Innocence Lost

An interesting title right? I was talking to a friend the other day who has gone through some similar things having lost a couple pregnancies. She was very good to talk to and I could relate to her well. I have been trying to put my finger on different things that I'm bothered by right now. Then yesterday it hit me I was at Barry's family's house having lunch and we were looking at some photos. There was a photo of us the weekend that we went to Brock ville and told everyone about the baby. We looked so happy and so carefree. Never in our wildest dreams did we think that anything bad could happen to us... not us we have invisible powers that make us immune from anything bad... or so we thought. So looking at that picture is made me realize that all our innocence is lost. We will never again be able to experience a pregnancy without worry and fear.. we will have anxiety at each stage. I will always question if the baby is moving enough and if its not will memories of this time come back to me? Even when we pass that 23 week mark , there will be no sigh of relief. I will not sigh till I hear that baby cry.

So with all the things that upset me and make me feel like I'm walking on egg shells just trying to make it through another day I add this to the list- the fear of next time. Barry goes back to work tomorrow and I begin the battle to keep myself sane. I would be lying if being alone for the first time in over a week did not scare me. It does, but I have to face it, I have to find a way to make it through the day. People may wonder why I don't just go back to work. I have thought about it and have come to the conclusion that I need some time to grieve to regroup and let my body mind and soul heal.

I have moments where I feel good, Barry and I laugh and things seem almost normal. It never lasts, there has not been 1 day in the last week where at some point I did not find myself back in a sad place. I feel myself start to slip into sadness. If I could have anything right now (besides wishing that this had never happened) I would want to be down the road and around the bend. I would like to be like Adam Sandler in the movie "Click" and just skip all this stuff I'm dealing with.

I turn 30 in 19 days, to think that I was so consumed at one point with the age. I feel very much like I don't care at all. If the day passes and I don't even get out of my pajamas I wont care. What I do care about and long to know is that next January my arms will not be empty as they are now. I wish I could look into the future and know that when I turn 31 I will be a mother. That is all I want for my birthday, and its the one thing that no one can tell me I will have. Accepting the unknown and living without the answers I want is my personal agony right now. I wait for the day when I feel like myself and that when I smile its real not fake. As much as I hate it I have to give it time, after all its only been a week.