Progress and all that stuff....

So I have not written as much in the last couple days, I guess I just did not have that much to say. I think that over the course of the last month or so I have said it all (and then some). I have spent some time in quiet reflection with my thoughts in the last few days instead of blogging. That has been good for me also, to just be still and think.

Sometimes its hard to see progress in this situation but I think it is happening. I go about my day and do the things that need to be done and I can do it now without feeling so overwhelmed. I still find that when I'm out and about or with people we will be laughing about something or doing something and in its there in the back of my mind. Something will trigger the thought. Its like when you have a really good dream and you wake up to realize its not real, that's how I sometimes feel like I forget that there is no Abby, and that this spring will come and go and I wont be a mom. That's when I get this pit feeling in my stomach and there is disappointment in my heart. Instead of an overwhelming not being able to function feeling its a quiet sore spot in my heart that seems to always be there. I long for the day when I can look at the situation differently, when I can look back and truly say how lucky I was to have had her even for a short time. A friend of mine who has been through a similar situation said that looking back if she had the baby she lost she would not have the ones that she has now, and that she cant imagine her life without them. I guess that just goes to show that no one knows what plans God has, it could be more joyous then I even know, So I pray for and hope for good things in my life and the lives of those around me.

We leave for our trip in 4 days! I cant wait to get out of this awful cold weather, its just to cold here people! Anyway I'm looking forward to a little relaxation for my very favorite husband! We have our books picked out, and are ready to find a nice sunny beach chair and park ourselves there for a week of bliss!! Its gonna be a wonderful chance for us to defuse after the last couple months and I'm looking forward to it.

Tomorrow is the big day that I have been waiting for, I go to see my doctor and hopefully the tests will be back and maybe just maybe there will be an answer, something to give me closure. However if there are no answers and everything was normal then I will take that as a sign that it wont happen again. Either way you slice it I have waited a month for this and I'm really hoping it will be beneficial.

So progress.... yes its slow and if I had my way I would move through this time and be on the other side, but that's not how it works. So instead I will see today for what it is a gift, it is one more day that I can learn to smile again and have the hope that life has good things for me. I cant say that I don't have hurts still but I think there is progress and for that I have to be thankful.