wonderful way to honour Abby, to use our journey of her being to help someone else. We will have the family we dream of, I just have to trust that there is a bigger plan then I can calculate and control on a daily basis. I'm learning to have that faith again.
It is so easy to wallow in the negative thoughts, so much harder is it to reframe your mind set and see the good and the positive hope. However when you are able to get yourself there you see the world in a more rational way. I just want my friends who have cared about me through this process to know that I'm going to the win the battle in my mind. I am grieving and it is a process that has its highs and lows. Even in the lowest of lows I am starting to see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am finding that when I'm at my weakest there is enough faith to keep a candle burning that things will get better.
As much as I'm hating this part of my life's journey I have to say that I'm learning some new things about myself, or maybe just some things that I have forgotten about myself. Julie thank you for the talk the other night, it was more supportive then you know. I don't know what tomorrow brings and I still find it hard to deal with the unknown emotions that I will have on a daily basis I think that it will end happily ever after. I just have to keep the battle of my mind at bay and listen to the good that I know to be true in my life. I feel weak often, but for every time I feel weak I can also see some new strength, perhaps someday my struggle will serve to help someone else. That would be a wonderful way to honour Abby, to use our journey of her being to help someone else. We will have the family we dream of, I just have to trust that there is a bigger plan then I can calculate and control on a daily basis. I'm learning to have that faith again.
Saturday, January 20, 2007
Sun Therapy
Its official... Barry and I have decided that we deserve some sun therapy. We have been looking for a nice warm sunny vacation to go on. Last night we found this resort The Ocean Sand Golf and Beach Resort in Punta Cana. So today we went down to flight center and booked it. We leave Feb 11th for a week of relaxing fun in the sun. I think that after all we have been through this last month that this will be a nice chance to enjoy some us time. Below are some pics
Small pool, in the back ground is one of the bigger pools
Small pool, in the back ground is one of the bigger pools
An example of the room, I don't know what this one is but we will have a junior suit.
This is the whole reason I want to go, I think it speaks for it self.....
Cute, I think we will have a nice time. Something good to look forward to.
Friday, January 19, 2007
The midnight hour is lonely
I sit here on the Internet looking for answers, but of course there are none as there was none yesterday or the day before. Its midnight and its lonely. I cant sleep and I don't want to. Of course the rest of the world is safely tucked away. I envy that kind of peace.
You can do anything on the net these days you can shop online, download movies and music, you can have conversations with people across the world.. but what you cant do is mend the heart.
There are so many questions that I have that have no answers. Not that I expect that by posting them here they will suddenly be answered... but all the same seeing as I'm thinking out loud I might as well keep going:
Why does everyday seem like a huge effort?
Why cant I just get over it and move on?
Why does every hour seem like a year?
How do I rejoin the regular world and not feel bitter towards people that have what I lost?
How do I not hide in my house for fear of coming in touch with something that might upset me?
How do I have hope that it will be OK? People tell me everyday that it will be OK and I try so hard to believe them, but then when night falls and I'm left with my thoughts I lose sight of all hope.. why?
Is there a God? I want to believe that there is but I don't see him, and I don't feel him and I don't understand how a God that loves me would take not only my child but my sanity, my strength, my ability to have hope and peace. How can that be?
I would rather be in physical pain.. at least with physical pain you can get medication and get well. People see you with say a broken leg and they say oh wow that's why shes in so much pain ,her leg looks awful. Emotional pain is so intangible that people don't know how to handle it. They cant see it and cant relate to it. If your in a cast for months people recognize that it takes time to heal and expect that you wont be running a marathon for quite some time. Emotional pain people think that as you move away from the days following the event that you should bounce back and move on. I wish that were the case.. who would not love to forget the bad that happens and just wake up happy the day after?
I try everyday I battle everyday to have hope and think positive yet at the end of the day I'm left with this feeling that I never believed any of it... for all my effort its a fake. I have the will to believe and the want... just not the energy.
There are so many obvious reasons that I feel sad... but the one that makes me sad right now is that I feel like I have lost my Cherieness... I feel like the girl who loves to laugh and have fun is gone. Dead. I put on a good front for people, to avoid making them feel uncomfortable that I'm so unhappy.. but in my true moments alone I feel dark and unhappy. I hope I'm wrong but at this moment I just don't ever think I will be the same and that I have lost a piece of myself to this tragedy. I hate what this loss has taken from me. Not just the physical tangible things but the things it has taken from my spirit, my relationships, my life.
People I'm sure may read my blog and think I have dove off the deep end.. perhaps I have. They may think wow it cant be that bad cant she just get over it? I wish I could. I cant explain to another person on earth what this is like. I was watching Greys Anatomy tonight.. one of the med students George his dad died. He standing outside alone when his friend comes out to talk to him. She says to him there is a special club that you can only join when your dad dies its call the dead dads club. Unless your in the club you don't understand and you don't know how it feels. I related to that. I feel like there is a club that I hope no one I love ever has to join .. and that if you are in my club only then do you get the feelings and issues that come with it.
I'm tired, yet not sleepy, I feel lost and isolate, but I'm surrounded by people. I just feel like there is no fight left in me. I try everyday to claw my way through filling my hours with tasks and as some would say "holding my chin up". Right now I just don't want to bother. I may just stay in bed tomorrow... I don't see the point in trying, it does nothing for me.
You can do anything on the net these days you can shop online, download movies and music, you can have conversations with people across the world.. but what you cant do is mend the heart.
There are so many questions that I have that have no answers. Not that I expect that by posting them here they will suddenly be answered... but all the same seeing as I'm thinking out loud I might as well keep going:
Why does everyday seem like a huge effort?
Why cant I just get over it and move on?
Why does every hour seem like a year?
How do I rejoin the regular world and not feel bitter towards people that have what I lost?
How do I not hide in my house for fear of coming in touch with something that might upset me?
How do I have hope that it will be OK? People tell me everyday that it will be OK and I try so hard to believe them, but then when night falls and I'm left with my thoughts I lose sight of all hope.. why?
Is there a God? I want to believe that there is but I don't see him, and I don't feel him and I don't understand how a God that loves me would take not only my child but my sanity, my strength, my ability to have hope and peace. How can that be?
I would rather be in physical pain.. at least with physical pain you can get medication and get well. People see you with say a broken leg and they say oh wow that's why shes in so much pain ,her leg looks awful. Emotional pain is so intangible that people don't know how to handle it. They cant see it and cant relate to it. If your in a cast for months people recognize that it takes time to heal and expect that you wont be running a marathon for quite some time. Emotional pain people think that as you move away from the days following the event that you should bounce back and move on. I wish that were the case.. who would not love to forget the bad that happens and just wake up happy the day after?
I try everyday I battle everyday to have hope and think positive yet at the end of the day I'm left with this feeling that I never believed any of it... for all my effort its a fake. I have the will to believe and the want... just not the energy.
There are so many obvious reasons that I feel sad... but the one that makes me sad right now is that I feel like I have lost my Cherieness... I feel like the girl who loves to laugh and have fun is gone. Dead. I put on a good front for people, to avoid making them feel uncomfortable that I'm so unhappy.. but in my true moments alone I feel dark and unhappy. I hope I'm wrong but at this moment I just don't ever think I will be the same and that I have lost a piece of myself to this tragedy. I hate what this loss has taken from me. Not just the physical tangible things but the things it has taken from my spirit, my relationships, my life.
People I'm sure may read my blog and think I have dove off the deep end.. perhaps I have. They may think wow it cant be that bad cant she just get over it? I wish I could. I cant explain to another person on earth what this is like. I was watching Greys Anatomy tonight.. one of the med students George his dad died. He standing outside alone when his friend comes out to talk to him. She says to him there is a special club that you can only join when your dad dies its call the dead dads club. Unless your in the club you don't understand and you don't know how it feels. I related to that. I feel like there is a club that I hope no one I love ever has to join .. and that if you are in my club only then do you get the feelings and issues that come with it.
I'm tired, yet not sleepy, I feel lost and isolate, but I'm surrounded by people. I just feel like there is no fight left in me. I try everyday to claw my way through filling my hours with tasks and as some would say "holding my chin up". Right now I just don't want to bother. I may just stay in bed tomorrow... I don't see the point in trying, it does nothing for me.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Small Blessings
As hard as things have been these last couple weeks I have to see the small blessings. Today Barry left for work and I felt upset anxious and ready for a good old fashioned breakdown. So to try and help myself I went down to the computer to look up some trip stuff. Then the phone rings it was my boss from work. I was not gonna answer but I thought I better. I ended up having a conversation with her for a while. It was very nice, she was quite encouraging and a good person to talk to in that moment. I got off the phone and it rang again this time it was the social worker from the hospital calling me to see how I was doing. I talked to her for a while and she offered lots of helps and things that I could relate to. She helped me to see that I'm very normal (even though I don't feel as if I am) She helped me identify that while I am not feeling better I am moving through the grieving process.
I guess it was just a small blessing that when I felt like I was gonna hit the wall there were some people who helped me through that moment. I'm now gonna get on with my day. I feel like while I'm not at work, I'm working very hard to process what has happened. One thing the social worker said that made alot of sense was that because we don't have answers yet its very hard to move forward and its very hard to find any kind of closure. I could totally agree with that. She helped me to see that I'm searching for answers and there are not any yet, and that while my emotions and logic are off balance and not together in their operating that its OK and very normal. Its just nice to be told that your normal when you feel so abnormal.
I guess it was just a small blessing that when I felt like I was gonna hit the wall there were some people who helped me through that moment. I'm now gonna get on with my day. I feel like while I'm not at work, I'm working very hard to process what has happened. One thing the social worker said that made alot of sense was that because we don't have answers yet its very hard to move forward and its very hard to find any kind of closure. I could totally agree with that. She helped me to see that I'm searching for answers and there are not any yet, and that while my emotions and logic are off balance and not together in their operating that its OK and very normal. Its just nice to be told that your normal when you feel so abnormal.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Why are some days so hard?
I don't understand why some days are so much harder then others. Yesterday was for the most part the best day I have had so far. However I woke up this morning out of a bad dream and I just felt that sense of dread for the day to start. I had this dream that friends were coming over to my house and bringing positive pregnancy test after test to show me. I could not escape I could only sit on the couch as they presented me with the tests. It sounds dumb even as I write it, but I woke up feeling sick.
I feel like on my good days I'm functioning and getting lots of things accomplished, but even at that I feel like my mind is always back in the hospital or going over what could be the answer for what went wrong, or planning the next step. Its tiring to say the least. Then on the bad days I feel like I just have no drive to do anything. I just want to sit and stare out the window.
Each day stretches out long before me. I have developed a morning routine. I get up see Barry off to work, I feed the pets, then I go to the computer hoping for some sort of email to connect me with the outside world. I then spend some time blogging. The days are long I for the most part feel disconnected from the world. I do try to get out and I call people.. but I find for the most part none knows what to say and I don't know how to tell people at times what I need. I'm feeling sad today, I hope it passes I could just use a big hug right now and for someone to tell me that its OK and that I'm going to be OK......
I feel like on my good days I'm functioning and getting lots of things accomplished, but even at that I feel like my mind is always back in the hospital or going over what could be the answer for what went wrong, or planning the next step. Its tiring to say the least. Then on the bad days I feel like I just have no drive to do anything. I just want to sit and stare out the window.
Each day stretches out long before me. I have developed a morning routine. I get up see Barry off to work, I feed the pets, then I go to the computer hoping for some sort of email to connect me with the outside world. I then spend some time blogging. The days are long I for the most part feel disconnected from the world. I do try to get out and I call people.. but I find for the most part none knows what to say and I don't know how to tell people at times what I need. I'm feeling sad today, I hope it passes I could just use a big hug right now and for someone to tell me that its OK and that I'm going to be OK......
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Working on me...
Well I did it.. I went to the gym today, I dragged my butt (with the help of Megan) and we walked on the tread mill for 20 min. Not Olympic medal by any stretch but a start none the less. I have been out of the gym pattern for along time- 6 months to be exact. Ironically stopped going to the gym thinking that I was going to prevent any risk of miscarriage etc.
So this time I'm taking my doctors advice, I'm gonna go do some exercise (I"m not out to set any world records or anything) and eat well (welcome back to weight watchers)... and from there I hope to get my body back in balance and make it as healthy as I can so that I can once again open up the Bates Motel (uterus) to any willing eggs and sperm that would like to take up residents for a long time- 9 months this time!!!!
I am also trying to work on my emotional side, I'm trying to read good helpful books, and looking in myself at my spiritual side as well. I guess you could say that I'm trying to take a holistic approach to bettering myself. Even though I still feel sad I have to say that I have stopped crying as much, I think that must be a sign that things are getting a little better. I surely still have my moments but they are fewer then before. I still feel a deep sense of loss and with that I often find myself lost in my thoughts or feeling empty. I walk around with stressed panic feeling in my stomach. It seems to stay with me all the time... I hope that is the next thing to go. I guess this is what they mean when they talk about the stages of grief.
Anyway I'm gonna go make a stir fry and wait for my wonderful husband to get home. As sad as I feel its good to be loved, keeps you going even when its tough. I do thank Barry for doing his silly dance for me on a regular basis in attempts to make me laugh.. that honey is the sign of a truly wonderful husband.
So this time I'm taking my doctors advice, I'm gonna go do some exercise (I"m not out to set any world records or anything) and eat well (welcome back to weight watchers)... and from there I hope to get my body back in balance and make it as healthy as I can so that I can once again open up the Bates Motel (uterus) to any willing eggs and sperm that would like to take up residents for a long time- 9 months this time!!!!
I am also trying to work on my emotional side, I'm trying to read good helpful books, and looking in myself at my spiritual side as well. I guess you could say that I'm trying to take a holistic approach to bettering myself. Even though I still feel sad I have to say that I have stopped crying as much, I think that must be a sign that things are getting a little better. I surely still have my moments but they are fewer then before. I still feel a deep sense of loss and with that I often find myself lost in my thoughts or feeling empty. I walk around with stressed panic feeling in my stomach. It seems to stay with me all the time... I hope that is the next thing to go. I guess this is what they mean when they talk about the stages of grief.
Anyway I'm gonna go make a stir fry and wait for my wonderful husband to get home. As sad as I feel its good to be loved, keeps you going even when its tough. I do thank Barry for doing his silly dance for me on a regular basis in attempts to make me laugh.. that honey is the sign of a truly wonderful husband.
Monday, January 15, 2007
15 vials closer to answers...
I guess you could say that we are 15 vials closer to figuring out the haunting mystery of how we got here. Barry and I went to see my doctor today, and my doctor decided that we would do a miscarriage work up (looking for autoimmune disorders, blood clotting issues, hormone levels, thyroid, you name it they tested for it) for me and test chromosomes on both of us. So after the lab vampires drained me for all I was worth, I felt a small amount of relief that we were one step closer to finding out anything that might help us understand why we lost Abby. There were no real answers today, the autopsy has still not come back, I guess it takes time to analyze everything. I took a mighty huge list to my docs and asked her every question in the book, of course until these labs are back there is not much she can really tell me.
The other piece of the puzzle is we will go to meet with a doctor at the High Risk Pregnancy clinic at Mount Sinai Hospital. There they will probably do more blood work ( I guess special things they don't do at a regular facility) they will take an extensive history, examine all the findings and give us the results and go through how likely this is to happen again and what we need to follow more closely the next time. It makes me tired to just think of all this stuff. The good news is that all this will help to give us some peace of mind as we move forward and continue to plan our family.
I will go back to my doctor the second week of February and get the results of what they took today, and depending on what they say about my hormone levels I may go on some meds to help get my body ovulating again. So from there I'm told that we can hopefully be back on the baby making train by March. I was very frustrated to hear this today, as I was hoping it would be sooner, but my doctor wants my body to have a decent break so that next time things go well. She made a good point, what is 3 months in the grand scheme of things.. it really is not much, I will have to keep reminding myself of that. If there is two things in the world that drive me nuts and I hate its 1) waiting for answers. 2) feeling a lack of control over situations. It would seem I'm at the door of both situations. I guess time will tell, I just hope time goes quickly so that we can get back on the path to our family.
The other piece of the puzzle is we will go to meet with a doctor at the High Risk Pregnancy clinic at Mount Sinai Hospital. There they will probably do more blood work ( I guess special things they don't do at a regular facility) they will take an extensive history, examine all the findings and give us the results and go through how likely this is to happen again and what we need to follow more closely the next time. It makes me tired to just think of all this stuff. The good news is that all this will help to give us some peace of mind as we move forward and continue to plan our family.
I will go back to my doctor the second week of February and get the results of what they took today, and depending on what they say about my hormone levels I may go on some meds to help get my body ovulating again. So from there I'm told that we can hopefully be back on the baby making train by March. I was very frustrated to hear this today, as I was hoping it would be sooner, but my doctor wants my body to have a decent break so that next time things go well. She made a good point, what is 3 months in the grand scheme of things.. it really is not much, I will have to keep reminding myself of that. If there is two things in the world that drive me nuts and I hate its 1) waiting for answers. 2) feeling a lack of control over situations. It would seem I'm at the door of both situations. I guess time will tell, I just hope time goes quickly so that we can get back on the path to our family.
Sunday, January 14, 2007
A Mustard Seed....
Barry and I went to Church today. Its only the second week that we have gone, but I have been enjoying it. Last week there was a guest speaker talking about missions in Israel, I did not have much to relate to that, although informative.
This week it was the Pastor of the church (he married us for those of you who may remember) who spoke. I have to honestly say that I really related to the message today. I have heard people say that they have felt like a service was written for them. I have to say that is how I felt today. I wont get into going over the whole message but its was about facing the issues of life, dealing with loss and having faith that God can meet our needs.
I have been struggling lately with faith, I cant say that I have practiced my faith as actively as I once did.. but up until recently I knew that deep inside me it was still there. Then we lost our Abby, and I have to say that my faith was shaken, I started to think how could there be a God when he does this to us, how can I keep taking hit after hit. In the past 5 years I have lost a mother, a father and a baby.. who can believe that is fair? Lots of people lose things and death is a part of living but I guess in the faith department it makes you wonder how to have faith when these things happen. Anyway today the Pastor talked about how even if you have the faith the size of a mustard seed God can use that. I have not seen many mustard seeds but from what I remember they are pretty small. So I think that during the service I realized that I have a mustard seed, and my hope is that I can use that mustard seed of faith to reach out and hope that things can get better, that our dreams of a family can be realized. So I will go back next Sunday, because I'm curious and because I want to feel peace. Alot of the time I feel anxious unsettled and at war inside. If God can help change that I will use my mustard seed of faith to try and believe, even when I cant see or feel it.
This week it was the Pastor of the church (he married us for those of you who may remember) who spoke. I have to honestly say that I really related to the message today. I have heard people say that they have felt like a service was written for them. I have to say that is how I felt today. I wont get into going over the whole message but its was about facing the issues of life, dealing with loss and having faith that God can meet our needs.
I have been struggling lately with faith, I cant say that I have practiced my faith as actively as I once did.. but up until recently I knew that deep inside me it was still there. Then we lost our Abby, and I have to say that my faith was shaken, I started to think how could there be a God when he does this to us, how can I keep taking hit after hit. In the past 5 years I have lost a mother, a father and a baby.. who can believe that is fair? Lots of people lose things and death is a part of living but I guess in the faith department it makes you wonder how to have faith when these things happen. Anyway today the Pastor talked about how even if you have the faith the size of a mustard seed God can use that. I have not seen many mustard seeds but from what I remember they are pretty small. So I think that during the service I realized that I have a mustard seed, and my hope is that I can use that mustard seed of faith to reach out and hope that things can get better, that our dreams of a family can be realized. So I will go back next Sunday, because I'm curious and because I want to feel peace. Alot of the time I feel anxious unsettled and at war inside. If God can help change that I will use my mustard seed of faith to try and believe, even when I cant see or feel it.
Saturday, January 13, 2007
Different but the same....
Last night we had a friend over for a visit. Our friend has been through some tough times of her own, and while we were talking I discovered something our issues might be very different but in many ways they are very much the same. I could draw alot of similarities between her and I. The main thing that stood out is that grief is grief no matter what you have lost. It was surprising to find that she shared alot of the same feelings I am having even though we have both lost different things.
One thing that we talked about that I had not been able to really give an accurate description of is bed time. I dread getting up in the morning and going to bed at night. I was having a hard time explaining to Barry and others why I found this time so hard. My friend also finds these times hard. The reason I have finally been able to verbalize is that when I lay down to go to sleep my mind is filled with all these intense thoughts, its at that time that I'm back at the hospital, or that I think about all the nights I would lie in bed and feel Abby move. As I drift off to sleep I am consumed by my thoughts with no distraction. Then when I wake in the morning before I'm fully alert I have this pit in my stomach and all the thoughts seem so overwhelming and strong. Its like when your in that place between sleep and awake there is this haze that makes things seem so out of focus. It actually felt good to talk to this friend about this stuff, I'm hoping that maybe we both got something out of our visit.
So now I'm up starting another day.. Saturdays are hard for me cause that is the day that my new week would start. I would be 26 weeks today. So far when Saturday comes I cant help but think how many weeks I would have been. I find that I'm scared right now of people with Babies or who are gonna have babies. Its like they are a hot stove element. I don't want to get too close for fear of getting burned. I know this is silly but I just am so sensitive right now. Its not that I don't want people to be happy cause certainly I do, but its just so hard to see them where I want and should have been . I get scared that people are gonna call me up and tell me that they are pregnant... and that when they do I will just melt down. I'm sure with time this will get easier, and I can again return to celebrating their news.. but right now its just not possible. I have a family baby shower coming up in the next month or so.. as much as I want to be supportive I think that I will just send a gift . I cant imagine going to something like that right now, I'm still so raw.
Its funny how each new day there is always more emotion to explore, just when I think I cant possibly feel any more, or have anything new happen a new feeling comes to the surface. The pastor that we are seeing says that its like Charlie Brown, and his famous saying "Good Grief". Its good to grieve and to work through emotions, not that it always feels nice but its still good. My hope is that it will result in healing.
One thing that we talked about that I had not been able to really give an accurate description of is bed time. I dread getting up in the morning and going to bed at night. I was having a hard time explaining to Barry and others why I found this time so hard. My friend also finds these times hard. The reason I have finally been able to verbalize is that when I lay down to go to sleep my mind is filled with all these intense thoughts, its at that time that I'm back at the hospital, or that I think about all the nights I would lie in bed and feel Abby move. As I drift off to sleep I am consumed by my thoughts with no distraction. Then when I wake in the morning before I'm fully alert I have this pit in my stomach and all the thoughts seem so overwhelming and strong. Its like when your in that place between sleep and awake there is this haze that makes things seem so out of focus. It actually felt good to talk to this friend about this stuff, I'm hoping that maybe we both got something out of our visit.
So now I'm up starting another day.. Saturdays are hard for me cause that is the day that my new week would start. I would be 26 weeks today. So far when Saturday comes I cant help but think how many weeks I would have been. I find that I'm scared right now of people with Babies or who are gonna have babies. Its like they are a hot stove element. I don't want to get too close for fear of getting burned. I know this is silly but I just am so sensitive right now. Its not that I don't want people to be happy cause certainly I do, but its just so hard to see them where I want and should have been . I get scared that people are gonna call me up and tell me that they are pregnant... and that when they do I will just melt down. I'm sure with time this will get easier, and I can again return to celebrating their news.. but right now its just not possible. I have a family baby shower coming up in the next month or so.. as much as I want to be supportive I think that I will just send a gift . I cant imagine going to something like that right now, I'm still so raw.
Its funny how each new day there is always more emotion to explore, just when I think I cant possibly feel any more, or have anything new happen a new feeling comes to the surface. The pastor that we are seeing says that its like Charlie Brown, and his famous saying "Good Grief". Its good to grieve and to work through emotions, not that it always feels nice but its still good. My hope is that it will result in healing.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Trying is Trying
As a friend recently said to me life is full of steps, we take a few forward and we take a few back, until we finally move forward. Today was a day of trying. Trying to think positive, trying to find ways to move forward and trying to see the hope that I want to believe is there. When I met with the pastor the other night he said that it takes as much effort to focus on the negative as it does the positive. I would say hes right its effort either way.
I really found today a challenge. I was lucky to have Barry with me and make me smile. He kept me busy with a trip to the mall for nothing more then a new cream and sugar bowl for my tea pot. Then we went for a drive, Barry said it was cause he wanted to see what was up in Solina, but I think it was cause my husband knows that lately driving feels safe. After that it was to tidy the garage and put those Christmas decorations away for another year. As I passed each bin up the latter to Barry I said a little prayer that next Christmas would see a lighter side.. and perhaps the continuation of our family.
I am learning just how unstable ones emotions can be. I have always be a crier I wont deny that, I cry at bell commercials and any movie that has any amount of sap in it I'm all over the tissues. However this experience has made me realize that emotions are a powerful thing. I had started to think that maybe I was advancing quickly and that before I knew it I would even be back at the hospital working with moms and babies. Then as we walked through the mall I heard a sound that my ears had not heard in some time... I heard a crying baby. Not the kind that you hear from an irritable toddler or a child that wants something... but the sound of a new cry a small very new baby. I don't know how to describe the feeling other then I felt like someone had ripped my stomach in half and I had to catch my breath... perhaps one of the most difficult moments yet. I did make it through, I took a big gulp of air and wiped the tears the were about to spill over and I kept walking.
So today was a little trying. The one thing that made today a bit easier was that I knew it would happen.. not like I was sitting waiting to feel bad, but that I was honest enough with myself to say OK we had a good day yesterday, that does not mean it will not be hard still. I started my list like the pastor said, it is up to 16 things that are not logical. It was interesting to look at the list and see how much I have been holding in. I got a call from my doctor today to see how I was doing. It was very refreshing to talk to her, we talked about what happened and how I was feeling. I got to ask some questions, although I did not get many answers I got a plan of action. We are meeting with her on Monday to talk about the next steps. Barry and I are going to do some genetic testing and just make sure that we have ruled out anything that could he a cause, so that next time the end of the story is different.
Tomorrow is another day, and with that comes my needing to find my inner strength to keep the faith that I can make it and that there is light ahead of me. I know that perhaps that there are some that are reading my blog and don't understand how deep the feelings are for me right now. The only thing I can say is I hope to God that no one I care about ever has to find out.... So I hope for tomorrow to fight my way through and not give in.
I really found today a challenge. I was lucky to have Barry with me and make me smile. He kept me busy with a trip to the mall for nothing more then a new cream and sugar bowl for my tea pot. Then we went for a drive, Barry said it was cause he wanted to see what was up in Solina, but I think it was cause my husband knows that lately driving feels safe. After that it was to tidy the garage and put those Christmas decorations away for another year. As I passed each bin up the latter to Barry I said a little prayer that next Christmas would see a lighter side.. and perhaps the continuation of our family.
I am learning just how unstable ones emotions can be. I have always be a crier I wont deny that, I cry at bell commercials and any movie that has any amount of sap in it I'm all over the tissues. However this experience has made me realize that emotions are a powerful thing. I had started to think that maybe I was advancing quickly and that before I knew it I would even be back at the hospital working with moms and babies. Then as we walked through the mall I heard a sound that my ears had not heard in some time... I heard a crying baby. Not the kind that you hear from an irritable toddler or a child that wants something... but the sound of a new cry a small very new baby. I don't know how to describe the feeling other then I felt like someone had ripped my stomach in half and I had to catch my breath... perhaps one of the most difficult moments yet. I did make it through, I took a big gulp of air and wiped the tears the were about to spill over and I kept walking.
So today was a little trying. The one thing that made today a bit easier was that I knew it would happen.. not like I was sitting waiting to feel bad, but that I was honest enough with myself to say OK we had a good day yesterday, that does not mean it will not be hard still. I started my list like the pastor said, it is up to 16 things that are not logical. It was interesting to look at the list and see how much I have been holding in. I got a call from my doctor today to see how I was doing. It was very refreshing to talk to her, we talked about what happened and how I was feeling. I got to ask some questions, although I did not get many answers I got a plan of action. We are meeting with her on Monday to talk about the next steps. Barry and I are going to do some genetic testing and just make sure that we have ruled out anything that could he a cause, so that next time the end of the story is different.
Tomorrow is another day, and with that comes my needing to find my inner strength to keep the faith that I can make it and that there is light ahead of me. I know that perhaps that there are some that are reading my blog and don't understand how deep the feelings are for me right now. The only thing I can say is I hope to God that no one I care about ever has to find out.... So I hope for tomorrow to fight my way through and not give in.
A Ray of hope breaks through....
I know that lately has been a rather dark place and has been alot of sad things going on in my heart and mind. For the first time tonight I felt some hope. Tonight Barry and I went out for dinner with the Pastor that married us and his wife. I had contacted him for some support when things had been going astray with the pregnancy.
So tonight we went out for a bite with them, I was not really sure what to expect from the meeting, after all what could they really do for us. However just being able to talk to someone openly about our feelings was extremely helpful. Barry and I learned that we both grieve differently and that even though he may not show things the same way as I do its just as tough for him as it is for me.
I also got to verbalize alot of my fears, the pastor gave me a great idea for dealing with the things that I'm so worried about. He told me to make a list of all the things that I'm thinking and worrying about, and then for each one ask myself is that a logical thought or is it not, and if its not logical to write out reasons why its not true. I also came to recognize that I have been living in the whats gonna happen in 6 months from now and I play alot of the what if this happens, or what if that. This is stuff that I think I knew but for some reason was not able to address. I felt some sense of relief to hear that what I'm feeling is normal, and that its OK that I don't feel good yet. I have carried this fear that I should be better and that I should feel better. I now know that its OK that I'm grieving. Its gonna take time to work though it all.
I feel still vulnerable and susceptible to the overwhelming sense of sadness that I feel. I am almost afraid to go to bed for fear that I will wake up tomorrow and I will feel over come again. However I take a small amount of comfort that its OK to feel sad and that maybe the next time I feel that way I wont try to hide is and bury it I will simply plow through it and deal with it. I wont try to hide it from Barry but tell him how I'm feeling.
I also got to talk about my uncertainty about returning to work. I have some good moments where I think I'm ready. Then I have bad moments where I either think I should just go back to work so I don't have to deal with this anymore. So I don't think that I'm ready yet, after talking tonight I can say that I have some things to deal with. So I need to find something that I can do and enjoy and be productive to help me work though things. I have not yet figured out that that will be, but I'm gonna give it some thought. Perhaps a class or a hobby that I have always wanted to do that I have not had time to do. What I cant do is sit here at home alone all day and be sad and lonely. It was getting to the point I hated my house because it feels like prison.
This is one long blog, I don't even care if anyone reads this or not, I just am writing for my own clarity and healing process. I am starting to accept my feelings, and that if I wake up tomorrow and I feel sad and lost its OK, and just because I feel that way right now does not mean it will be that way forever. It also does not mean that because I have lost a baby and feel bad about it, does not mean that I will never have the chance again. One has nothing to do with the other. So now that I have written all this I have to try and remember to reread this when I'm having a down moment.
Barry and I are trying out church, we went last Sunday and are gonna give it a try again. Its been a long time since I went to church and I cant say that Barry and i have ever had a church. So I think its time we give it a try. Anyway I feel like a baby cow (for lack of a better comparison). I am trying to stand up for the first time, I'm shaky and I don't think it would take much to knock me over, but if I do fall over I will keep trying to get back up until I can finally walk again.
So tonight we went out for a bite with them, I was not really sure what to expect from the meeting, after all what could they really do for us. However just being able to talk to someone openly about our feelings was extremely helpful. Barry and I learned that we both grieve differently and that even though he may not show things the same way as I do its just as tough for him as it is for me.
I also got to verbalize alot of my fears, the pastor gave me a great idea for dealing with the things that I'm so worried about. He told me to make a list of all the things that I'm thinking and worrying about, and then for each one ask myself is that a logical thought or is it not, and if its not logical to write out reasons why its not true. I also came to recognize that I have been living in the whats gonna happen in 6 months from now and I play alot of the what if this happens, or what if that. This is stuff that I think I knew but for some reason was not able to address. I felt some sense of relief to hear that what I'm feeling is normal, and that its OK that I don't feel good yet. I have carried this fear that I should be better and that I should feel better. I now know that its OK that I'm grieving. Its gonna take time to work though it all.
I feel still vulnerable and susceptible to the overwhelming sense of sadness that I feel. I am almost afraid to go to bed for fear that I will wake up tomorrow and I will feel over come again. However I take a small amount of comfort that its OK to feel sad and that maybe the next time I feel that way I wont try to hide is and bury it I will simply plow through it and deal with it. I wont try to hide it from Barry but tell him how I'm feeling.
I also got to talk about my uncertainty about returning to work. I have some good moments where I think I'm ready. Then I have bad moments where I either think I should just go back to work so I don't have to deal with this anymore. So I don't think that I'm ready yet, after talking tonight I can say that I have some things to deal with. So I need to find something that I can do and enjoy and be productive to help me work though things. I have not yet figured out that that will be, but I'm gonna give it some thought. Perhaps a class or a hobby that I have always wanted to do that I have not had time to do. What I cant do is sit here at home alone all day and be sad and lonely. It was getting to the point I hated my house because it feels like prison.
This is one long blog, I don't even care if anyone reads this or not, I just am writing for my own clarity and healing process. I am starting to accept my feelings, and that if I wake up tomorrow and I feel sad and lost its OK, and just because I feel that way right now does not mean it will be that way forever. It also does not mean that because I have lost a baby and feel bad about it, does not mean that I will never have the chance again. One has nothing to do with the other. So now that I have written all this I have to try and remember to reread this when I'm having a down moment.
Barry and I are trying out church, we went last Sunday and are gonna give it a try again. Its been a long time since I went to church and I cant say that Barry and i have ever had a church. So I think its time we give it a try. Anyway I feel like a baby cow (for lack of a better comparison). I am trying to stand up for the first time, I'm shaky and I don't think it would take much to knock me over, but if I do fall over I will keep trying to get back up until I can finally walk again.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
The feeling of dissappointment
I wake up each day, I look out the window and I feel the weight of dissappointment on my shoulders. Its hard to explain I just feel heavy and an ache. I am grateful that this is only a stop in my life, and I feel badly for anyone who has to walk through their life with this feeling all the time. It is awful to just feel such a sense of loss and lack of hope everyday.
There are moments that I feel better, like last night we went to a friends for dinner and it was so nice to get out. I actually felt a bit like myself for a few hours. Then we come home and it settles back on me like a thick fog. I was having trouble putting my finger on what is so hard about being home. Then someone made a comment that made alot of sense, this is where our dreams and hopes for the future started. It is where all the memories are. I sit in my house and I think about how there will be no baby to bring home in April, there will be no sounds of a newborn crying. I wont be sitting in a rocking chair hold my sweet baby. The pain that brings is harsh and unrelenting.
I try to have hope to think that one day those things will happen but I just feel like nothing good will ever happen again. I feel like I will never get to fill this void. I so despartly want to be a mother and hold a child... I know that logically this can happen but right now its hard to look into the future and see that when Im back at the starting line. We were so close to the end and then poof it was all gone in an instant. I ache today, I ache deeply.....
There are moments that I feel better, like last night we went to a friends for dinner and it was so nice to get out. I actually felt a bit like myself for a few hours. Then we come home and it settles back on me like a thick fog. I was having trouble putting my finger on what is so hard about being home. Then someone made a comment that made alot of sense, this is where our dreams and hopes for the future started. It is where all the memories are. I sit in my house and I think about how there will be no baby to bring home in April, there will be no sounds of a newborn crying. I wont be sitting in a rocking chair hold my sweet baby. The pain that brings is harsh and unrelenting.
I try to have hope to think that one day those things will happen but I just feel like nothing good will ever happen again. I feel like I will never get to fill this void. I so despartly want to be a mother and hold a child... I know that logically this can happen but right now its hard to look into the future and see that when Im back at the starting line. We were so close to the end and then poof it was all gone in an instant. I ache today, I ache deeply.....
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Just because I feel like it...
I spent the last part of the afternoon driving around Bowmanville and Newtonville. Let me tell you lots is happening out there!! I just could not sit in my house any longer. I needed to get out. So I drove. Some would say I need a hobby, not that I disagree but more then a hobby I think I need time to take the sting away. There are subtitle reminders all day long that remind me of all that I have lost... Anyway this video is not really anything about me its just a bit angry and loud. When I was in University Tanya and I used to listen to this everyday. I wish I was a rock singer and I could just yell that life feels like shit.
My house is gonna be the cleanest place around!
There is no doubt that my house is gonna be the cleanest place around. It is only Day 2 and I have already finished almost all the laundry, I have dusted every spot I can think that dust might hide, you can see my bedroom floor for the first time in who knows how long. I have organized my drawers and pulled out stuff to give to the Salvation Army. Who knew that feeling sad and miserable would cause such a cleaning frenzy. Its part of my plan to keep myself busy and not sit and feel over come by saddness. Its a good plan but Im soon gonna run out of things to do around here.. let me know if your house could use a good cleaning!
It is an awful feeling to feel as though you can't just sit and be with your thoughts, because those thoughts are to hard to handle. The only time I get any clarity or feeling that I can handle my thoughts is when I blog. Lets recount this morning and how it went:
Barry gets ready to leave for work and I am able to see him off without crying.. dont get me wrong it was close. So he leaves and I start to let my guard down, then just when I think hes gone... hes back forgot his wallet. So I cant stop myself this time and I burst out crying as he leaves. Sorry honey that you had to deal with that this morning. Anyway I got through that moment. I decided to go to my daily list and figure out what I needed to accomplish today. One thing on my list was that I needed to call and cancel my high risk pregnancy appointment at Moutn Sinai.
I call the clinc and an abrupt forceful (for lack of a better word) women answers the phone. The converstation goes like this:
Me- Hi my name is Cherie Hembruff (have not changed the old health card yet). I need to cancel my appointment with Dr. Ryan for tomorrow.
Abrupt women- Why are you cancelling?
Me- I have had a misscarriage.
Abrupt Women- Do you want to keep your appointment
Me- (puzzled) do you think I should keep the appointment?
Abrupt Women- Well you do plan to try again don't you?
Me- (trying to not have a break down) yes
Abrupt Women- How old are you?
Me- 29 (did not mention turning 30)
Abrupt Women- Oh your young, you have lots of time, you should wait 6 months, but thats just my opinon.
Me- (confused) I should wait 6 months and see Dr. Ryan?
Abrupt Women- no you should wait 6 months and try again, to make sure everything is clear...
Me- Why should I wait 6 months?
Abrupt Women- Trust me its just my opinon but Im a mother so I know these things you should wait 6 months. Are you going to see your doctor?
Me- Yes next week.....
Abrupt women- When did you have your misscarriage?
Me- last week
Abrupt Women- Oh its too soon to see Dr Ryan for a prepregnancy consult, go to your doctor.
Me- Ok.....
Abrupt women- Yeah wait six months to make sure everything is clear, then you try and you come see us.
Me- um thanks .. ok bye!
As you can see from the above narrative this advice from the abrupt women was clearly not requested. I was tempted to ask her for her medical creditials, other then being a mother! So after that upsetting interaction I moved forward with my cleaning.
I know that this blog has taken a not so fun turn in the last week, but its cheaper then therapy so I figure why not! Hey ladies want a great diet plan? Guarenteed to drop the pounds? Its called the be sad, dont eat diet. Yup its working great, like me you too can be sad, cry alot and not eat - want proof? I have lost 12 pounds in 10 days! Thats right. If you call now for your diet information package I will throw in for free my diet plan: the page is blank cause you dont want to eat when your upset. Note (or fine print) for diet to be effective you must be devastated by a tradgedy and be unable to cope. I think I should surely write infomercials.
Anyway there are places to clean and things to organize.
It is an awful feeling to feel as though you can't just sit and be with your thoughts, because those thoughts are to hard to handle. The only time I get any clarity or feeling that I can handle my thoughts is when I blog. Lets recount this morning and how it went:
Barry gets ready to leave for work and I am able to see him off without crying.. dont get me wrong it was close. So he leaves and I start to let my guard down, then just when I think hes gone... hes back forgot his wallet. So I cant stop myself this time and I burst out crying as he leaves. Sorry honey that you had to deal with that this morning. Anyway I got through that moment. I decided to go to my daily list and figure out what I needed to accomplish today. One thing on my list was that I needed to call and cancel my high risk pregnancy appointment at Moutn Sinai.
I call the clinc and an abrupt forceful (for lack of a better word) women answers the phone. The converstation goes like this:
Me- Hi my name is Cherie Hembruff (have not changed the old health card yet). I need to cancel my appointment with Dr. Ryan for tomorrow.
Abrupt women- Why are you cancelling?
Me- I have had a misscarriage.
Abrupt Women- Do you want to keep your appointment
Me- (puzzled) do you think I should keep the appointment?
Abrupt Women- Well you do plan to try again don't you?
Me- (trying to not have a break down) yes
Abrupt Women- How old are you?
Me- 29 (did not mention turning 30)
Abrupt Women- Oh your young, you have lots of time, you should wait 6 months, but thats just my opinon.
Me- (confused) I should wait 6 months and see Dr. Ryan?
Abrupt Women- no you should wait 6 months and try again, to make sure everything is clear...
Me- Why should I wait 6 months?
Abrupt Women- Trust me its just my opinon but Im a mother so I know these things you should wait 6 months. Are you going to see your doctor?
Me- Yes next week.....
Abrupt women- When did you have your misscarriage?
Me- last week
Abrupt Women- Oh its too soon to see Dr Ryan for a prepregnancy consult, go to your doctor.
Me- Ok.....
Abrupt women- Yeah wait six months to make sure everything is clear, then you try and you come see us.
Me- um thanks .. ok bye!
As you can see from the above narrative this advice from the abrupt women was clearly not requested. I was tempted to ask her for her medical creditials, other then being a mother! So after that upsetting interaction I moved forward with my cleaning.
I know that this blog has taken a not so fun turn in the last week, but its cheaper then therapy so I figure why not! Hey ladies want a great diet plan? Guarenteed to drop the pounds? Its called the be sad, dont eat diet. Yup its working great, like me you too can be sad, cry alot and not eat - want proof? I have lost 12 pounds in 10 days! Thats right. If you call now for your diet information package I will throw in for free my diet plan: the page is blank cause you dont want to eat when your upset. Note (or fine print) for diet to be effective you must be devastated by a tradgedy and be unable to cope. I think I should surely write infomercials.
Anyway there are places to clean and things to organize.
Monday, January 08, 2007
Day 1....
Its day 1 of being on my own.. its strange how going through this experience you become so vulnerable. I consider myself a strong person... but this morning it was hard to not grab onto Barrys leg and beg him not to leave me. I knew it would be hard for him so I did not want to do that.
Today has not been as bad as it could have been. Barrys car died so I had to take it to get fixed and fill out EI papers. So these things kept me busy. I have given myself some very specific rules to follow. I dont want to let myself sink into a deep depression, so I have tried to give myself some daily structure.
My rules are as follows:
1. I get up with Barry and start my day.
2. I'm not allowed to spend the day on the net looking for answers that don't exisit.
3. I'm not allowed to sit on the coach watching TV crying all day
4. I set out a structure for my day to be productive
5. If I need to stop and have a cry Im allowed to do that, and I will call a friend if I need to.
6. I will work on letting myself heal emotionally and physically so that I can prepare to start over.
Anyway thats my plan of action. Its step by step today and it will be over in 2 hours when Barry comes home and I will have made it through the first day.
I know that life goes on and that while I'm doing all this the world continues.. Im finding it hard to take it step by step as Barry would say. I want to skip steps 1-10 and be pregnant again. That of course is not how it works. I have a waiting period for recovery so I have to be patient (and being that its my stronget attribute-not) Im finding that very tough. I want to be where I am not and not be where I am. I want to be on the other side looking back . They say hindsight is 20/20 I want to look back at this and see the good that came out of it and realize Im a stronger person for all that we have dealt with. Right now Im stuck crawling though each hour holding my breath .. that I will make it.
Today has not been as bad as it could have been. Barrys car died so I had to take it to get fixed and fill out EI papers. So these things kept me busy. I have given myself some very specific rules to follow. I dont want to let myself sink into a deep depression, so I have tried to give myself some daily structure.
My rules are as follows:
1. I get up with Barry and start my day.
2. I'm not allowed to spend the day on the net looking for answers that don't exisit.
3. I'm not allowed to sit on the coach watching TV crying all day
4. I set out a structure for my day to be productive
5. If I need to stop and have a cry Im allowed to do that, and I will call a friend if I need to.
6. I will work on letting myself heal emotionally and physically so that I can prepare to start over.
Anyway thats my plan of action. Its step by step today and it will be over in 2 hours when Barry comes home and I will have made it through the first day.
I know that life goes on and that while I'm doing all this the world continues.. Im finding it hard to take it step by step as Barry would say. I want to skip steps 1-10 and be pregnant again. That of course is not how it works. I have a waiting period for recovery so I have to be patient (and being that its my stronget attribute-not) Im finding that very tough. I want to be where I am not and not be where I am. I want to be on the other side looking back . They say hindsight is 20/20 I want to look back at this and see the good that came out of it and realize Im a stronger person for all that we have dealt with. Right now Im stuck crawling though each hour holding my breath .. that I will make it.
Sunday, January 07, 2007
Innocence Lost
An interesting title right? I was talking to a friend the other day who has gone through some similar things having lost a couple pregnancies. She was very good to talk to and I could relate to her well. I have been trying to put my finger on different things that I'm bothered by right now. Then yesterday it hit me I was at Barry's family's house having lunch and we were looking at some photos. There was a photo of us the weekend that we went to Brock ville and told everyone about the baby. We looked so happy and so carefree. Never in our wildest dreams did we think that anything bad could happen to us... not us we have invisible powers that make us immune from anything bad... or so we thought. So looking at that picture is made me realize that all our innocence is lost. We will never again be able to experience a pregnancy without worry and fear.. we will have anxiety at each stage. I will always question if the baby is moving enough and if its not will memories of this time come back to me? Even when we pass that 23 week mark , there will be no sigh of relief. I will not sigh till I hear that baby cry.
So with all the things that upset me and make me feel like I'm walking on egg shells just trying to make it through another day I add this to the list- the fear of next time. Barry goes back to work tomorrow and I begin the battle to keep myself sane. I would be lying if being alone for the first time in over a week did not scare me. It does, but I have to face it, I have to find a way to make it through the day. People may wonder why I don't just go back to work. I have thought about it and have come to the conclusion that I need some time to grieve to regroup and let my body mind and soul heal.
I have moments where I feel good, Barry and I laugh and things seem almost normal. It never lasts, there has not been 1 day in the last week where at some point I did not find myself back in a sad place. I feel myself start to slip into sadness. If I could have anything right now (besides wishing that this had never happened) I would want to be down the road and around the bend. I would like to be like Adam Sandler in the movie "Click" and just skip all this stuff I'm dealing with.
I turn 30 in 19 days, to think that I was so consumed at one point with the age. I feel very much like I don't care at all. If the day passes and I don't even get out of my pajamas I wont care. What I do care about and long to know is that next January my arms will not be empty as they are now. I wish I could look into the future and know that when I turn 31 I will be a mother. That is all I want for my birthday, and its the one thing that no one can tell me I will have. Accepting the unknown and living without the answers I want is my personal agony right now. I wait for the day when I feel like myself and that when I smile its real not fake. As much as I hate it I have to give it time, after all its only been a week.
So with all the things that upset me and make me feel like I'm walking on egg shells just trying to make it through another day I add this to the list- the fear of next time. Barry goes back to work tomorrow and I begin the battle to keep myself sane. I would be lying if being alone for the first time in over a week did not scare me. It does, but I have to face it, I have to find a way to make it through the day. People may wonder why I don't just go back to work. I have thought about it and have come to the conclusion that I need some time to grieve to regroup and let my body mind and soul heal.
I have moments where I feel good, Barry and I laugh and things seem almost normal. It never lasts, there has not been 1 day in the last week where at some point I did not find myself back in a sad place. I feel myself start to slip into sadness. If I could have anything right now (besides wishing that this had never happened) I would want to be down the road and around the bend. I would like to be like Adam Sandler in the movie "Click" and just skip all this stuff I'm dealing with.
I turn 30 in 19 days, to think that I was so consumed at one point with the age. I feel very much like I don't care at all. If the day passes and I don't even get out of my pajamas I wont care. What I do care about and long to know is that next January my arms will not be empty as they are now. I wish I could look into the future and know that when I turn 31 I will be a mother. That is all I want for my birthday, and its the one thing that no one can tell me I will have. Accepting the unknown and living without the answers I want is my personal agony right now. I wait for the day when I feel like myself and that when I smile its real not fake. As much as I hate it I have to give it time, after all its only been a week.
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
The Words..
I really wanted to share this song to its best and I think adding the lyrics will help anyone listening feel the song like I felt it. Here they are:
Two months is too little.They let him go.They had no sudden healing.To think that providence would Take a child from his mother while she prays Is appalling
Who told us we’d be rescued?What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?We’re asking why this happens To us who have died to live?It’s unfair
Chorus:This is what it means to be held. How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life And you survive.This is what it is to be loved.And to know that the promise was When everything fell we’d be held.
This hand is bitterness.We want to taste it, let the hatred NUMB our sorrow.The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.
Chorus)This is what it means to be held. How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life And you survive.This is what it is to be loved.And to know that the promise was When everything fell we’d be held.
Bridge:If hope is born of suffering. If this is only the beginning. Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?
(Chorus)This is what it means to be held.how it feels when the sacred is torn from your life And you survive.This is what it is to be loved. And to know that the promise was When everything fell we’d be held. This is what it is to be loved. And to know, that the promise was when everything fell, we'd be held
Two months is too little.They let him go.They had no sudden healing.To think that providence would Take a child from his mother while she prays Is appalling
Who told us we’d be rescued?What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?We’re asking why this happens To us who have died to live?It’s unfair
Chorus:This is what it means to be held. How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life And you survive.This is what it is to be loved.And to know that the promise was When everything fell we’d be held.
This hand is bitterness.We want to taste it, let the hatred NUMB our sorrow.The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.
Chorus)This is what it means to be held. How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life And you survive.This is what it is to be loved.And to know that the promise was When everything fell we’d be held.
Bridge:If hope is born of suffering. If this is only the beginning. Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?
(Chorus)This is what it means to be held.how it feels when the sacred is torn from your life And you survive.This is what it is to be loved. And to know that the promise was When everything fell we’d be held. This is what it is to be loved. And to know, that the promise was when everything fell, we'd be held
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
My First Words....
Its very hard to speak these days, I can't make the words come out... I try to talk to people but I can't speak. I discovered today while writing an email to a friend that writing was very soothing and easier then speaking.
So I have decided to use my blog as my own sort of therapy. I know that you all have come to read my funny thoughts or daily bits of laugh bites.. but for a while I hope you will bear with me as I work through my grief. If its depressing and you don't want to read or comment that's OK. Its really just to release some of my feelings. I hope that everyone understands that.
I feel I need to tell my daughters story.. its weird to even say that. I had a daughter and while she never took a breath she was every bit my child as she was Barry's. I feel I have earned a bit of my mother stripes as I birthed her as anyone else would, I felt pain of labour and dealt with it. Her actual birth was peaceful, and quick... I was scared at first to look at her or touch her, but after some helpful encouragement from my supportive nurse and friend Sam, Barry and I finally looked at her. It was not scary as I thought it would be.. she was like a sleeping baby angel with these perfect fingers and her little toes. Its amazing how God creates life all her details were so unique to her. I believe that she had Barry's mouth, and closed perfect eye lids. The nurses put her in blankets and let Barry and I hold her.. it was so unreal to hold this little person this little part of Barry and I.
It was really hard to watch Barry hold her and talk to her, to hear him tell her how much he loves her was heart breaking, people think that because the women carries the baby and feels it move that she is more connected. Barry was just as connected in his dreams and hopes for Abby. He picked her name that seemed so fitting for her. I ask the question why every hour of the day, every minute... I seem to feel every breath I take and just hope to get through to the next one. I want an answer, but at the end of the day when all the results are back there may not be the closure that we hope for.
Barry and I want a family so much, perhaps more then ever before... one thing that has happened during this process is we have come closer together, losing and grieving together has brought a whole new stage to our love. As we work through the feelings we hope that at the other side is faith that we will have our family .. brothers and sisters for Abby. For now we have our angel baby. Abby will be cremated this week and we will decide in what way we want to honour her. It still does not seem real and I miss my baby and cry to have her back every day.. I hope that as time goes on there will be less tears and more healing. I found this quote that seems quite fitting:
"An Angel, in the Book of Life, wrote down my Baby's Birth. And Whispered as she closed the Book, 'Too Beautiful for Earth." Its very fitting.
So I have decided to use my blog as my own sort of therapy. I know that you all have come to read my funny thoughts or daily bits of laugh bites.. but for a while I hope you will bear with me as I work through my grief. If its depressing and you don't want to read or comment that's OK. Its really just to release some of my feelings. I hope that everyone understands that.
I feel I need to tell my daughters story.. its weird to even say that. I had a daughter and while she never took a breath she was every bit my child as she was Barry's. I feel I have earned a bit of my mother stripes as I birthed her as anyone else would, I felt pain of labour and dealt with it. Her actual birth was peaceful, and quick... I was scared at first to look at her or touch her, but after some helpful encouragement from my supportive nurse and friend Sam, Barry and I finally looked at her. It was not scary as I thought it would be.. she was like a sleeping baby angel with these perfect fingers and her little toes. Its amazing how God creates life all her details were so unique to her. I believe that she had Barry's mouth, and closed perfect eye lids. The nurses put her in blankets and let Barry and I hold her.. it was so unreal to hold this little person this little part of Barry and I.
It was really hard to watch Barry hold her and talk to her, to hear him tell her how much he loves her was heart breaking, people think that because the women carries the baby and feels it move that she is more connected. Barry was just as connected in his dreams and hopes for Abby. He picked her name that seemed so fitting for her. I ask the question why every hour of the day, every minute... I seem to feel every breath I take and just hope to get through to the next one. I want an answer, but at the end of the day when all the results are back there may not be the closure that we hope for.
Barry and I want a family so much, perhaps more then ever before... one thing that has happened during this process is we have come closer together, losing and grieving together has brought a whole new stage to our love. As we work through the feelings we hope that at the other side is faith that we will have our family .. brothers and sisters for Abby. For now we have our angel baby. Abby will be cremated this week and we will decide in what way we want to honour her. It still does not seem real and I miss my baby and cry to have her back every day.. I hope that as time goes on there will be less tears and more healing. I found this quote that seems quite fitting:
"An Angel, in the Book of Life, wrote down my Baby's Birth. And Whispered as she closed the Book, 'Too Beautiful for Earth." Its very fitting.
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