I feel like a fake..

Just a small disclaimer: I know that my blogs are not funny or entertaining right now, for that I wont apologize. I has been brought to my attention that some people may have stopped reading due to the open nature of my blogging. I just want everyone to know that I'm OK with that. I write for me and me alone. If people want to share in my life journey that's fine, and if you prefer to just read the funny stuff that's fine too. Either way I just thought I would acknowledge that I know what I sound like, and for me this is what I am right now, so read or don't read I wont take offense.

Ever feel like a fake? I do, I feel like everything I do is fake, I smile and its a fake, I make pleasant conversation and its a fake, I go about doing things and it all seems fake. Let me be clear it feels fake not insincere, I do really care about people and the world around me, I just feel like my attempts to be part of the world are met half hearted.. if that makes any sense at all.

Is it petty and stupid that today I saw Marcia Cross on the cover of a magazine and thought to myself shes like 44 years old and look at her, shes due the same month as I was and she is gonna have healthy twins... how is that fair? I know that I don't know how she got there or what she went though to have her babies, perhaps she struggle years before hand.. who knows. It still seems unfair.

I'm sick of myself, I have to say that even though I'm going on vacation I wish that the one thing I did not have to bring with me is me. I must have great friends around me cause if I'm sick of myself then I can only imagine how they must feel dealing with me. Half the time I don't know which pole is prevailing the north or the south! People give me great advice they say be positive, put your energy that way.. and its great advice and so very true.. but also so hard I have to work so hard to keep feeling positive. Then the minute I let my guard down I'm slumped over feeling like dirt. I had a good day today.. there was nothing wrong with today, why then do I just feel so awful? There is no reason for it.

I have this website that I am part of its a fertility website and its got a section for people who have had losses to post and share things. Its pretty good, accept that when I go there and I see how many people are in my boat and how they are all struggling with the same issues.. and how they have been struggling for years with infertility and trying, well lets just say its very discouraging. I feel like the road ahead while full of positive things around me, its not so positive when it comes to trying to have a baby.

Part of me so desperately would give up anything in life to have a baby, I would go to any lengths, spare no expensive.... then there is part of me, the part that is fragile and sad that thinks I cant do it. I have not got the strength to do this again, to go through the whole process and even if you do get pregnant again there are certainly no guarantees that its gonna work out. I think maybe we should just adopt, maybe we should have a surrogate, or maybe we should just be happy as we are and go on with our lives forgetting about kids. As much as I tell myself that last thing I know that its not gonna happen, no matter what happens I cant lie to myself ... I don't feel I will be truly free and happy till we have a baby. You would think that after a month I would have a better perspective or something.. but it would seem like that's not the case. I'm a nurse I have been taught to fix alot of things, but how do you fix your heart when its broken and hope feels lost? I have no answers. As much as I believe that God can change things I still struggle to trust that things are gonna be ok. I wish that there was anyone out in the world that could hug me and tell me that its gonna be ok and that when they say it, it would be more then just words but that it would be true.