Just for the Record...

OK I know that everyone has heard about this in the news to death.. but just for the record, Britney Spears is crazy (poor girl)! In fact shes so crazy that shes making K-Fed look pretty awesome! Who saw that one coming, that K-Fed would come out of this smelling like a rose.
I really need to give up celebrity gossip its rotting my brain like candy. That is all.

Let That be Enough

I had downloaded a bunch of music before we went on our trip, just a mix of stuff to relax to. I had never heard this song before but recognized the artist (switchfoot) and thought I would just give it a whirl. So I was listening to it today, and the words really spoke to me. They are very hopeful and it seemed that they were right there right when I needed them. I think the song is beautiful and I wanted to share it. It starts with a person who is unsure and then finds hope. The video version I found is just one someone made.. anyway I just thought the song was so inspiring and soothing that I thought maybe my readers might like a little encouragement- so I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

The pictures continue...

The Resort at Sunrise, it was so beautiful!

My hot husband trying to look cool by the fountain

Trying to get some colour

Omar!! The most fun amazing tour guide ever!

Dominican Country Side, we went up into those mountains to go to a coffee plantation.

More Pics....

Me in the court yard at night. Good coffee found here.

Barry and I on an outback tour, its very hot and I think that those are banana trees behind us.

We stopped at this beach on the outback day, it was the most amazing beach I have ever seen.

A litte sand tribute to our daughter.....

Who is that cute guy Im with?? I must have picked him up down there.. sweet!

Back From the Sunshine!

Hi Everyone,

We are back from a wonderful vacation! It seems to go too fast and there is far too much snow here! Anyway we have great stories and many pictures. Here are just a few to give you a taste:


Barry and I outside the resort

Getting ready for some Punta Cana night life.. that means sitting in the lobby watching Europeans and trying to figure out what they are saying!!

Best Beaches ever!!!

Barry and I on Valentines Day, was very romantic.

Barry looks good in hats, but Im not sure that he could pull this off as an everyday look. What do you think!!

See ya all in a week!

I hope that everyone has a great week! Barry and I are hoping to have a nice vacation and spend some time together! Not much to write this morning as Im just getting ready to leave for Toronto.

Anyway by tomorrow at this time I will be on a beach chair in the sun, I'll be sure to think of you all and bring you home some sunshine! Take care see ya in a week.... oh if I get a chance I will buy some internet minutes and give a blog update so peek back and see!

Punta Cana Here we come!!

The count down is on! We leave for Punta Cana in T-Minus 29 hours!! I'm getting excited to sit in some sunshine. I think that getting away will be really good for Barry and I, give us a chance to just relax and reconnect after this last stressful couple of months.

I went this morning to my body pump class, and I noticed that after three weeks of don't the class I'm getting much stronger and better able to do the exercises. I kind of relate this to the rest of me, I'm getting much stronger emotionally then I was in January. Yes I still have my times were I feel bad... but I am managing to get through it. I have hope, I know that there is a bright future for Barry and I. I also believe that we will have a family in time. So I'm gonna continue to focus on the good things and plan for the future. I also believe that God is good and has helped me through this time. For that and all the support that I have around me from our dear friends I'm very grateful. Well I'm off to buy some sunscreen so that I don't burn like a lobster!!!!

Im normal... hard to believe eh!

Today was the big doctors appointment! I went in with alot of worry (while trying to be optimistic!). Anyway all the blood work they did came back normal! Yup that's right folks you heard it here first I'm normal (at least medically!!!).

I am relieved to hear that there is nothing wrong with me, but of course there is still the unanswered questions the big "why". The autopsy report is not back! I have been told that it can take up to year to get those results! I don't know why but that's what I'm hearing!!! So I wont hold my breath on that one... I guess I just have to trust that things happen for a reason and go from here.

Anyway Barry and I leave for Punta Cana in a few days, when I told my doc where I was going she said that I should get this malaria medication cause apparently they have alot of trouble with that down there. So I'm stocked up with the pills, no strange tropical diseases for me!!!

So as hard as it is to move forward I do feel like each day there is progress mixed with set backs. Well not really set backs just reminders... like Karla Homolca (cant spell it sorry) front page of the sun paper announcing that she had a baby boy.. can we ask ourselves why this women would be granted a child? I guess its not for me to judge but it certainly makes little sense in my mind. Anyway as people have said time heals all wounds, to be honest with you and not to sound all deep and spiritual (cause I'm far from it) I believe that its more like God heals all wounds, mixed with some time. For every day that I can feel a bit better I am thankful to God and my family and friends that support me. Anyway I'm off to bed to dream of the beach that I will sit on next week. I'm gonna sleep a grateful sleep for the good news that I'm normal! It only took 30 years to figure that out ha ha!

Why I dont hate Marcia Cross and other Super Market Revelations...

Its amazing the things that can come to you when your standing in the check out isle at the grocery store... or its amazing how you can see yourself changing. I'm standing in the line as I always do looking at all the star mags and amusing myself while I wait.

Then there it is the magazine I have avoided for a month.. the Good House Keeping with Marcia Cross on the cover. See I have been hating her for a while now.. when I found out I was pregnant I was delighted to think that my favorite desperate house wife and I would have kids that share the same birth month. Then everything went sour and I started resenting her ( i know you would think shes a personal friend or something) Maybe not resenting her but resenting what she still had and I did not. So I would avoid the magazines that showed her glowing and stroking her ever growing belly, a painful reminder for me.

For some reason today I did something that I had not done, instead of looking at the cover and feeling upset I picked it up and turned to the page about her story. As I started to read her story I realized how much I did not know.. Marcia Cross had come to a point in her life where she was alone 40 and no good men in her life. She was about to consider adopting a child as she had felt her opportunity had passed her by. Then she met her husband and like a fairy tale it all came together and shes having her wonderful twins. In that line up I realized something, she had her own painful journey, I'm sure that there were days that she felt despair and sadness over being alone and childless at 40. So instead of resenting her I decided to celebrate for her, cause she on the home stretch and her story can give me hope that I too will have the fairy tale ending. Its more then hoping it will happen, its believing that God has a good and perfect plan for Barry and I.

So Marcia, even though our kids wont share a birthday, I know that your story is hope for me and its good that we can live in a world where the good things still happen in amidst the bad. Next time I see you smiling at me from the over of a magazine I will smile back because I know that Faith, hope and love are alive and well in this world, and as I'm finding they are coming to life again in me.

Progress and all that stuff....

So I have not written as much in the last couple days, I guess I just did not have that much to say. I think that over the course of the last month or so I have said it all (and then some). I have spent some time in quiet reflection with my thoughts in the last few days instead of blogging. That has been good for me also, to just be still and think.

Sometimes its hard to see progress in this situation but I think it is happening. I go about my day and do the things that need to be done and I can do it now without feeling so overwhelmed. I still find that when I'm out and about or with people we will be laughing about something or doing something and in its there in the back of my mind. Something will trigger the thought. Its like when you have a really good dream and you wake up to realize its not real, that's how I sometimes feel like I forget that there is no Abby, and that this spring will come and go and I wont be a mom. That's when I get this pit feeling in my stomach and there is disappointment in my heart. Instead of an overwhelming not being able to function feeling its a quiet sore spot in my heart that seems to always be there. I long for the day when I can look at the situation differently, when I can look back and truly say how lucky I was to have had her even for a short time. A friend of mine who has been through a similar situation said that looking back if she had the baby she lost she would not have the ones that she has now, and that she cant imagine her life without them. I guess that just goes to show that no one knows what plans God has, it could be more joyous then I even know, So I pray for and hope for good things in my life and the lives of those around me.

We leave for our trip in 4 days! I cant wait to get out of this awful cold weather, its just to cold here people! Anyway I'm looking forward to a little relaxation for my very favorite husband! We have our books picked out, and are ready to find a nice sunny beach chair and park ourselves there for a week of bliss!! Its gonna be a wonderful chance for us to defuse after the last couple months and I'm looking forward to it.

Tomorrow is the big day that I have been waiting for, I go to see my doctor and hopefully the tests will be back and maybe just maybe there will be an answer, something to give me closure. However if there are no answers and everything was normal then I will take that as a sign that it wont happen again. Either way you slice it I have waited a month for this and I'm really hoping it will be beneficial.

So progress.... yes its slow and if I had my way I would move through this time and be on the other side, but that's not how it works. So instead I will see today for what it is a gift, it is one more day that I can learn to smile again and have the hope that life has good things for me. I cant say that I don't have hurts still but I think there is progress and for that I have to be thankful.

A Video Tribute...

...to Debbie Downer!

Barry filmed this little clip while we were in Niagara Falls for our 1st Anniversary. This goes out to my hero, and mentor, Debbie. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Enjoy!

My Side of the Story....

OK, so you have all seen it right? The pop culture king AKA Barry the husband has decided to humiliate me on the web... He has taken a video clip of me from the summer and made it the staring debut on his blog. However let me speak in my defense to this. This summer I being pregnant at the time surrounded by my dear drinking friends ... what am I to do for entertainment? I decided to video the event. However my friends were not proving to be very entertaining that night so I decided to take matters into my own hands and make a musical delight. So if I look retarded its only because those around me AKA the husband were even more ridiculous at the time so I had to shake it up a bit. Anyway that's my side of the story.. I leave this one warning to my dear partner- anymore videos of me will be met with counter measures, cause my dear I have enough dirt on you to fill a sand box ha ha! Feel free to link over from my blog to the pop culture king and speak in my defense!!

Coming out of the Fog

Today at church the pastor gave an illustration about a women who was trying to swim across the ocean, she swam and swam for 15 hours in a fog covered ocean, until her body was so tired that she just did not think she could go on. The boat beside her, her mother kept encouraging her and telling her to go just a little further. She finally had to say she needed to get back in the boat because she could not see past the fog and just was too tried. A couple minutes passed and the boat came through the fog and she realized that right in front of them was land. She was later interviewed and said that had she known that she was so close to shore, so close to finishing the race she would have found the strength to go on.

I really felt inspired by this story, there are days as I'm sure we all have that you feel like you cant go on, that its just to hard and your too weak to make it to the end. I have been feeling like that alot lately, but the more I press on and also put faith in God the more I believe that I'm at the edge of that fog patch and that at any minute I'm gonna break through and see the shore and have made it to the end of this particular journey at this time in my life. So I don't give up and I have hope that even though there are days (and believe me there are days) that I cant see the shore and I don't know how I'm gonna get through my fog, that I'm almost to the shore and I just have to trust and go a little further.

The other thing that was said today that really hit home for me was that in the bible it talks about going through the valley (being trials and troubles) no where does it say that we will stay in the valley, but rather that we will walk through it. So I'm walking through it and I'm praying that Ill be a better person on the other side. I think that's why life sometimes sends us a curve ball, so that when we get through we can be stronger and maybe help someone else. Anyway not to sound all know it all (cause I'm so don't know anything most days) but I just wanted to share with my readers that my heart is healing, its slow. There are ups and downs, moments of triumph and of sadness, I know that there is a shore line waiting for me at the end of this patch of fog in my life.

I love my Barry

I just thought I would take a minute to acknowledge my husband. Barry is not only the best husband you could have on any day of the year but hes been my rock through all this stuff we are dealing with. I just wanted everyone to know that hes great! I'm trying to focus on some positive things in my life and not let myself worry about the things that are now out of my control. I'm looking forward to a wonderful week with Barry in the sunshine on Feb 11th. This pic is from last year when we went to Cuba. Anyway that's it just a shout out to my Barry, love you honey!

Stand

I was on the treadmill at the gym and this song came on my I pod. I found it kind explains where I'm at.. Its a good song.

I feel like a fake..

Just a small disclaimer: I know that my blogs are not funny or entertaining right now, for that I wont apologize. I has been brought to my attention that some people may have stopped reading due to the open nature of my blogging. I just want everyone to know that I'm OK with that. I write for me and me alone. If people want to share in my life journey that's fine, and if you prefer to just read the funny stuff that's fine too. Either way I just thought I would acknowledge that I know what I sound like, and for me this is what I am right now, so read or don't read I wont take offense.

Ever feel like a fake? I do, I feel like everything I do is fake, I smile and its a fake, I make pleasant conversation and its a fake, I go about doing things and it all seems fake. Let me be clear it feels fake not insincere, I do really care about people and the world around me, I just feel like my attempts to be part of the world are met half hearted.. if that makes any sense at all.

Is it petty and stupid that today I saw Marcia Cross on the cover of a magazine and thought to myself shes like 44 years old and look at her, shes due the same month as I was and she is gonna have healthy twins... how is that fair? I know that I don't know how she got there or what she went though to have her babies, perhaps she struggle years before hand.. who knows. It still seems unfair.

I'm sick of myself, I have to say that even though I'm going on vacation I wish that the one thing I did not have to bring with me is me. I must have great friends around me cause if I'm sick of myself then I can only imagine how they must feel dealing with me. Half the time I don't know which pole is prevailing the north or the south! People give me great advice they say be positive, put your energy that way.. and its great advice and so very true.. but also so hard I have to work so hard to keep feeling positive. Then the minute I let my guard down I'm slumped over feeling like dirt. I had a good day today.. there was nothing wrong with today, why then do I just feel so awful? There is no reason for it.

I have this website that I am part of its a fertility website and its got a section for people who have had losses to post and share things. Its pretty good, accept that when I go there and I see how many people are in my boat and how they are all struggling with the same issues.. and how they have been struggling for years with infertility and trying, well lets just say its very discouraging. I feel like the road ahead while full of positive things around me, its not so positive when it comes to trying to have a baby.

Part of me so desperately would give up anything in life to have a baby, I would go to any lengths, spare no expensive.... then there is part of me, the part that is fragile and sad that thinks I cant do it. I have not got the strength to do this again, to go through the whole process and even if you do get pregnant again there are certainly no guarantees that its gonna work out. I think maybe we should just adopt, maybe we should have a surrogate, or maybe we should just be happy as we are and go on with our lives forgetting about kids. As much as I tell myself that last thing I know that its not gonna happen, no matter what happens I cant lie to myself ... I don't feel I will be truly free and happy till we have a baby. You would think that after a month I would have a better perspective or something.. but it would seem like that's not the case. I'm a nurse I have been taught to fix alot of things, but how do you fix your heart when its broken and hope feels lost? I have no answers. As much as I believe that God can change things I still struggle to trust that things are gonna be ok. I wish that there was anyone out in the world that could hug me and tell me that its gonna be ok and that when they say it, it would be more then just words but that it would be true.