Different but the same....

Last night we had a friend over for a visit. Our friend has been through some tough times of her own, and while we were talking I discovered something our issues might be very different but in many ways they are very much the same. I could draw alot of similarities between her and I. The main thing that stood out is that grief is grief no matter what you have lost. It was surprising to find that she shared alot of the same feelings I am having even though we have both lost different things.

One thing that we talked about that I had not been able to really give an accurate description of is bed time. I dread getting up in the morning and going to bed at night. I was having a hard time explaining to Barry and others why I found this time so hard. My friend also finds these times hard. The reason I have finally been able to verbalize is that when I lay down to go to sleep my mind is filled with all these intense thoughts, its at that time that I'm back at the hospital, or that I think about all the nights I would lie in bed and feel Abby move. As I drift off to sleep I am consumed by my thoughts with no distraction. Then when I wake in the morning before I'm fully alert I have this pit in my stomach and all the thoughts seem so overwhelming and strong. Its like when your in that place between sleep and awake there is this haze that makes things seem so out of focus. It actually felt good to talk to this friend about this stuff, I'm hoping that maybe we both got something out of our visit.

So now I'm up starting another day.. Saturdays are hard for me cause that is the day that my new week would start. I would be 26 weeks today. So far when Saturday comes I cant help but think how many weeks I would have been. I find that I'm scared right now of people with Babies or who are gonna have babies. Its like they are a hot stove element. I don't want to get too close for fear of getting burned. I know this is silly but I just am so sensitive right now. Its not that I don't want people to be happy cause certainly I do, but its just so hard to see them where I want and should have been . I get scared that people are gonna call me up and tell me that they are pregnant... and that when they do I will just melt down. I'm sure with time this will get easier, and I can again return to celebrating their news.. but right now its just not possible. I have a family baby shower coming up in the next month or so.. as much as I want to be supportive I think that I will just send a gift . I cant imagine going to something like that right now, I'm still so raw.

Its funny how each new day there is always more emotion to explore, just when I think I cant possibly feel any more, or have anything new happen a new feeling comes to the surface. The pastor that we are seeing says that its like Charlie Brown, and his famous saying "Good Grief". Its good to grieve and to work through emotions, not that it always feels nice but its still good. My hope is that it will result in healing.