Trying is Trying

As a friend recently said to me life is full of steps, we take a few forward and we take a few back, until we finally move forward. Today was a day of trying. Trying to think positive, trying to find ways to move forward and trying to see the hope that I want to believe is there. When I met with the pastor the other night he said that it takes as much effort to focus on the negative as it does the positive. I would say hes right its effort either way.

I really found today a challenge. I was lucky to have Barry with me and make me smile. He kept me busy with a trip to the mall for nothing more then a new cream and sugar bowl for my tea pot. Then we went for a drive, Barry said it was cause he wanted to see what was up in Solina, but I think it was cause my husband knows that lately driving feels safe. After that it was to tidy the garage and put those Christmas decorations away for another year. As I passed each bin up the latter to Barry I said a little prayer that next Christmas would see a lighter side.. and perhaps the continuation of our family.

I am learning just how unstable ones emotions can be. I have always be a crier I wont deny that, I cry at bell commercials and any movie that has any amount of sap in it I'm all over the tissues. However this experience has made me realize that emotions are a powerful thing. I had started to think that maybe I was advancing quickly and that before I knew it I would even be back at the hospital working with moms and babies. Then as we walked through the mall I heard a sound that my ears had not heard in some time... I heard a crying baby. Not the kind that you hear from an irritable toddler or a child that wants something... but the sound of a new cry a small very new baby. I don't know how to describe the feeling other then I felt like someone had ripped my stomach in half and I had to catch my breath... perhaps one of the most difficult moments yet. I did make it through, I took a big gulp of air and wiped the tears the were about to spill over and I kept walking.

So today was a little trying. The one thing that made today a bit easier was that I knew it would happen.. not like I was sitting waiting to feel bad, but that I was honest enough with myself to say OK we had a good day yesterday, that does not mean it will not be hard still. I started my list like the pastor said, it is up to 16 things that are not logical. It was interesting to look at the list and see how much I have been holding in. I got a call from my doctor today to see how I was doing. It was very refreshing to talk to her, we talked about what happened and how I was feeling. I got to ask some questions, although I did not get many answers I got a plan of action. We are meeting with her on Monday to talk about the next steps. Barry and I are going to do some genetic testing and just make sure that we have ruled out anything that could he a cause, so that next time the end of the story is different.

Tomorrow is another day, and with that comes my needing to find my inner strength to keep the faith that I can make it and that there is light ahead of me. I know that perhaps that there are some that are reading my blog and don't understand how deep the feelings are for me right now. The only thing I can say is I hope to God that no one I care about ever has to find out.... So I hope for tomorrow to fight my way through and not give in.