My First Words....

Its very hard to speak these days, I can't make the words come out... I try to talk to people but I can't speak. I discovered today while writing an email to a friend that writing was very soothing and easier then speaking.

So I have decided to use my blog as my own sort of therapy. I know that you all have come to read my funny thoughts or daily bits of laugh bites.. but for a while I hope you will bear with me as I work through my grief. If its depressing and you don't want to read or comment that's OK. Its really just to release some of my feelings. I hope that everyone understands that.

I feel I need to tell my daughters story.. its weird to even say that. I had a daughter and while she never took a breath she was every bit my child as she was Barry's. I feel I have earned a bit of my mother stripes as I birthed her as anyone else would, I felt pain of labour and dealt with it. Her actual birth was peaceful, and quick... I was scared at first to look at her or touch her, but after some helpful encouragement from my supportive nurse and friend Sam, Barry and I finally looked at her. It was not scary as I thought it would be.. she was like a sleeping baby angel with these perfect fingers and her little toes. Its amazing how God creates life all her details were so unique to her. I believe that she had Barry's mouth, and closed perfect eye lids. The nurses put her in blankets and let Barry and I hold her.. it was so unreal to hold this little person this little part of Barry and I.

It was really hard to watch Barry hold her and talk to her, to hear him tell her how much he loves her was heart breaking, people think that because the women carries the baby and feels it move that she is more connected. Barry was just as connected in his dreams and hopes for Abby. He picked her name that seemed so fitting for her. I ask the question why every hour of the day, every minute... I seem to feel every breath I take and just hope to get through to the next one. I want an answer, but at the end of the day when all the results are back there may not be the closure that we hope for.

Barry and I want a family so much, perhaps more then ever before... one thing that has happened during this process is we have come closer together, losing and grieving together has brought a whole new stage to our love. As we work through the feelings we hope that at the other side is faith that we will have our family .. brothers and sisters for Abby. For now we have our angel baby. Abby will be cremated this week and we will decide in what way we want to honour her. It still does not seem real and I miss my baby and cry to have her back every day.. I hope that as time goes on there will be less tears and more healing. I found this quote that seems quite fitting:
"An Angel, in the Book of Life, wrote down my Baby's Birth. And Whispered as she closed the Book, 'Too Beautiful for Earth." Its very fitting.