Abby's day was beautiful!

As Barry so rightly said, today might have been Abby's birthday. We had a nice sunny day and I cant help but think that our angel sent us a sunny day. God has been so good to us in the last few months. Things have been hard but I have this amazing deep hope that there is so much more for us around the corner.

Abby was only known to us, not the rest of the world and for only a short time.. but the impact that it has left on us is everlasting. I thank God for the opportunity to love her even though I never met her.


One of the first shots of me as I started to realize that my clothes did not fit anymore.

" Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart"

- Jeremiah 1:5-

There is a story in the bible that I have been reading about, if your not familiar with Abraham I encourage you to read it as its totally a powerful story of faith and trust. Abraham was promised by God to have a great nation come from his line, He had many many reasons to believe that it would never happen.... but yet he never gave up:

"Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him. "so shall your offspring be" without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead- since he was about 100 years old- and that Sarah's womb was also dead. Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised" Romans 4:18-21

I find this an amazing statement of faith. If Abraham can give thanks to God and trust in him despite what appeared to be the most difficult circumstances .. then so will I. I thank God for bringing me to this place.

Happy Easter!

This is a powerful video of what Easter really means! (and chcocolate its pretty yummy also!) Happy Easter to all!

Indescribable

This is an amazing song! It has totally uplifted me in the last few days. I hope you enjoy it.

Im ok

I have this tendency to be very hard on myself. If any one in my life directly will tell you its been quite a process and continues to be. I have good times and not so good times (just like anyone else I suppose). I often think that I need to be perfect, but I realize that is not possible as a human being who makes mistakes. God is perfect and I chose to put trust in him to see me through the good bad and ugly. I found this quote that I think describes perfectly where I am:

"I'm not where I need to be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be. I'm okay, and I'm on my way."

The effects of Face book on Blogging!

My poor blog, beloved blog... what has happened? I have been so neglectful of my blog... all because of the newest craze on the net.. face book. If you dont know what face book is you live under a rock! Seriously its killing blogging as we know it. The endless searches for people we knew from like years ago, the posts, writing on peoples walls.... its an addiction for sure. I have limited my use of face book because I am trying to channel myself away from anything that seems to cause me to waste my time in large quantities.

Anyway I felt that I needed to write a blog cause I have been told that my blogging is going down hill. So let me tell you a small tidbit for the day:

I was at the gym this past weekend and I was waiting for a friend of mine to come to the body pump class that we go to. I had set up her stuff so that if she was late she could just hop in and start. Seeing as she did not make it to the gym I was left with her stuff set up and unused. This guy came into the class late and I said to him hey you can use this set up if you want. No big deal right? Wrong!!! It is a huge deal that this particular fellow did not feel it necessary to use any deodorant before attending this class. So I was the unfortunate victim of his manly work out smell (gross!!!) So I have learned a lesson : beware the smelly gym guy as he could be working out right next to you!!

That is my tid bit of blogging for today! Other then that life is getting better and better. I have found a new strength in my faith and God.. many may not understand this but trust me God has been and continues to be very good to me! I have alot to be thankful for and so much to look forward to in the future. I hope and pray that I can share my blessings with those in my life.

Dont forget to put your clocks forward

I'm losing an hour of sleep!! I am a night hawk, always have been.. always will be. That in turn means I'm so not a morning person. So when the evening comes I come alive and end up staying up too late, thus perpetuating the non morning person cycle. So now that we have to put our clocks ahead I am forced to lose another precious hour of sleep.

Today it rained, which means that spring is coming... I enjoy spring because it brings me that much closer to summer. I wont go into a long dramatic story of how spring brings everything alive etc etc I'm sure we can all figure that out ( Ill live the rest to the poets). For me spring was supposed to be alot of things.. and for right now its not any of those things. I accept where I am, and believe strongly in my heart that where I am is just a part of a journey that I must take. Someday I know that I will write a blog that will reflect back on the months past and realize that God knows more then I do and the whole time was holding me in his hand while I walked through this valley. Today I'm grateful to be sane.. there have been days that it has been hard to put one foot in front of the other, and to be able to just get out of bed and face the world. I have come along way from that place. I'm now back at work and things are going OK.. I'm not feeling extremely passionate about it.. but things will return to balance in time.

People may not look at me and think that much has changed in my life, but I can tell you that my heart is a completely different place then it was 2 months ago. Its amazing how certain life experiences can take you through dark places and bring you out the other side richer. I wish I could skip the spring, because its a season that I want to forget this year.. but I cant do that I have to do just as I have done all along I have to walk through each day- or as my mom would have said "take one day at a time". Time stands still when you want it to go fast, and time goes fast when you wish it could go slow. That is a universal truth I have come to see, but no matter how fast or slow time does march on and with it things get better. I wanted to have my first mothers day this year with a new baby, and while that wont happen this year, I believe that God has a special plan and that in his perfect time I will get that wish. Until then I will continue to put one foot in front of the other and step forward in faith.

Happy Monday everyone!!

Happy monday everyone I just wanted to say a quick hi and let you all know Im still alive. Im starting back to work full time next week so that will be good, its time I need to get on with life. Im thankful that I can go back to work cause with us owing for income tax this year I need to ha ha!

Have a great day to all my readers


God is good all the time... All the time God is good!

My thoughts on being back to work..

So I'm sure that many of you are curious about my back to work experience. I have been asked by many how things are going. They are going fine, somethings never change.. nurses still do the crazy things that nurses do, people are still OCD about the same things, shifts, what nurses they have, etc. The people I work with are of course wonderful.. and without them i don't think work would be half as good or enjoyable.

However having said that I will give you an analogy for what I feel about being back to work at this time in my life: its like going to the dentist... you have to go to the dentist, its good for you, its needed.. but its can also be painful and often you are relieved when its over. That is how I feel right now.. Its not that I don't want to work or that I cant work.. its just that still somewhere inside of me my heart is else where. I long for the days where I'm more myself. I have not really been blogging lately mainly cause theres not much to say.. I think I'm telling more of my feelings to God and praying. Trying to build up some faith and to find some inner strength. So its a process its been 2 months now, all the changes that have happened for me I could not have imagined and would take too long to write.. but if you ever really want to know ask and Ill tell you, cause its not all bad I have discovered some amazing things in this time that I'm now considering a journey.

Anyway work may not be a day at the beach.. but its not the end of the world either.. I'm sure somewhere in there I will find my groove again. Until then open wide the dentist will see you now..

Blasts from the past

I have a new addiction, its called facebook. Im sure many of you have joined this strange club where you write on people's walls. Anyway as part of the experience you can become part of a group.. what to my delight do I find? My old camp has a group!! So here are a couple of photos, ah the good old days! I cant tell you why we are lying on the floor, Im assuming some sort of game. Camp was so much more fun then the real world.. where are the camps for adults???




You will notice the large walkie talkie that I carrry, its very stylish! I still have that hat by the way buttons and all!!

Just for the Record...

OK I know that everyone has heard about this in the news to death.. but just for the record, Britney Spears is crazy (poor girl)! In fact shes so crazy that shes making K-Fed look pretty awesome! Who saw that one coming, that K-Fed would come out of this smelling like a rose.
I really need to give up celebrity gossip its rotting my brain like candy. That is all.

Let That be Enough

I had downloaded a bunch of music before we went on our trip, just a mix of stuff to relax to. I had never heard this song before but recognized the artist (switchfoot) and thought I would just give it a whirl. So I was listening to it today, and the words really spoke to me. They are very hopeful and it seemed that they were right there right when I needed them. I think the song is beautiful and I wanted to share it. It starts with a person who is unsure and then finds hope. The video version I found is just one someone made.. anyway I just thought the song was so inspiring and soothing that I thought maybe my readers might like a little encouragement- so I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

The pictures continue...

The Resort at Sunrise, it was so beautiful!

My hot husband trying to look cool by the fountain

Trying to get some colour

Omar!! The most fun amazing tour guide ever!

Dominican Country Side, we went up into those mountains to go to a coffee plantation.

More Pics....

Me in the court yard at night. Good coffee found here.

Barry and I on an outback tour, its very hot and I think that those are banana trees behind us.

We stopped at this beach on the outback day, it was the most amazing beach I have ever seen.

A litte sand tribute to our daughter.....

Who is that cute guy Im with?? I must have picked him up down there.. sweet!

Back From the Sunshine!

Hi Everyone,

We are back from a wonderful vacation! It seems to go too fast and there is far too much snow here! Anyway we have great stories and many pictures. Here are just a few to give you a taste:


Barry and I outside the resort

Getting ready for some Punta Cana night life.. that means sitting in the lobby watching Europeans and trying to figure out what they are saying!!

Best Beaches ever!!!

Barry and I on Valentines Day, was very romantic.

Barry looks good in hats, but Im not sure that he could pull this off as an everyday look. What do you think!!

See ya all in a week!

I hope that everyone has a great week! Barry and I are hoping to have a nice vacation and spend some time together! Not much to write this morning as Im just getting ready to leave for Toronto.

Anyway by tomorrow at this time I will be on a beach chair in the sun, I'll be sure to think of you all and bring you home some sunshine! Take care see ya in a week.... oh if I get a chance I will buy some internet minutes and give a blog update so peek back and see!

Punta Cana Here we come!!

The count down is on! We leave for Punta Cana in T-Minus 29 hours!! I'm getting excited to sit in some sunshine. I think that getting away will be really good for Barry and I, give us a chance to just relax and reconnect after this last stressful couple of months.

I went this morning to my body pump class, and I noticed that after three weeks of don't the class I'm getting much stronger and better able to do the exercises. I kind of relate this to the rest of me, I'm getting much stronger emotionally then I was in January. Yes I still have my times were I feel bad... but I am managing to get through it. I have hope, I know that there is a bright future for Barry and I. I also believe that we will have a family in time. So I'm gonna continue to focus on the good things and plan for the future. I also believe that God is good and has helped me through this time. For that and all the support that I have around me from our dear friends I'm very grateful. Well I'm off to buy some sunscreen so that I don't burn like a lobster!!!!

Im normal... hard to believe eh!

Today was the big doctors appointment! I went in with alot of worry (while trying to be optimistic!). Anyway all the blood work they did came back normal! Yup that's right folks you heard it here first I'm normal (at least medically!!!).

I am relieved to hear that there is nothing wrong with me, but of course there is still the unanswered questions the big "why". The autopsy report is not back! I have been told that it can take up to year to get those results! I don't know why but that's what I'm hearing!!! So I wont hold my breath on that one... I guess I just have to trust that things happen for a reason and go from here.

Anyway Barry and I leave for Punta Cana in a few days, when I told my doc where I was going she said that I should get this malaria medication cause apparently they have alot of trouble with that down there. So I'm stocked up with the pills, no strange tropical diseases for me!!!

So as hard as it is to move forward I do feel like each day there is progress mixed with set backs. Well not really set backs just reminders... like Karla Homolca (cant spell it sorry) front page of the sun paper announcing that she had a baby boy.. can we ask ourselves why this women would be granted a child? I guess its not for me to judge but it certainly makes little sense in my mind. Anyway as people have said time heals all wounds, to be honest with you and not to sound all deep and spiritual (cause I'm far from it) I believe that its more like God heals all wounds, mixed with some time. For every day that I can feel a bit better I am thankful to God and my family and friends that support me. Anyway I'm off to bed to dream of the beach that I will sit on next week. I'm gonna sleep a grateful sleep for the good news that I'm normal! It only took 30 years to figure that out ha ha!

Why I dont hate Marcia Cross and other Super Market Revelations...

Its amazing the things that can come to you when your standing in the check out isle at the grocery store... or its amazing how you can see yourself changing. I'm standing in the line as I always do looking at all the star mags and amusing myself while I wait.

Then there it is the magazine I have avoided for a month.. the Good House Keeping with Marcia Cross on the cover. See I have been hating her for a while now.. when I found out I was pregnant I was delighted to think that my favorite desperate house wife and I would have kids that share the same birth month. Then everything went sour and I started resenting her ( i know you would think shes a personal friend or something) Maybe not resenting her but resenting what she still had and I did not. So I would avoid the magazines that showed her glowing and stroking her ever growing belly, a painful reminder for me.

For some reason today I did something that I had not done, instead of looking at the cover and feeling upset I picked it up and turned to the page about her story. As I started to read her story I realized how much I did not know.. Marcia Cross had come to a point in her life where she was alone 40 and no good men in her life. She was about to consider adopting a child as she had felt her opportunity had passed her by. Then she met her husband and like a fairy tale it all came together and shes having her wonderful twins. In that line up I realized something, she had her own painful journey, I'm sure that there were days that she felt despair and sadness over being alone and childless at 40. So instead of resenting her I decided to celebrate for her, cause she on the home stretch and her story can give me hope that I too will have the fairy tale ending. Its more then hoping it will happen, its believing that God has a good and perfect plan for Barry and I.

So Marcia, even though our kids wont share a birthday, I know that your story is hope for me and its good that we can live in a world where the good things still happen in amidst the bad. Next time I see you smiling at me from the over of a magazine I will smile back because I know that Faith, hope and love are alive and well in this world, and as I'm finding they are coming to life again in me.

Progress and all that stuff....

So I have not written as much in the last couple days, I guess I just did not have that much to say. I think that over the course of the last month or so I have said it all (and then some). I have spent some time in quiet reflection with my thoughts in the last few days instead of blogging. That has been good for me also, to just be still and think.

Sometimes its hard to see progress in this situation but I think it is happening. I go about my day and do the things that need to be done and I can do it now without feeling so overwhelmed. I still find that when I'm out and about or with people we will be laughing about something or doing something and in its there in the back of my mind. Something will trigger the thought. Its like when you have a really good dream and you wake up to realize its not real, that's how I sometimes feel like I forget that there is no Abby, and that this spring will come and go and I wont be a mom. That's when I get this pit feeling in my stomach and there is disappointment in my heart. Instead of an overwhelming not being able to function feeling its a quiet sore spot in my heart that seems to always be there. I long for the day when I can look at the situation differently, when I can look back and truly say how lucky I was to have had her even for a short time. A friend of mine who has been through a similar situation said that looking back if she had the baby she lost she would not have the ones that she has now, and that she cant imagine her life without them. I guess that just goes to show that no one knows what plans God has, it could be more joyous then I even know, So I pray for and hope for good things in my life and the lives of those around me.

We leave for our trip in 4 days! I cant wait to get out of this awful cold weather, its just to cold here people! Anyway I'm looking forward to a little relaxation for my very favorite husband! We have our books picked out, and are ready to find a nice sunny beach chair and park ourselves there for a week of bliss!! Its gonna be a wonderful chance for us to defuse after the last couple months and I'm looking forward to it.

Tomorrow is the big day that I have been waiting for, I go to see my doctor and hopefully the tests will be back and maybe just maybe there will be an answer, something to give me closure. However if there are no answers and everything was normal then I will take that as a sign that it wont happen again. Either way you slice it I have waited a month for this and I'm really hoping it will be beneficial.

So progress.... yes its slow and if I had my way I would move through this time and be on the other side, but that's not how it works. So instead I will see today for what it is a gift, it is one more day that I can learn to smile again and have the hope that life has good things for me. I cant say that I don't have hurts still but I think there is progress and for that I have to be thankful.

A Video Tribute...

...to Debbie Downer!

Barry filmed this little clip while we were in Niagara Falls for our 1st Anniversary. This goes out to my hero, and mentor, Debbie. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Enjoy!