Remember this...

I posted this picture to remind myself of a simpler time.. this was taken at a Christmas party a year ago. Things were so different then.. Barry and I had only been married 3 months, we were focused on just "us" and having fun. It seemed like a simple time, and it was fun, I feel like it was just such a neat time. I say this to any newlyweds enjoy this time cause you never know when things will come your way that challenge you. So when they do you can look back and smile and realize that you have the good times to hold you up during the not so good ones.

Keeping myself sane and together is day to day minute to minute battle. I don't expect that people reading this will understand me totally, we all have different issues and struggles to deal with.. but for me it is a battle. I feel like I wake up each day and while I aim for the positive and I work to stay there, the times come when I just feel weak and I cant keep my head above the water. So I struggle and worry and fight. The only good thing is that I eventually surface from what feels like near drowning and I manage to carry on.

So looking at this goofy picture of Barry and I what do I hope for the future? I hope that we can learn to play again, to have fun and not feel like theres a weight of sad somewhere in the back ground. I want to laugh and mean it fully, a belly laugh where at the end you just feel good. I laugh but often at the end I'm have a feeling in my gut that reminds me of where I am. I want to not have silence, sometimes I'm silent (that's so not like me which I'm sure most of you know). I can sit in silence for long periods of time just lost in my thoughts, thoughts that take me back to Dec 31st I relive the day in my mind with great intensity. I recall each action and feeling of the day and I relive it. I want my belief system to be easy, I want to just believe without the mental struggle to tell myself that I believe its going to be OK, I want to just know its OK and rest in that peace.

People may laugh at this but I have a mini lab in my house, I long for a day where I don't have an alarm set for 7am to take a temperature write it down, and later chart it on a computer program that will analyze my every female function. I have pee sticks for hormones, I have pees sticks for pregnancy, and if I were honest I would admit that I want the newest saliva tests for ovulation. I want to know how people do it.. how do people accidentally get pregnant? How is that humanly possible? There are like 3 days a month that its possible, I want to know how they do it. I wish I could take the advice that people often give people in my boat the "just relax and it will happen advice". I have so many books, and resources and tests and things to aid in this process that it pretty much sucks the life out of the "fun" of it. Poor Barry!

Lastly I want to go back to being naive to being just a girl who knows nothing about having babies accept that you should have sex to make one. Instead I'm stuck in my brain who chose to go into obstetrics and thus I know to much of what can go wrong and did go wrong for us.... So I look at my picture and I smile and I even when my heart feels heavy I tell myself that there will be pictures like that again, and that the future is bright even if my hearts not in it, perhaps my head and my heart will meet one day and decide to agree, that would be great.