The feeling of dissappointment

I wake up each day, I look out the window and I feel the weight of dissappointment on my shoulders. Its hard to explain I just feel heavy and an ache. I am grateful that this is only a stop in my life, and I feel badly for anyone who has to walk through their life with this feeling all the time. It is awful to just feel such a sense of loss and lack of hope everyday.

There are moments that I feel better, like last night we went to a friends for dinner and it was so nice to get out. I actually felt a bit like myself for a few hours. Then we come home and it settles back on me like a thick fog. I was having trouble putting my finger on what is so hard about being home. Then someone made a comment that made alot of sense, this is where our dreams and hopes for the future started. It is where all the memories are. I sit in my house and I think about how there will be no baby to bring home in April, there will be no sounds of a newborn crying. I wont be sitting in a rocking chair hold my sweet baby. The pain that brings is harsh and unrelenting.

I try to have hope to think that one day those things will happen but I just feel like nothing good will ever happen again. I feel like I will never get to fill this void. I so despartly want to be a mother and hold a child... I know that logically this can happen but right now its hard to look into the future and see that when Im back at the starting line. We were so close to the end and then poof it was all gone in an instant. I ache today, I ache deeply.....