The midnight hour is lonely

I sit here on the Internet looking for answers, but of course there are none as there was none yesterday or the day before. Its midnight and its lonely. I cant sleep and I don't want to. Of course the rest of the world is safely tucked away. I envy that kind of peace.

You can do anything on the net these days you can shop online, download movies and music, you can have conversations with people across the world.. but what you cant do is mend the heart.

There are so many questions that I have that have no answers. Not that I expect that by posting them here they will suddenly be answered... but all the same seeing as I'm thinking out loud I might as well keep going:

Why does everyday seem like a huge effort?
Why cant I just get over it and move on?
Why does every hour seem like a year?
How do I rejoin the regular world and not feel bitter towards people that have what I lost?
How do I not hide in my house for fear of coming in touch with something that might upset me?
How do I have hope that it will be OK? People tell me everyday that it will be OK and I try so hard to believe them, but then when night falls and I'm left with my thoughts I lose sight of all hope.. why?
Is there a God? I want to believe that there is but I don't see him, and I don't feel him and I don't understand how a God that loves me would take not only my child but my sanity, my strength, my ability to have hope and peace. How can that be?

I would rather be in physical pain.. at least with physical pain you can get medication and get well. People see you with say a broken leg and they say oh wow that's why shes in so much pain ,her leg looks awful. Emotional pain is so intangible that people don't know how to handle it. They cant see it and cant relate to it. If your in a cast for months people recognize that it takes time to heal and expect that you wont be running a marathon for quite some time. Emotional pain people think that as you move away from the days following the event that you should bounce back and move on. I wish that were the case.. who would not love to forget the bad that happens and just wake up happy the day after?

I try everyday I battle everyday to have hope and think positive yet at the end of the day I'm left with this feeling that I never believed any of it... for all my effort its a fake. I have the will to believe and the want... just not the energy.

There are so many obvious reasons that I feel sad... but the one that makes me sad right now is that I feel like I have lost my Cherieness... I feel like the girl who loves to laugh and have fun is gone. Dead. I put on a good front for people, to avoid making them feel uncomfortable that I'm so unhappy.. but in my true moments alone I feel dark and unhappy. I hope I'm wrong but at this moment I just don't ever think I will be the same and that I have lost a piece of myself to this tragedy. I hate what this loss has taken from me. Not just the physical tangible things but the things it has taken from my spirit, my relationships, my life.

People I'm sure may read my blog and think I have dove off the deep end.. perhaps I have. They may think wow it cant be that bad cant she just get over it? I wish I could. I cant explain to another person on earth what this is like. I was watching Greys Anatomy tonight.. one of the med students George his dad died. He standing outside alone when his friend comes out to talk to him. She says to him there is a special club that you can only join when your dad dies its call the dead dads club. Unless your in the club you don't understand and you don't know how it feels. I related to that. I feel like there is a club that I hope no one I love ever has to join .. and that if you are in my club only then do you get the feelings and issues that come with it.

I'm tired, yet not sleepy, I feel lost and isolate, but I'm surrounded by people. I just feel like there is no fight left in me. I try everyday to claw my way through filling my hours with tasks and as some would say "holding my chin up". Right now I just don't want to bother. I may just stay in bed tomorrow... I don't see the point in trying, it does nothing for me.