They are every where....

Have you ever noticed that when something is bothering you and your trying to just move on and deal with it in a healthy way it ends up right back in your face? Its fair to say (more then fair) that I have been slightly focused on pregnancy and childbirth this last while. I am making good progress I think, being productive and trying to find healthy outlets to deal with my feelings.

I'm fully aware that when you go out in the world there will be babies and pregnant people, heck thats life... but right now I do avoid places that I consider to be "hot zones" of activity like children's sections in Zellers, school areas, and certain parts of the mall.

So having said that here is my story: I decided I would like to challenge myself and go to a class at my new gym. I decided to go to the Body pump class its a weight toning class. I get there and I'm setting up my stuff when what before my eyes parks it self right in front of me? a obviously pregnant women. My first thought was you have got to be kidding me! It seemed like a cruel joke that I would be forced to not only share this class with her but that she would be in my direct line of vision. I would have moved but at this point the class was filling up and there was nowhere to go. So I took a deep breath and told myself what I tell myself on a hourly basis: that is her life not yours, you have to follow your own path, your not where you want to be right now but someday you will be. Then the cute male instructor started the class (hey I'm just saying ladies I can appreciate some beauty even if I'm married!!) I was then so distracted by the pain that he inflicted upon us that I forgot all about the belly staring me in the face.

I find I'm very sensitive to this stuff right now.. don't get me wrong I certainly don't begrudge anyone there happy life or having a baby, not at all. Its just hard to see it and wish that I had it again. I don't feel like crying as often as I did (I guess that's a good sign). However I just find that at times I'm drained by my sad and heavy heart. I am doing better, and I imagine that it will get easier, but right now I just wish there was a day that I did not think about it every hour.... As I have been told and have come to accept its not a linear process, knowing this I can go with the good times and ride out the bad times knowing the will pass.

There are a few good positive things I should mention to balance things out:

1. I'm enjoying exercising and eating healthy again
2. I'm excited about our upcoming trip, I think its just the getaway we need
3. I am looking forward to going back to my doctor on Feb 8th to get some test results and rule stuff out.
4. I should be back to trying again mid March, which while it seems far away is not really when you think how fast time flies.
5. I'm enjoying the new Church I have been going to, I have found alot of support and advice to help me
6. Barry and I are talking about moving (within Bowmanville) and we are pretty excited about the prospect of that. We enjoy the Sunday afternoon drive to look at places.

So that is some stuff that is good in my world. There of course is more but those are the highlights right now. Life is up and down, but I think that I can look back so far and see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel... I may not always know how I will reach it, but I know its there and for now that's good enough for me.