A Ray of hope breaks through....

I know that lately has been a rather dark place and has been alot of sad things going on in my heart and mind. For the first time tonight I felt some hope. Tonight Barry and I went out for dinner with the Pastor that married us and his wife. I had contacted him for some support when things had been going astray with the pregnancy.

So tonight we went out for a bite with them, I was not really sure what to expect from the meeting, after all what could they really do for us. However just being able to talk to someone openly about our feelings was extremely helpful. Barry and I learned that we both grieve differently and that even though he may not show things the same way as I do its just as tough for him as it is for me.

I also got to verbalize alot of my fears, the pastor gave me a great idea for dealing with the things that I'm so worried about. He told me to make a list of all the things that I'm thinking and worrying about, and then for each one ask myself is that a logical thought or is it not, and if its not logical to write out reasons why its not true. I also came to recognize that I have been living in the whats gonna happen in 6 months from now and I play alot of the what if this happens, or what if that. This is stuff that I think I knew but for some reason was not able to address. I felt some sense of relief to hear that what I'm feeling is normal, and that its OK that I don't feel good yet. I have carried this fear that I should be better and that I should feel better. I now know that its OK that I'm grieving. Its gonna take time to work though it all.

I feel still vulnerable and susceptible to the overwhelming sense of sadness that I feel. I am almost afraid to go to bed for fear that I will wake up tomorrow and I will feel over come again. However I take a small amount of comfort that its OK to feel sad and that maybe the next time I feel that way I wont try to hide is and bury it I will simply plow through it and deal with it. I wont try to hide it from Barry but tell him how I'm feeling.

I also got to talk about my uncertainty about returning to work. I have some good moments where I think I'm ready. Then I have bad moments where I either think I should just go back to work so I don't have to deal with this anymore. So I don't think that I'm ready yet, after talking tonight I can say that I have some things to deal with. So I need to find something that I can do and enjoy and be productive to help me work though things. I have not yet figured out that that will be, but I'm gonna give it some thought. Perhaps a class or a hobby that I have always wanted to do that I have not had time to do. What I cant do is sit here at home alone all day and be sad and lonely. It was getting to the point I hated my house because it feels like prison.

This is one long blog, I don't even care if anyone reads this or not, I just am writing for my own clarity and healing process. I am starting to accept my feelings, and that if I wake up tomorrow and I feel sad and lost its OK, and just because I feel that way right now does not mean it will be that way forever. It also does not mean that because I have lost a baby and feel bad about it, does not mean that I will never have the chance again. One has nothing to do with the other. So now that I have written all this I have to try and remember to reread this when I'm having a down moment.

Barry and I are trying out church, we went last Sunday and are gonna give it a try again. Its been a long time since I went to church and I cant say that Barry and i have ever had a church. So I think its time we give it a try. Anyway I feel like a baby cow (for lack of a better comparison). I am trying to stand up for the first time, I'm shaky and I don't think it would take much to knock me over, but if I do fall over I will keep trying to get back up until I can finally walk again.