Inside Cherie's Head

My Year Best Summed up in Song

2007-12-31T15:10:00.000-05:00

Wow 2 blogs in one day! Its a miracle! Last Year I heard a song by this singer that was about reaching out in a time of loss and trying to hang on.. I found another song and I think it really describes my year, I have learned alot about myself this past year. My strengths, weaknesses, where I fall short God picks me up and I come out of 2007 with a love for people, myself and God. There is no doubt that I have seen huge personal growth this year and I am excited to see what 2008 brings for all those that I love. Happy New Year everyone! Enjoy the song, maybe it will inspire you as much as has done for me!

Abby December 31, 2006

2007-12-31T07:31:00.000-05:00

It's been 1 year today that Abby grew wings and as i sit here in the quiet of the morning reflecting on all that has changed in the last year my heart and mind are overwhelmed by the significance of Abby's short life. It was a life that no one but me ever felt or saw, it was a life that was lived out in my mind from birth to what I dreamed for her.. even though it is a life that never had a breath here it is one that has deeply changed me forever for the better.

I was reading this morning and this verse stood out to me: " He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they can not fathom what God has done from beginning to end" Ecclesiastes 3:11

I read these words and it their truth came alive in me God has taken me from the sadness of loss and a year later has made it beautiful for me, at the time there was nothing good that could have come from her loss but now I see clearly what I could not see then. My life is in God's hand and that trust that I have in him came from this event in my life. Abby is well taken care of in God's hand and I have no fear or doubt that she is fine. A friend said something to me once that at the time I did not believe or understand but now I hold dearly: there will come a time at the end of my life whenever that may be that when I get to heaven I will be standing there and the Lord will take me by the hand and tell me that he has someone for me to meet, then he will introduce me to my daughter in a way that I did not get to know her here. That is something that not every person will have the honour of doing. So I live my life with joy and excitement because God has blessed me with a new life that will be full filled here and I find joy in knowing that my Abby is cared for by the best hands possible- God my father.

So today New Years Eve 2007 I reflect back and I thank God that he took away my despair and gave my heart a new song and I know that I have only seen the beginning of what he will do in my life. Thank you God for my year it has changed me for the better. Thank you for Abby, that I carry her every day in my heart, and for my son that grows and kicks right now ... in the words of old I am truly blessed among women.

My new Fur baby

2007-07-09T19:10:00.000-04:00

Here is the newest member of the Bates household!! How cute is he!

Ok I know I am a blogging disaster! I have not written in so long! Life is busy we are getting ready to move and lots of stuff going on. I promise to sit down and write a good one for whatever fans I have left soon. In the mean time enjoy my little Scrappy Doo! He will be cute until he turns into a cat! ha ha!

Last Summer memories

2007-05-20T21:59:00.000-04:00

Thanks to the joys of face book, I saw that Amy had a few pics of last summer's cottage party. It made me smile to think back to sitting in that hot tub.. for hours might I add! I miss my MSH girls... perhaps its time I get back to the hospital.. I need to do some soul searching about that. Anyway here are a few memories to get us all ready for the sunny days ahead!

Abby's day was beautiful!

2007-04-21T23:44:00.000-04:00

As Barry so rightly said, today might have been Abby's birthday. We had a nice sunny day and I cant help but think that our angel sent us a sunny day. God has been so good to us in the last few months. Things have been hard but I have this amazing deep hope that there is so much more for us around the corner.

Abby was only known to us, not the rest of the world and for only a short time.. but the impact that it has left on us is everlasting. I thank God for the opportunity to love her even though I never met her.

One of the first shots of me as I started to realize that my clothes did not fit anymore.

" Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart"

- Jeremiah 1:5-

There is a story in the bible that I have been reading about, if your not familiar with Abraham I encourage you to read it as its totally a powerful story of faith and trust. Abraham was promised by God to have a great nation come from his line, He had many many reasons to believe that it would never happen.... but yet he never gave up:

"Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him. "so shall your offspring be" without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead- since he was about 100 years old- and that Sarah's womb was also dead. Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised" Romans 4:18-21

I find this an amazing statement of faith. If Abraham can give thanks to God and trust in him despite what appeared to be the most difficult circumstances .. then so will I. I thank God for bringing me to this place.

Happy Easter!

2007-04-08T14:14:00.000-04:00

This is a powerful video of what Easter really means! (and chcocolate its pretty yummy also!) Happy Easter to all!

Indescribable

2007-03-27T18:49:00.000-04:00

This is an amazing song! It has totally uplifted me in the last few days. I hope you enjoy it.

Im ok

2007-03-26T22:26:00.000-04:00

I have this tendency to be very hard on myself. If any one in my life directly will tell you its been quite a process and continues to be. I have good times and not so good times (just like anyone else I suppose). I often think that I need to be perfect, but I realize that is not possible as a human being who makes mistakes. God is perfect and I chose to put trust in him to see me through the good bad and ugly. I found this quote that I think describes perfectly where I am:

"I'm not where I need to be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be. I'm okay, and I'm on my way."

The effects of Face book on Blogging!

2007-03-19T17:41:00.000-04:00

My poor blog, beloved blog... what has happened? I have been so neglectful of my blog... all because of the newest craze on the net.. face book. If you dont know what face book is you live under a rock! Seriously its killing blogging as we know it. The endless searches for people we knew from like years ago, the posts, writing on peoples walls.... its an addiction for sure. I have limited my use of face book because I am trying to channel myself away from anything that seems to cause me to waste my time in large quantities.

Anyway I felt that I needed to write a blog cause I have been told that my blogging is going down hill. So let me tell you a small tidbit for the day:

I was at the gym this past weekend and I was waiting for a friend of mine to come to the body pump class that we go to. I had set up her stuff so that if she was late she could just hop in and start. Seeing as she did not make it to the gym I was left with her stuff set up and unused. This guy came into the class late and I said to him hey you can use this set up if you want. No big deal right? Wrong!!! It is a huge deal that this particular fellow did not feel it necessary to use any deodorant before attending this class. So I was the unfortunate victim of his manly work out smell (gross!!!) So I have learned a lesson : beware the smelly gym guy as he could be working out right next to you!!

That is my tid bit of blogging for today! Other then that life is getting better and better. I have found a new strength in my faith and God.. many may not understand this but trust me God has been and continues to be very good to me! I have alot to be thankful for and so much to look forward to in the future. I hope and pray that I can share my blessings with those in my life.

Dont forget to put your clocks forward

2007-03-10T23:13:00.000-05:00

I'm losing an hour of sleep!! I am a night hawk, always have been.. always will be. That in turn means I'm so not a morning person. So when the evening comes I come alive and end up staying up too late, thus perpetuating the non morning person cycle. So now that we have to put our clocks ahead I am forced to lose another precious hour of sleep.

Today it rained, which means that spring is coming... I enjoy spring because it brings me that much closer to summer. I wont go into a long dramatic story of how spring brings everything alive etc etc I'm sure we can all figure that out ( Ill live the rest to the poets). For me spring was supposed to be alot of things.. and for right now its not any of those things. I accept where I am, and believe strongly in my heart that where I am is just a part of a journey that I must take. Someday I know that I will write a blog that will reflect back on the months past and realize that God knows more then I do and the whole time was holding me in his hand while I walked through this valley. Today I'm grateful to be sane.. there have been days that it has been hard to put one foot in front of the other, and to be able to just get out of bed and face the world. I have come along way from that place. I'm now back at work and things are going OK.. I'm not feeling extremely passionate about it.. but things will return to balance in time.

People may not look at me and think that much has changed in my life, but I can tell you that my heart is a completely different place then it was 2 months ago. Its amazing how certain life experiences can take you through dark places and bring you out the other side richer. I wish I could skip the spring, because its a season that I want to forget this year.. but I cant do that I have to do just as I have done all along I have to walk through each day- or as my mom would have said "take one day at a time". Time stands still when you want it to go fast, and time goes fast when you wish it could go slow. That is a universal truth I have come to see, but no matter how fast or slow time does march on and with it things get better. I wanted to have my first mothers day this year with a new baby, and while that wont happen this year, I believe that God has a special plan and that in his perfect time I will get that wish. Until then I will continue to put one foot in front of the other and step forward in faith.

Happy Monday everyone!!

2007-03-05T10:57:00.000-05:00

Happy monday everyone I just wanted to say a quick hi and let you all know Im still alive. Im starting back to work full time next week so that will be good, its time I need to get on with life. Im thankful that I can go back to work cause with us owing for income tax this year I need to ha ha!

Have a great day to all my readers

God is good all the time... All the time God is good!

My thoughts on being back to work..

2007-03-01T22:52:00.000-05:00

So I'm sure that many of you are curious about my back to work experience. I have been asked by many how things are going. They are going fine, somethings never change.. nurses still do the crazy things that nurses do, people are still OCD about the same things, shifts, what nurses they have, etc. The people I work with are of course wonderful.. and without them i don't think work would be half as good or enjoyable.

However having said that I will give you an analogy for what I feel about being back to work at this time in my life: its like going to the dentist... you have to go to the dentist, its good for you, its needed.. but its can also be painful and often you are relieved when its over. That is how I feel right now.. Its not that I don't want to work or that I cant work.. its just that still somewhere inside of me my heart is else where. I long for the days where I'm more myself. I have not really been blogging lately mainly cause theres not much to say.. I think I'm telling more of my feelings to God and praying. Trying to build up some faith and to find some inner strength. So its a process its been 2 months now, all the changes that have happened for me I could not have imagined and would take too long to write.. but if you ever really want to know ask and Ill tell you, cause its not all bad I have discovered some amazing things in this time that I'm now considering a journey.

Anyway work may not be a day at the beach.. but its not the end of the world either.. I'm sure somewhere in there I will find my groove again. Until then open wide the dentist will see you now..

Blasts from the past

2007-03-01T22:48:00.000-05:00

I have a new addiction, its called facebook. Im sure many of you have joined this strange club where you write on people's walls. Anyway as part of the experience you can become part of a group.. what to my delight do I find? My old camp has a group!! So here are a couple of photos, ah the good old days! I cant tell you why we are lying on the floor, Im assuming some sort of game. Camp was so much more fun then the real world.. where are the camps for adults???

You will notice the large walkie talkie that I carrry, its very stylish! I still have that hat by the way buttons and all!!

Just for the Record...

2007-02-24T15:15:00.000-05:00

OK I know that everyone has heard about this in the news to death.. but just for the record, Britney Spears is crazy (poor girl)! In fact shes so crazy that shes making K-Fed look pretty awesome! Who saw that one coming, that K-Fed would come out of this smelling like a rose.
I really need to give up celebrity gossip its rotting my brain like candy. That is all.

Let That be Enough

2007-02-21T15:14:00.000-05:00

I had downloaded a bunch of music before we went on our trip, just a mix of stuff to relax to. I had never heard this song before but recognized the artist (switchfoot) and thought I would just give it a whirl. So I was listening to it today, and the words really spoke to me. They are very hopeful and it seemed that they were right there right when I needed them. I think the song is beautiful and I wanted to share it. It starts with a person who is unsure and then finds hope. The video version I found is just one someone made.. anyway I just thought the song was so inspiring and soothing that I thought maybe my readers might like a little encouragement- so I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

The pictures continue...

2007-02-19T19:55:00.000-05:00

The Resort at Sunrise, it was so beautiful!

My hot husband trying to look cool by the fountain

Trying to get some colour

Omar!! The most fun amazing tour guide ever!

Dominican Country Side, we went up into those mountains to go to a coffee plantation.

More Pics....

2007-02-19T19:47:00.000-05:00

Me in the court yard at night. Good coffee found here.

Barry and I on an outback tour, its very hot and I think that those are banana trees behind us.

We stopped at this beach on the outback day, it was the most amazing beach I have ever seen.

A litte sand tribute to our daughter.....

Who is that cute guy Im with?? I must have picked him up down there.. sweet!

Back From the Sunshine!

2007-02-19T19:30:00.000-05:00

Hi Everyone,

We are back from a wonderful vacation! It seems to go too fast and there is far too much snow here! Anyway we have great stories and many pictures. Here are just a few to give you a taste:

Barry and I outside the resort

Getting ready for some Punta Cana night life.. that means sitting in the lobby watching Europeans and trying to figure out what they are saying!!

Best Beaches ever!!!

Barry and I on Valentines Day, was very romantic.

Barry looks good in hats, but Im not sure that he could pull this off as an everyday look. What do you think!!

See ya all in a week!

2007-02-11T09:29:00.000-05:00

I hope that everyone has a great week! Barry and I are hoping to have a nice vacation and spend some time together! Not much to write this morning as Im just getting ready to leave for Toronto.

Anyway by tomorrow at this time I will be on a beach chair in the sun, I'll be sure to think of you all and bring you home some sunshine! Take care see ya in a week.... oh if I get a chance I will buy some internet minutes and give a blog update so peek back and see!

Punta Cana Here we come!!

2007-02-10T10:49:00.000-05:00

The count down is on! We leave for Punta Cana in T-Minus 29 hours!! I'm getting excited to sit in some sunshine. I think that getting away will be really good for Barry and I, give us a chance to just relax and reconnect after this last stressful couple of months.

I went this morning to my body pump class, and I noticed that after three weeks of don't the class I'm getting much stronger and better able to do the exercises. I kind of relate this to the rest of me, I'm getting much stronger emotionally then I was in January. Yes I still have my times were I feel bad... but I am managing to get through it. I have hope, I know that there is a bright future for Barry and I. I also believe that we will have a family in time. So I'm gonna continue to focus on the good things and plan for the future. I also believe that God is good and has helped me through this time. For that and all the support that I have around me from our dear friends I'm very grateful. Well I'm off to buy some sunscreen so that I don't burn like a lobster!!!!

Im normal... hard to believe eh!

2007-02-08T23:55:00.000-05:00

Today was the big doctors appointment! I went in with alot of worry (while trying to be optimistic!). Anyway all the blood work they did came back normal! Yup that's right folks you heard it here first I'm normal (at least medically!!!).

I am relieved to hear that there is nothing wrong with me, but of course there is still the unanswered questions the big "why". The autopsy report is not back! I have been told that it can take up to year to get those results! I don't know why but that's what I'm hearing!!! So I wont hold my breath on that one... I guess I just have to trust that things happen for a reason and go from here.

Anyway Barry and I leave for Punta Cana in a few days, when I told my doc where I was going she said that I should get this malaria medication cause apparently they have alot of trouble with that down there. So I'm stocked up with the pills, no strange tropical diseases for me!!!

So as hard as it is to move forward I do feel like each day there is progress mixed with set backs. Well not really set backs just reminders... like Karla Homolca (cant spell it sorry) front page of the sun paper announcing that she had a baby boy.. can we ask ourselves why this women would be granted a child? I guess its not for me to judge but it certainly makes little sense in my mind. Anyway as people have said time heals all wounds, to be honest with you and not to sound all deep and spiritual (cause I'm far from it) I believe that its more like God heals all wounds, mixed with some time. For every day that I can feel a bit better I am thankful to God and my family and friends that support me. Anyway I'm off to bed to dream of the beach that I will sit on next week. I'm gonna sleep a grateful sleep for the good news that I'm normal! It only took 30 years to figure that out ha ha!

Why I dont hate Marcia Cross and other Super Market Revelations...

2007-02-07T18:08:00.000-05:00

Its amazing the things that can come to you when your standing in the check out isle at the grocery store... or its amazing how you can see yourself changing. I'm standing in the line as I always do looking at all the star mags and amusing myself while I wait.

Then there it is the magazine I have avoided for a month.. the Good House Keeping with Marcia Cross on the cover. See I have been hating her for a while now.. when I found out I was pregnant I was delighted to think that my favorite desperate house wife and I would have kids that share the same birth month. Then everything went sour and I started resenting her ( i know you would think shes a personal friend or something) Maybe not resenting her but resenting what she still had and I did not. So I would avoid the magazines that showed her glowing and stroking her ever growing belly, a painful reminder for me.

For some reason today I did something that I had not done, instead of looking at the cover and feeling upset I picked it up and turned to the page about her story. As I started to read her story I realized how much I did not know.. Marcia Cross had come to a point in her life where she was alone 40 and no good men in her life. She was about to consider adopting a child as she had felt her opportunity had passed her by. Then she met her husband and like a fairy tale it all came together and shes having her wonderful twins. In that line up I realized something, she had her own painful journey, I'm sure that there were days that she felt despair and sadness over being alone and childless at 40. So instead of resenting her I decided to celebrate for her, cause she on the home stretch and her story can give me hope that I too will have the fairy tale ending. Its more then hoping it will happen, its believing that God has a good and perfect plan for Barry and I.

So Marcia, even though our kids wont share a birthday, I know that your story is hope for me and its good that we can live in a world where the good things still happen in amidst the bad. Next time I see you smiling at me from the over of a magazine I will smile back because I know that Faith, hope and love are alive and well in this world, and as I'm finding they are coming to life again in me.

Progress and all that stuff....

2007-02-07T09:30:00.000-05:00

So I have not written as much in the last couple days, I guess I just did not have that much to say. I think that over the course of the last month or so I have said it all (and then some). I have spent some time in quiet reflection with my thoughts in the last few days instead of blogging. That has been good for me also, to just be still and think.

Sometimes its hard to see progress in this situation but I think it is happening. I go about my day and do the things that need to be done and I can do it now without feeling so overwhelmed. I still find that when I'm out and about or with people we will be laughing about something or doing something and in its there in the back of my mind. Something will trigger the thought. Its like when you have a really good dream and you wake up to realize its not real, that's how I sometimes feel like I forget that there is no Abby, and that this spring will come and go and I wont be a mom. That's when I get this pit feeling in my stomach and there is disappointment in my heart. Instead of an overwhelming not being able to function feeling its a quiet sore spot in my heart that seems to always be there. I long for the day when I can look at the situation differently, when I can look back and truly say how lucky I was to have had her even for a short time. A friend of mine who has been through a similar situation said that looking back if she had the baby she lost she would not have the ones that she has now, and that she cant imagine her life without them. I guess that just goes to show that no one knows what plans God has, it could be more joyous then I even know, So I pray for and hope for good things in my life and the lives of those around me.

We leave for our trip in 4 days! I cant wait to get out of this awful cold weather, its just to cold here people! Anyway I'm looking forward to a little relaxation for my very favorite husband! We have our books picked out, and are ready to find a nice sunny beach chair and park ourselves there for a week of bliss!! Its gonna be a wonderful chance for us to defuse after the last couple months and I'm looking forward to it.

Tomorrow is the big day that I have been waiting for, I go to see my doctor and hopefully the tests will be back and maybe just maybe there will be an answer, something to give me closure. However if there are no answers and everything was normal then I will take that as a sign that it wont happen again. Either way you slice it I have waited a month for this and I'm really hoping it will be beneficial.

So progress.... yes its slow and if I had my way I would move through this time and be on the other side, but that's not how it works. So instead I will see today for what it is a gift, it is one more day that I can learn to smile again and have the hope that life has good things for me. I cant say that I don't have hurts still but I think there is progress and for that I have to be thankful.

A Video Tribute...

2007-02-05T18:28:00.001-05:00

...to Debbie Downer!

Barry filmed this little clip while we were in Niagara Falls for our 1st Anniversary. This goes out to my hero, and mentor, Debbie. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Enjoy!

My Side of the Story....

2007-02-05T00:02:00.000-05:00

OK, so you have all seen it right? The pop culture king AKA Barry the husband has decided to humiliate me on the web... He has taken a video clip of me from the summer and made it the staring debut on his blog. However let me speak in my defense to this. This summer I being pregnant at the time surrounded by my dear drinking friends ... what am I to do for entertainment? I decided to video the event. However my friends were not proving to be very entertaining that night so I decided to take matters into my own hands and make a musical delight. So if I look retarded its only because those around me AKA the husband were even more ridiculous at the time so I had to shake it up a bit. Anyway that's my side of the story.. I leave this one warning to my dear partner- anymore videos of me will be met with counter measures, cause my dear I have enough dirt on you to fill a sand box ha ha! Feel free to link over from my blog to the pop culture king and speak in my defense!!

Coming out of the Fog

2007-02-04T15:10:00.000-05:00

Today at church the pastor gave an illustration about a women who was trying to swim across the ocean, she swam and swam for 15 hours in a fog covered ocean, until her body was so tired that she just did not think she could go on. The boat beside her, her mother kept encouraging her and telling her to go just a little further. She finally had to say she needed to get back in the boat because she could not see past the fog and just was too tried. A couple minutes passed and the boat came through the fog and she realized that right in front of them was land. She was later interviewed and said that had she known that she was so close to shore, so close to finishing the race she would have found the strength to go on.

I really felt inspired by this story, there are days as I'm sure we all have that you feel like you cant go on, that its just to hard and your too weak to make it to the end. I have been feeling like that alot lately, but the more I press on and also put faith in God the more I believe that I'm at the edge of that fog patch and that at any minute I'm gonna break through and see the shore and have made it to the end of this particular journey at this time in my life. So I don't give up and I have hope that even though there are days (and believe me there are days) that I cant see the shore and I don't know how I'm gonna get through my fog, that I'm almost to the shore and I just have to trust and go a little further.

The other thing that was said today that really hit home for me was that in the bible it talks about going through the valley (being trials and troubles) no where does it say that we will stay in the valley, but rather that we will walk through it. So I'm walking through it and I'm praying that Ill be a better person on the other side. I think that's why life sometimes sends us a curve ball, so that when we get through we can be stronger and maybe help someone else. Anyway not to sound all know it all (cause I'm so don't know anything most days) but I just wanted to share with my readers that my heart is healing, its slow. There are ups and downs, moments of triumph and of sadness, I know that there is a shore line waiting for me at the end of this patch of fog in my life.

I love my Barry

2007-02-03T10:44:00.000-05:00

I just thought I would take a minute to acknowledge my husband. Barry is not only the best husband you could have on any day of the year but hes been my rock through all this stuff we are dealing with. I just wanted everyone to know that hes great! I'm trying to focus on some positive things in my life and not let myself worry about the things that are now out of my control. I'm looking forward to a wonderful week with Barry in the sunshine on Feb 11th. This pic is from last year when we went to Cuba. Anyway that's it just a shout out to my Barry, love you honey!

Stand

2007-02-02T12:18:00.000-05:00

I was on the treadmill at the gym and this song came on my I pod. I found it kind explains where I'm at.. Its a good song.

I feel like a fake..

2007-02-01T17:30:00.000-05:00

Just a small disclaimer: I know that my blogs are not funny or entertaining right now, for that I wont apologize. I has been brought to my attention that some people may have stopped reading due to the open nature of my blogging. I just want everyone to know that I'm OK with that. I write for me and me alone. If people want to share in my life journey that's fine, and if you prefer to just read the funny stuff that's fine too. Either way I just thought I would acknowledge that I know what I sound like, and for me this is what I am right now, so read or don't read I wont take offense.

Ever feel like a fake? I do, I feel like everything I do is fake, I smile and its a fake, I make pleasant conversation and its a fake, I go about doing things and it all seems fake. Let me be clear it feels fake not insincere, I do really care about people and the world around me, I just feel like my attempts to be part of the world are met half hearted.. if that makes any sense at all.

Is it petty and stupid that today I saw Marcia Cross on the cover of a magazine and thought to myself shes like 44 years old and look at her, shes due the same month as I was and she is gonna have healthy twins... how is that fair? I know that I don't know how she got there or what she went though to have her babies, perhaps she struggle years before hand.. who knows. It still seems unfair.

I'm sick of myself, I have to say that even though I'm going on vacation I wish that the one thing I did not have to bring with me is me. I must have great friends around me cause if I'm sick of myself then I can only imagine how they must feel dealing with me. Half the time I don't know which pole is prevailing the north or the south! People give me great advice they say be positive, put your energy that way.. and its great advice and so very true.. but also so hard I have to work so hard to keep feeling positive. Then the minute I let my guard down I'm slumped over feeling like dirt. I had a good day today.. there was nothing wrong with today, why then do I just feel so awful? There is no reason for it.

I have this website that I am part of its a fertility website and its got a section for people who have had losses to post and share things. Its pretty good, accept that when I go there and I see how many people are in my boat and how they are all struggling with the same issues.. and how they have been struggling for years with infertility and trying, well lets just say its very discouraging. I feel like the road ahead while full of positive things around me, its not so positive when it comes to trying to have a baby.

Part of me so desperately would give up anything in life to have a baby, I would go to any lengths, spare no expensive.... then there is part of me, the part that is fragile and sad that thinks I cant do it. I have not got the strength to do this again, to go through the whole process and even if you do get pregnant again there are certainly no guarantees that its gonna work out. I think maybe we should just adopt, maybe we should have a surrogate, or maybe we should just be happy as we are and go on with our lives forgetting about kids. As much as I tell myself that last thing I know that its not gonna happen, no matter what happens I cant lie to myself ... I don't feel I will be truly free and happy till we have a baby. You would think that after a month I would have a better perspective or something.. but it would seem like that's not the case. I'm a nurse I have been taught to fix alot of things, but how do you fix your heart when its broken and hope feels lost? I have no answers. As much as I believe that God can change things I still struggle to trust that things are gonna be ok. I wish that there was anyone out in the world that could hug me and tell me that its gonna be ok and that when they say it, it would be more then just words but that it would be true.

Its been a month....

2007-01-31T13:09:00.000-05:00

Its been a month.. I have to say looking back I don't even know how I made it to this first month anniversary. So many roller coaster emotions. I know that when stuff happens in your life that for a short time the world stops and grieves with you and then it continues to move forward.

I'm slowly getting back on my feet, there are more good moments now and there are less tears then before. Can I say that its all better? That the pain is gone? No I cant, but I can see progress and that counts for something. I still have days were its hard, in fact I still count hour to hour vs day to day. I am very lucky to have such great friends in my life, they have paved the path ahead of me with love and understanding. I could not ask for more. I also have a renewed faith in God.. I believe now more then ever that he has a plan for Barry and I, and while I may still get frustrated that I can't have all the answers now I am learning to trust and be patient (not easy for me believe me!)

I have made the decision about going back to work.. I think that the longer I stay away the harder it gets to go back.. so I finally decided that I will reenter the work world on the 28th of Feb. Its gonna be hard, that next major hurdle to get over, but I think that once I get back that will begin the next phase of healing and moving forward. So I'm gonna go on our trip and look forward to the productivity of work and getting back to my life.

I can honestly say that I am forever changed by this experience and I don't think that it would be right if I wasn't but I hope that from this I will be a stronger person. I believe that God does not give us anything we cant handle, even if we feel like we cant he knows our limits.

I miss Abby, I miss having her and feeling her life force.. but as someone recently told me not many people have the honour of having a daughter in heaven, and that is a rare and precious gift. I have a special angel that will watch over me and one day I will see her again. My heart has a sore spot when I think of April 21st and how I will feel that day, but I have to trust and believe that there is a bigger plan for Barry and I and that one day we will have children here on earth that will add to our family that now included our angel. Yes its been a month, and what a month its been....

Thanks Eryn....

2007-01-31T12:54:00.000-05:00

The nice thing about life is that you go through it and you make friends along the way, and even though you may go months and years without seeing them its nice to know that they are still with you in spirit all the time. My friend and Camp Co Eryn sent me these pics to remind me the fun filled days we had up at Camp Rainbow. Eryn and I were "Co's" Each week we handled (I don't know how) a group of 12-15 off the wall teen age girls. The kids would come up to camp with all the attitude in the world and spend a week with us. On top of trying to keep track of them all I was in nursing school and had the added duties of being the first aid girl. AKA the one to hand out the Ritalin- watch out Tom Cruise Ritalin is much needed in this world!!

We also had fun camp names, that we told the kids and parents (I guess they were trying to protect us from any issues that's why we did not use real names these kids were from shall we say troubled back grounds) Anyway Eryn was given the name "Tonka" like the Tonka truck because she was the tough girl (but I saw the softer side even if she had the worst music test ever! No more road trips on days off with that loud stuff!) I was given the name Daisy AKA Daisy Duke.. why you ask? if you have ever watched the Dukes of Hazzard you know that Daisy was always on the walkie Talkie giving instructions. That was me, on the walkie all the time.. and unfortunately I dropped one in the lake during a canoe trip and well it was never the same again.

Anyway a blast from the past these pics are. Eryn, you and I share some similar situations and I thank you for your ongoing emails of encouragement. When I get back from my trip I will come to see you. Thanks for reminding me how fun I am.

Getting ready to give out the days Ritalin!!!! I needed some too! Oh by the way the super blond hair.. yeah BIG MISTAKE! Why you think at camp that you need to die your hair on your day off is beyond me, must be a boredom thing!

Me and my cuddly Co!! To think that each week those girls tried to kill us! Who would want to hurt these faces... Lets never forget the 3 day out trips: wet clothes, dehydrated food, late night watch for girls seeking out.. so much fun !

I still love my Co Tonka! To all the good days past I'll never forget them, and to all the good days to come.

Remember this...

2007-01-29T23:30:00.000-05:00

I posted this picture to remind myself of a simpler time.. this was taken at a Christmas party a year ago. Things were so different then.. Barry and I had only been married 3 months, we were focused on just "us" and having fun. It seemed like a simple time, and it was fun, I feel like it was just such a neat time. I say this to any newlyweds enjoy this time cause you never know when things will come your way that challenge you. So when they do you can look back and smile and realize that you have the good times to hold you up during the not so good ones.

Keeping myself sane and together is day to day minute to minute battle. I don't expect that people reading this will understand me totally, we all have different issues and struggles to deal with.. but for me it is a battle. I feel like I wake up each day and while I aim for the positive and I work to stay there, the times come when I just feel weak and I cant keep my head above the water. So I struggle and worry and fight. The only good thing is that I eventually surface from what feels like near drowning and I manage to carry on.

So looking at this goofy picture of Barry and I what do I hope for the future? I hope that we can learn to play again, to have fun and not feel like theres a weight of sad somewhere in the back ground. I want to laugh and mean it fully, a belly laugh where at the end you just feel good. I laugh but often at the end I'm have a feeling in my gut that reminds me of where I am. I want to not have silence, sometimes I'm silent (that's so not like me which I'm sure most of you know). I can sit in silence for long periods of time just lost in my thoughts, thoughts that take me back to Dec 31st I relive the day in my mind with great intensity. I recall each action and feeling of the day and I relive it. I want my belief system to be easy, I want to just believe without the mental struggle to tell myself that I believe its going to be OK, I want to just know its OK and rest in that peace.

People may laugh at this but I have a mini lab in my house, I long for a day where I don't have an alarm set for 7am to take a temperature write it down, and later chart it on a computer program that will analyze my every female function. I have pee sticks for hormones, I have pees sticks for pregnancy, and if I were honest I would admit that I want the newest saliva tests for ovulation. I want to know how people do it.. how do people accidentally get pregnant? How is that humanly possible? There are like 3 days a month that its possible, I want to know how they do it. I wish I could take the advice that people often give people in my boat the "just relax and it will happen advice". I have so many books, and resources and tests and things to aid in this process that it pretty much sucks the life out of the "fun" of it. Poor Barry!

Lastly I want to go back to being naive to being just a girl who knows nothing about having babies accept that you should have sex to make one. Instead I'm stuck in my brain who chose to go into obstetrics and thus I know to much of what can go wrong and did go wrong for us.... So I look at my picture and I smile and I even when my heart feels heavy I tell myself that there will be pictures like that again, and that the future is bright even if my hearts not in it, perhaps my head and my heart will meet one day and decide to agree, that would be great.

Weeks ahead

2007-01-29T10:16:00.000-05:00

We are officially 2 week away from our vacation. In fact in 2 weeks I'm going to be sitting on a tropical beach! I cant wait! Some people want to travel the world and see interesting things and have big adventures, myself I would rather find a beach with white sand blue water and lots and lots of heat! As I look at the temp outside I can not stress enough how much I want some heat!

Next week I go back to see my Doctor. I am very anxious about this visit, I did all that blood work and stuff so alot of those results will be back, and its a little stressful to think that I could find out that theres something wrong with me that caused this. I don't know what is worse to think that I am the cause of our loss, or to look the doctor in the eye and hear those dread words: we don't know why. Either way answers of some sort are better then nothing. I expect that I will also get some answers about when we can think about trying again.

I'm trying to really rely on my faith right now to let whatever happens happen. I have been waiting for 4 weeks for this appointment that will be in 10 days, and I have places so much of my hopes on it... but I'm starting to realize that whatever the outcome its not the appointment that's getting me through its God. I know that not everyone who reads my blog believes as I do, and that's OK I'm just sharing my own thoughts. I just have to say this: I know that no matter what the doctor tells me on the 8th it does not matter because I'm trusting that God will be the one to get me through the outcomes and see me through my next pregnancy to a healthy baby.

So we have the visit to the doctor, the nice vacation and then I must face my scariest challenge.. going back to work. I have been searching my heart and I think that I have to get back in the saddle and face the world.... I like my job and the people its just hard to think about facing everyone and the questions that will likely be asked. Also the more people you expose yourself to the more chances that someone will say something stupid. Sorry to say that its just human nature... how many of us can say that when something bad happened to us that there was not someone some where that says something dumb. I guess I cant worry about that.. but its one of my sources of stress is dealing with people who don't have tack. On the bright side I think getting back to work and being productive will be good for me. Take my mind off things.

So as I enter February there is lots ahead, time to start to enter the real world again. I hope its easier then it appears to be. Lucky for me I have good people around me.

Thanks to my Sex in the City gals....

2007-01-29T10:03:00.000-05:00

Another Monday, a first week as 30. I just wanted to send out a shout to Julia, Nancy, and Missy for the great birthday on the weekend. For those of you who don't know Julia picked me up Saturday morning and drove me to Cobourg (I had no idea what we were doing there). Anyway we got to this beautiful spa, they gave us robes and we sat in this fancy room drinking tea. It was quite relaxing. Then what do my eyes see but an additional surprise of Missy and Nancy showing up!! It was a great day we all got massages and spent some time lounging in the steam room, followed by lunch.

The title of my blog is actually due to one smart husband (Ian if your reading this its you who first said it) The four of us are much like that show Sex in the City (I have most of it on DVD) for those of you who have never watched the show its about 4 women who are friends living in New York city. Its quirky and its about their daily struggles and issues and how they rely on the friendships with the other girls to get through the stuff they deal with. I can see traits of each character in us, I have been told that without a doubt I'm a Charlotte. She is the character who always tries to make everything perfect and is always very idealistic. If you saw her I think you would see it. I dare not try and nail down my friends to each character but I think they could tell you who they are most like. Anyway thanks to the girls (and the girls know who they are ha ha little inside joke there) for a great day!

The day was followed with an equally fun night with the men in our life. Who would not love Lone Star grill?? Of course the fun was increased when I was the center of embarrassment due to the staff singing and putting a bit cowboy hat on my head. All the could think while I was being humiliated was - how gross who knows where this hat has been!!

All in all a very fitting 30th birthday. Thanks to everyone who made it great!

Encouragement

2007-01-28T13:40:00.000-05:00

Well I'm glad I did not stay in bed today, I got up and went to Church. Needless to say I felt encouraged. Ironically enough the message today was about encouragement. I'm in a time in my life when I dont mind admitting that I think I need more encouragement then perhaps I ever have before. I'm lucky that I have good people around me, many are not as lucky as I.

I'm going to try and make it my goal this week to give someone else some encouragement who needs it. Perhaps helping someone else will help me to give back. I don't know why things are so strange in my world, one moment up the I'm so low. Its hard and all I can do is take it a day at a time. I think last night when I got home I let my mind bite off more then it could chew and it spiralled out of control and I let myself get sucked into the worst case scenario. I have to resist that feeling and focus on the positive, even when its hard its always better to try to be positive then to let yourself be negative. Anyway I think anger is a stage of grief and I was definitely feeling some real anger when I woke up, now I'm OK and I think I am gonna have a nap I feel tired, but OK.

I think I've said it all....

2007-01-28T08:56:00.000-05:00

I have been awake for hours with a feeling of dread in my stomach. I don't know how to describe it. After a month of blogging my way through every possible emotion, I find that today I don't have any words... no words to work through it and no words to understand it. I'm beyond words, and for some reason today I feel angry. That's all theres no more right now.

30 Years of Cherie

2007-01-25T22:57:00.000-05:00

As I turn 30 I thought it would be best to take a look back at the past 3 decades full of the good, the bad and the ugly (that would be the bad hair and extra large glasses).

Enjoy!!

This is how 29 looks....

2007-01-25T16:23:00.000-05:00

To the left to the left... all those who are 29 to the left.... Take a good look people tomorrow there will only be 30 year olds to the left!

Reflections of my last two days of 29....

2007-01-24T17:45:00.000-05:00

I have alot of thoughts in my head as I always do, so here are some reflections as I say goodbye to my 20's:

My shoes are to practical... as I approach gulp... dare I say it the big 3-0 I have come to the conclusion that I have nothing but boring shoes. I'm gonna be 30 and I don't own a pair sexy boots or shoes. What is wrong with this picture? So I went on a mission to find some today.. however I came up empty handed. The ones I tried were either fair to ridiculous or not that sexy. So I figure that gives me a mission for tomorrow.. I have officially 1 day left of my 20's... and I'm going to find those shoes.

I hate that I have grey hair.. another startling revelation in the last few months (thanks to a certain husband) that I have strands of gray.. yes not ver settling. So I have to take care of this problem. I need to take myself to the hair dressers and get something do, something that says I'm young and hip and there's no way I could be 30!

I should have started my family sooner.. now I'm leaving my most fertile years childless. I keep thinking if Barry and I had shortened our engagement, then maybe my dad would have been at the wedding, maybe we would have conceived sooner and things would have been better.. but I guess its all shouda woulda coulda and you cant live there.

I wish I had used more facial creams, then my skin would look nicer. I'm sure to turn into a wilted plant the day I turn 30. I am going to have to buy some expensive potion in a bottle to make me look 10 years younger.

I worry to much, I wish that I had spent more time dancing like no one was watching and less like everyone was watching. I think I did a good job of letting my hair down but I wish I had been a freer spirit.

I wish that I was going into 30 feeling more optimistic, I am to a point but right now Im a little jaded, I feel like I have been beaten down by life a bit. I wish I had a crystal ball that I could see the future.

People ask what do you want for your birthday, well I guess for starters to be turning 25 instead of 30 would be nice.... and I think everyone knows what I want ... but seeing as I cant have that maybe a really good quality piece of chcocolate cheesecake.

They are every where....

2007-01-23T16:27:00.000-05:00

Have you ever noticed that when something is bothering you and your trying to just move on and deal with it in a healthy way it ends up right back in your face? Its fair to say (more then fair) that I have been slightly focused on pregnancy and childbirth this last while. I am making good progress I think, being productive and trying to find healthy outlets to deal with my feelings.

I'm fully aware that when you go out in the world there will be babies and pregnant people, heck thats life... but right now I do avoid places that I consider to be "hot zones" of activity like children's sections in Zellers, school areas, and certain parts of the mall.

So having said that here is my story: I decided I would like to challenge myself and go to a class at my new gym. I decided to go to the Body pump class its a weight toning class. I get there and I'm setting up my stuff when what before my eyes parks it self right in front of me? a obviously pregnant women. My first thought was you have got to be kidding me! It seemed like a cruel joke that I would be forced to not only share this class with her but that she would be in my direct line of vision. I would have moved but at this point the class was filling up and there was nowhere to go. So I took a deep breath and told myself what I tell myself on a hourly basis: that is her life not yours, you have to follow your own path, your not where you want to be right now but someday you will be. Then the cute male instructor started the class (hey I'm just saying ladies I can appreciate some beauty even if I'm married!!) I was then so distracted by the pain that he inflicted upon us that I forgot all about the belly staring me in the face.

I find I'm very sensitive to this stuff right now.. don't get me wrong I certainly don't begrudge anyone there happy life or having a baby, not at all. Its just hard to see it and wish that I had it again. I don't feel like crying as often as I did (I guess that's a good sign). However I just find that at times I'm drained by my sad and heavy heart. I am doing better, and I imagine that it will get easier, but right now I just wish there was a day that I did not think about it every hour.... As I have been told and have come to accept its not a linear process, knowing this I can go with the good times and ride out the bad times knowing the will pass.

There are a few good positive things I should mention to balance things out:

1. I'm enjoying exercising and eating healthy again
2. I'm excited about our upcoming trip, I think its just the getaway we need
3. I am looking forward to going back to my doctor on Feb 8th to get some test results and rule stuff out.
4. I should be back to trying again mid March, which while it seems far away is not really when you think how fast time flies.
5. I'm enjoying the new Church I have been going to, I have found alot of support and advice to help me
6. Barry and I are talking about moving (within Bowmanville) and we are pretty excited about the prospect of that. We enjoy the Sunday afternoon drive to look at places.

So that is some stuff that is good in my world. There of course is more but those are the highlights right now. Life is up and down, but I think that I can look back so far and see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel... I may not always know how I will reach it, but I know its there and for now that's good enough for me.

Today was manageable

2007-01-22T22:30:00.000-05:00

Another day check off, complete, coming to a close. Today was alright, that may not sound like a glowing description to give to a day, but from where I sit alright is alright! I have really found that faith is getting me through this time in my life.

Today I started the day off by doing some work on a new scrape book.. everything was going fine until the phone rang, it was the lady I had given my info to about signing up for prenatal classes... of course I had to let her know what had happened and listen through her awkward sorry and stuff. Anyway I did have a little cry about that but I feel that I did alright considering. I was able to get back to my project 15 min later.

I had a nice afternoon I went to the gym and I then went out with a couple lovely ladies to see a movie. We saw Blood Diamond.... I will admit that I started out wanting to see a light movie to take my mind off life, however this movie was amazingly done and very moving. It did one thing for sure- made me see that my life could be a whole lot worse then it is! Anyway fun time Christiana and Megan lets do it again soon.

Its a baby step, I take things a day at a time, but today was manageable, and I do believe that I was not managing things alone.

The battle of the Mind

2007-01-21T23:12:00.000-05:00

People fight battles all over the world every day for thousands of reasons. For me as I'm sure anyone who follows this roller coaster of a blog that is the case for me. I have been and continue to be engaging in a battle of my mind. On a daily basis I struggle to control my feelings and not be over come by the negative thoughts that creep in. I learned in church today about the battle of the mind, which I would say is exactly where I am finding myself these days.

It is so easy to wallow in the negative thoughts, so much harder is it to reframe your mind set and see the good and the positive hope. However when you are able to get yourself there you see the world in a more rational way. I just want my friends who have cared about me through this process to know that I'm going to the win the battle in my mind. I am grieving and it is a process that has its highs and lows. Even in the lowest of lows I am starting to see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am finding that when I'm at my weakest there is enough faith to keep a candle burning that things will get better.

As much as I'm hating this part of my life's journey I have to say that I'm learning some new things about myself, or maybe just some things that I have forgotten about myself. Julie thank you for the talk the other night, it was more supportive then you know. I don't know what tomorrow brings and I still find it hard to deal with the unknown emotions that I will have on a daily basis I think that it will end happily ever after. I just have to keep the battle of my mind at bay and listen to the good that I know to be true in my life. I feel weak often, but for every time I feel weak I can also see some new strength, perhaps someday my struggle will serve to help someone else. That would be a wonderful way to honour Abby, to use our journey of her being to help someone else. We will have the family we dream of, I just have to trust that there is a bigger plan then I can calculate and control on a daily basis. I'm learning to have that faith again.

Sun Therapy

2007-01-20T13:17:00.000-05:00

Its official... Barry and I have decided that we deserve some sun therapy. We have been looking for a nice warm sunny vacation to go on. Last night we found this resort The Ocean Sand Golf and Beach Resort in Punta Cana. So today we went down to flight center and booked it. We leave Feb 11th for a week of relaxing fun in the sun. I think that after all we have been through this last month that this will be a nice chance to enjoy some us time. Below are some pics

Small pool, in the back ground is one of the bigger pools

An example of the room, I don't know what this one is but we will have a junior suit.

This is the whole reason I want to go, I think it speaks for it self.....

Cute, I think we will have a nice time. Something good to look forward to.

The midnight hour is lonely

2007-01-19T00:03:00.000-05:00

I sit here on the Internet looking for answers, but of course there are none as there was none yesterday or the day before. Its midnight and its lonely. I cant sleep and I don't want to. Of course the rest of the world is safely tucked away. I envy that kind of peace.

You can do anything on the net these days you can shop online, download movies and music, you can have conversations with people across the world.. but what you cant do is mend the heart.

There are so many questions that I have that have no answers. Not that I expect that by posting them here they will suddenly be answered... but all the same seeing as I'm thinking out loud I might as well keep going:

Why does everyday seem like a huge effort?
Why cant I just get over it and move on?
Why does every hour seem like a year?
How do I rejoin the regular world and not feel bitter towards people that have what I lost?
How do I not hide in my house for fear of coming in touch with something that might upset me?
How do I have hope that it will be OK? People tell me everyday that it will be OK and I try so hard to believe them, but then when night falls and I'm left with my thoughts I lose sight of all hope.. why?
Is there a God? I want to believe that there is but I don't see him, and I don't feel him and I don't understand how a God that loves me would take not only my child but my sanity, my strength, my ability to have hope and peace. How can that be?

I would rather be in physical pain.. at least with physical pain you can get medication and get well. People see you with say a broken leg and they say oh wow that's why shes in so much pain ,her leg looks awful. Emotional pain is so intangible that people don't know how to handle it. They cant see it and cant relate to it. If your in a cast for months people recognize that it takes time to heal and expect that you wont be running a marathon for quite some time. Emotional pain people think that as you move away from the days following the event that you should bounce back and move on. I wish that were the case.. who would not love to forget the bad that happens and just wake up happy the day after?

I try everyday I battle everyday to have hope and think positive yet at the end of the day I'm left with this feeling that I never believed any of it... for all my effort its a fake. I have the will to believe and the want... just not the energy.

There are so many obvious reasons that I feel sad... but the one that makes me sad right now is that I feel like I have lost my Cherieness... I feel like the girl who loves to laugh and have fun is gone. Dead. I put on a good front for people, to avoid making them feel uncomfortable that I'm so unhappy.. but in my true moments alone I feel dark and unhappy. I hope I'm wrong but at this moment I just don't ever think I will be the same and that I have lost a piece of myself to this tragedy. I hate what this loss has taken from me. Not just the physical tangible things but the things it has taken from my spirit, my relationships, my life.

People I'm sure may read my blog and think I have dove off the deep end.. perhaps I have. They may think wow it cant be that bad cant she just get over it? I wish I could. I cant explain to another person on earth what this is like. I was watching Greys Anatomy tonight.. one of the med students George his dad died. He standing outside alone when his friend comes out to talk to him. She says to him there is a special club that you can only join when your dad dies its call the dead dads club. Unless your in the club you don't understand and you don't know how it feels. I related to that. I feel like there is a club that I hope no one I love ever has to join .. and that if you are in my club only then do you get the feelings and issues that come with it.

I'm tired, yet not sleepy, I feel lost and isolate, but I'm surrounded by people. I just feel like there is no fight left in me. I try everyday to claw my way through filling my hours with tasks and as some would say "holding my chin up". Right now I just don't want to bother. I may just stay in bed tomorrow... I don't see the point in trying, it does nothing for me.

Small Blessings

2007-01-18T11:57:00.000-05:00

As hard as things have been these last couple weeks I have to see the small blessings. Today Barry left for work and I felt upset anxious and ready for a good old fashioned breakdown. So to try and help myself I went down to the computer to look up some trip stuff. Then the phone rings it was my boss from work. I was not gonna answer but I thought I better. I ended up having a conversation with her for a while. It was very nice, she was quite encouraging and a good person to talk to in that moment. I got off the phone and it rang again this time it was the social worker from the hospital calling me to see how I was doing. I talked to her for a while and she offered lots of helps and things that I could relate to. She helped me to see that I'm very normal (even though I don't feel as if I am) She helped me identify that while I am not feeling better I am moving through the grieving process.

I guess it was just a small blessing that when I felt like I was gonna hit the wall there were some people who helped me through that moment. I'm now gonna get on with my day. I feel like while I'm not at work, I'm working very hard to process what has happened. One thing the social worker said that made alot of sense was that because we don't have answers yet its very hard to move forward and its very hard to find any kind of closure. I could totally agree with that. She helped me to see that I'm searching for answers and there are not any yet, and that while my emotions and logic are off balance and not together in their operating that its OK and very normal. Its just nice to be told that your normal when you feel so abnormal.

Why are some days so hard?

2007-01-17T10:19:00.000-05:00

I don't understand why some days are so much harder then others. Yesterday was for the most part the best day I have had so far. However I woke up this morning out of a bad dream and I just felt that sense of dread for the day to start. I had this dream that friends were coming over to my house and bringing positive pregnancy test after test to show me. I could not escape I could only sit on the couch as they presented me with the tests. It sounds dumb even as I write it, but I woke up feeling sick.

I feel like on my good days I'm functioning and getting lots of things accomplished, but even at that I feel like my mind is always back in the hospital or going over what could be the answer for what went wrong, or planning the next step. Its tiring to say the least. Then on the bad days I feel like I just have no drive to do anything. I just want to sit and stare out the window.

Each day stretches out long before me. I have developed a morning routine. I get up see Barry off to work, I feed the pets, then I go to the computer hoping for some sort of email to connect me with the outside world. I then spend some time blogging. The days are long I for the most part feel disconnected from the world. I do try to get out and I call people.. but I find for the most part none knows what to say and I don't know how to tell people at times what I need. I'm feeling sad today, I hope it passes I could just use a big hug right now and for someone to tell me that its OK and that I'm going to be OK......

Working on me...

2007-01-16T18:39:00.000-05:00

Well I did it.. I went to the gym today, I dragged my butt (with the help of Megan) and we walked on the tread mill for 20 min. Not Olympic medal by any stretch but a start none the less. I have been out of the gym pattern for along time- 6 months to be exact. Ironically stopped going to the gym thinking that I was going to prevent any risk of miscarriage etc.

So this time I'm taking my doctors advice, I'm gonna go do some exercise (I"m not out to set any world records or anything) and eat well (welcome back to weight watchers)... and from there I hope to get my body back in balance and make it as healthy as I can so that I can once again open up the Bates Motel (uterus) to any willing eggs and sperm that would like to take up residents for a long time- 9 months this time!!!!

I am also trying to work on my emotional side, I'm trying to read good helpful books, and looking in myself at my spiritual side as well. I guess you could say that I'm trying to take a holistic approach to bettering myself. Even though I still feel sad I have to say that I have stopped crying as much, I think that must be a sign that things are getting a little better. I surely still have my moments but they are fewer then before. I still feel a deep sense of loss and with that I often find myself lost in my thoughts or feeling empty. I walk around with stressed panic feeling in my stomach. It seems to stay with me all the time... I hope that is the next thing to go. I guess this is what they mean when they talk about the stages of grief.

Anyway I'm gonna go make a stir fry and wait for my wonderful husband to get home. As sad as I feel its good to be loved, keeps you going even when its tough. I do thank Barry for doing his silly dance for me on a regular basis in attempts to make me laugh.. that honey is the sign of a truly wonderful husband.

15 vials closer to answers...

2007-01-15T18:44:00.000-05:00

I guess you could say that we are 15 vials closer to figuring out the haunting mystery of how we got here. Barry and I went to see my doctor today, and my doctor decided that we would do a miscarriage work up (looking for autoimmune disorders, blood clotting issues, hormone levels, thyroid, you name it they tested for it) for me and test chromosomes on both of us. So after the lab vampires drained me for all I was worth, I felt a small amount of relief that we were one step closer to finding out anything that might help us understand why we lost Abby. There were no real answers today, the autopsy has still not come back, I guess it takes time to analyze everything. I took a mighty huge list to my docs and asked her every question in the book, of course until these labs are back there is not much she can really tell me.

The other piece of the puzzle is we will go to meet with a doctor at the High Risk Pregnancy clinic at Mount Sinai Hospital. There they will probably do more blood work ( I guess special things they don't do at a regular facility) they will take an extensive history, examine all the findings and give us the results and go through how likely this is to happen again and what we need to follow more closely the next time. It makes me tired to just think of all this stuff. The good news is that all this will help to give us some peace of mind as we move forward and continue to plan our family.

I will go back to my doctor the second week of February and get the results of what they took today, and depending on what they say about my hormone levels I may go on some meds to help get my body ovulating again. So from there I'm told that we can hopefully be back on the baby making train by March. I was very frustrated to hear this today, as I was hoping it would be sooner, but my doctor wants my body to have a decent break so that next time things go well. She made a good point, what is 3 months in the grand scheme of things.. it really is not much, I will have to keep reminding myself of that. If there is two things in the world that drive me nuts and I hate its 1) waiting for answers. 2) feeling a lack of control over situations. It would seem I'm at the door of both situations. I guess time will tell, I just hope time goes quickly so that we can get back on the path to our family.

A Mustard Seed....

2007-01-14T14:36:00.000-05:00

Barry and I went to Church today. Its only the second week that we have gone, but I have been enjoying it. Last week there was a guest speaker talking about missions in Israel, I did not have much to relate to that, although informative.

This week it was the Pastor of the church (he married us for those of you who may remember) who spoke. I have to honestly say that I really related to the message today. I have heard people say that they have felt like a service was written for them. I have to say that is how I felt today. I wont get into going over the whole message but its was about facing the issues of life, dealing with loss and having faith that God can meet our needs.

I have been struggling lately with faith, I cant say that I have practiced my faith as actively as I once did.. but up until recently I knew that deep inside me it was still there. Then we lost our Abby, and I have to say that my faith was shaken, I started to think how could there be a God when he does this to us, how can I keep taking hit after hit. In the past 5 years I have lost a mother, a father and a baby.. who can believe that is fair? Lots of people lose things and death is a part of living but I guess in the faith department it makes you wonder how to have faith when these things happen. Anyway today the Pastor talked about how even if you have the faith the size of a mustard seed God can use that. I have not seen many mustard seeds but from what I remember they are pretty small. So I think that during the service I realized that I have a mustard seed, and my hope is that I can use that mustard seed of faith to reach out and hope that things can get better, that our dreams of a family can be realized. So I will go back next Sunday, because I'm curious and because I want to feel peace. Alot of the time I feel anxious unsettled and at war inside. If God can help change that I will use my mustard seed of faith to try and believe, even when I cant see or feel it.

Different but the same....

2007-01-13T09:42:00.000-05:00

Last night we had a friend over for a visit. Our friend has been through some tough times of her own, and while we were talking I discovered something our issues might be very different but in many ways they are very much the same. I could draw alot of similarities between her and I. The main thing that stood out is that grief is grief no matter what you have lost. It was surprising to find that she shared alot of the same feelings I am having even though we have both lost different things.

One thing that we talked about that I had not been able to really give an accurate description of is bed time. I dread getting up in the morning and going to bed at night. I was having a hard time explaining to Barry and others why I found this time so hard. My friend also finds these times hard. The reason I have finally been able to verbalize is that when I lay down to go to sleep my mind is filled with all these intense thoughts, its at that time that I'm back at the hospital, or that I think about all the nights I would lie in bed and feel Abby move. As I drift off to sleep I am consumed by my thoughts with no distraction. Then when I wake in the morning before I'm fully alert I have this pit in my stomach and all the thoughts seem so overwhelming and strong. Its like when your in that place between sleep and awake there is this haze that makes things seem so out of focus. It actually felt good to talk to this friend about this stuff, I'm hoping that maybe we both got something out of our visit.

So now I'm up starting another day.. Saturdays are hard for me cause that is the day that my new week would start. I would be 26 weeks today. So far when Saturday comes I cant help but think how many weeks I would have been. I find that I'm scared right now of people with Babies or who are gonna have babies. Its like they are a hot stove element. I don't want to get too close for fear of getting burned. I know this is silly but I just am so sensitive right now. Its not that I don't want people to be happy cause certainly I do, but its just so hard to see them where I want and should have been . I get scared that people are gonna call me up and tell me that they are pregnant... and that when they do I will just melt down. I'm sure with time this will get easier, and I can again return to celebrating their news.. but right now its just not possible. I have a family baby shower coming up in the next month or so.. as much as I want to be supportive I think that I will just send a gift . I cant imagine going to something like that right now, I'm still so raw.

Its funny how each new day there is always more emotion to explore, just when I think I cant possibly feel any more, or have anything new happen a new feeling comes to the surface. The pastor that we are seeing says that its like Charlie Brown, and his famous saying "Good Grief". Its good to grieve and to work through emotions, not that it always feels nice but its still good. My hope is that it will result in healing.

Trying is Trying

2007-01-11T23:00:00.000-05:00

As a friend recently said to me life is full of steps, we take a few forward and we take a few back, until we finally move forward. Today was a day of trying. Trying to think positive, trying to find ways to move forward and trying to see the hope that I want to believe is there. When I met with the pastor the other night he said that it takes as much effort to focus on the negative as it does the positive. I would say hes right its effort either way.

I really found today a challenge. I was lucky to have Barry with me and make me smile. He kept me busy with a trip to the mall for nothing more then a new cream and sugar bowl for my tea pot. Then we went for a drive, Barry said it was cause he wanted to see what was up in Solina, but I think it was cause my husband knows that lately driving feels safe. After that it was to tidy the garage and put those Christmas decorations away for another year. As I passed each bin up the latter to Barry I said a little prayer that next Christmas would see a lighter side.. and perhaps the continuation of our family.

I am learning just how unstable ones emotions can be. I have always be a crier I wont deny that, I cry at bell commercials and any movie that has any amount of sap in it I'm all over the tissues. However this experience has made me realize that emotions are a powerful thing. I had started to think that maybe I was advancing quickly and that before I knew it I would even be back at the hospital working with moms and babies. Then as we walked through the mall I heard a sound that my ears had not heard in some time... I heard a crying baby. Not the kind that you hear from an irritable toddler or a child that wants something... but the sound of a new cry a small very new baby. I don't know how to describe the feeling other then I felt like someone had ripped my stomach in half and I had to catch my breath... perhaps one of the most difficult moments yet. I did make it through, I took a big gulp of air and wiped the tears the were about to spill over and I kept walking.

So today was a little trying. The one thing that made today a bit easier was that I knew it would happen.. not like I was sitting waiting to feel bad, but that I was honest enough with myself to say OK we had a good day yesterday, that does not mean it will not be hard still. I started my list like the pastor said, it is up to 16 things that are not logical. It was interesting to look at the list and see how much I have been holding in. I got a call from my doctor today to see how I was doing. It was very refreshing to talk to her, we talked about what happened and how I was feeling. I got to ask some questions, although I did not get many answers I got a plan of action. We are meeting with her on Monday to talk about the next steps. Barry and I are going to do some genetic testing and just make sure that we have ruled out anything that could he a cause, so that next time the end of the story is different.

Tomorrow is another day, and with that comes my needing to find my inner strength to keep the faith that I can make it and that there is light ahead of me. I know that perhaps that there are some that are reading my blog and don't understand how deep the feelings are for me right now. The only thing I can say is I hope to God that no one I care about ever has to find out.... So I hope for tomorrow to fight my way through and not give in.

A Ray of hope breaks through....

2007-01-11T00:03:00.000-05:00

I know that lately has been a rather dark place and has been alot of sad things going on in my heart and mind. For the first time tonight I felt some hope. Tonight Barry and I went out for dinner with the Pastor that married us and his wife. I had contacted him for some support when things had been going astray with the pregnancy.

So tonight we went out for a bite with them, I was not really sure what to expect from the meeting, after all what could they really do for us. However just being able to talk to someone openly about our feelings was extremely helpful. Barry and I learned that we both grieve differently and that even though he may not show things the same way as I do its just as tough for him as it is for me.

I also got to verbalize alot of my fears, the pastor gave me a great idea for dealing with the things that I'm so worried about. He told me to make a list of all the things that I'm thinking and worrying about, and then for each one ask myself is that a logical thought or is it not, and if its not logical to write out reasons why its not true. I also came to recognize that I have been living in the whats gonna happen in 6 months from now and I play alot of the what if this happens, or what if that. This is stuff that I think I knew but for some reason was not able to address. I felt some sense of relief to hear that what I'm feeling is normal, and that its OK that I don't feel good yet. I have carried this fear that I should be better and that I should feel better. I now know that its OK that I'm grieving. Its gonna take time to work though it all.

I feel still vulnerable and susceptible to the overwhelming sense of sadness that I feel. I am almost afraid to go to bed for fear that I will wake up tomorrow and I will feel over come again. However I take a small amount of comfort that its OK to feel sad and that maybe the next time I feel that way I wont try to hide is and bury it I will simply plow through it and deal with it. I wont try to hide it from Barry but tell him how I'm feeling.

I also got to talk about my uncertainty about returning to work. I have some good moments where I think I'm ready. Then I have bad moments where I either think I should just go back to work so I don't have to deal with this anymore. So I don't think that I'm ready yet, after talking tonight I can say that I have some things to deal with. So I need to find something that I can do and enjoy and be productive to help me work though things. I have not yet figured out that that will be, but I'm gonna give it some thought. Perhaps a class or a hobby that I have always wanted to do that I have not had time to do. What I cant do is sit here at home alone all day and be sad and lonely. It was getting to the point I hated my house because it feels like prison.

This is one long blog, I don't even care if anyone reads this or not, I just am writing for my own clarity and healing process. I am starting to accept my feelings, and that if I wake up tomorrow and I feel sad and lost its OK, and just because I feel that way right now does not mean it will be that way forever. It also does not mean that because I have lost a baby and feel bad about it, does not mean that I will never have the chance again. One has nothing to do with the other. So now that I have written all this I have to try and remember to reread this when I'm having a down moment.

Barry and I are trying out church, we went last Sunday and are gonna give it a try again. Its been a long time since I went to church and I cant say that Barry and i have ever had a church. So I think its time we give it a try. Anyway I feel like a baby cow (for lack of a better comparison). I am trying to stand up for the first time, I'm shaky and I don't think it would take much to knock me over, but if I do fall over I will keep trying to get back up until I can finally walk again.

The feeling of dissappointment

2007-01-10T10:13:00.000-05:00

I wake up each day, I look out the window and I feel the weight of dissappointment on my shoulders. Its hard to explain I just feel heavy and an ache. I am grateful that this is only a stop in my life, and I feel badly for anyone who has to walk through their life with this feeling all the time. It is awful to just feel such a sense of loss and lack of hope everyday.

There are moments that I feel better, like last night we went to a friends for dinner and it was so nice to get out. I actually felt a bit like myself for a few hours. Then we come home and it settles back on me like a thick fog. I was having trouble putting my finger on what is so hard about being home. Then someone made a comment that made alot of sense, this is where our dreams and hopes for the future started. It is where all the memories are. I sit in my house and I think about how there will be no baby to bring home in April, there will be no sounds of a newborn crying. I wont be sitting in a rocking chair hold my sweet baby. The pain that brings is harsh and unrelenting.

I try to have hope to think that one day those things will happen but I just feel like nothing good will ever happen again. I feel like I will never get to fill this void. I so despartly want to be a mother and hold a child... I know that logically this can happen but right now its hard to look into the future and see that when Im back at the starting line. We were so close to the end and then poof it was all gone in an instant. I ache today, I ache deeply.....

Just because I feel like it...

2007-01-09T17:35:00.000-05:00

I spent the last part of the afternoon driving around Bowmanville and Newtonville. Let me tell you lots is happening out there!! I just could not sit in my house any longer. I needed to get out. So I drove. Some would say I need a hobby, not that I disagree but more then a hobby I think I need time to take the sting away. There are subtitle reminders all day long that remind me of all that I have lost... Anyway this video is not really anything about me its just a bit angry and loud. When I was in University Tanya and I used to listen to this everyday. I wish I was a rock singer and I could just yell that life feels like shit.

My house is gonna be the cleanest place around!

2007-01-09T13:45:00.001-05:00

There is no doubt that my house is gonna be the cleanest place around. It is only Day 2 and I have already finished almost all the laundry, I have dusted every spot I can think that dust might hide, you can see my bedroom floor for the first time in who knows how long. I have organized my drawers and pulled out stuff to give to the Salvation Army. Who knew that feeling sad and miserable would cause such a cleaning frenzy. Its part of my plan to keep myself busy and not sit and feel over come by saddness. Its a good plan but Im soon gonna run out of things to do around here.. let me know if your house could use a good cleaning!

It is an awful feeling to feel as though you can't just sit and be with your thoughts, because those thoughts are to hard to handle. The only time I get any clarity or feeling that I can handle my thoughts is when I blog. Lets recount this morning and how it went:

Barry gets ready to leave for work and I am able to see him off without crying.. dont get me wrong it was close. So he leaves and I start to let my guard down, then just when I think hes gone... hes back forgot his wallet. So I cant stop myself this time and I burst out crying as he leaves. Sorry honey that you had to deal with that this morning. Anyway I got through that moment. I decided to go to my daily list and figure out what I needed to accomplish today. One thing on my list was that I needed to call and cancel my high risk pregnancy appointment at Moutn Sinai.

I call the clinc and an abrupt forceful (for lack of a better word) women answers the phone. The converstation goes like this:

Me- Hi my name is Cherie Hembruff (have not changed the old health card yet). I need to cancel my appointment with Dr. Ryan for tomorrow.

Abrupt women- Why are you cancelling?

Me- I have had a misscarriage.

Abrupt Women- Do you want to keep your appointment

Me- (puzzled) do you think I should keep the appointment?

Abrupt Women- Well you do plan to try again don't you?

Me- (trying to not have a break down) yes

Abrupt Women- How old are you?

Me- 29 (did not mention turning 30)

Abrupt Women- Oh your young, you have lots of time, you should wait 6 months, but thats just my opinon.

Me- (confused) I should wait 6 months and see Dr. Ryan?

Abrupt Women- no you should wait 6 months and try again, to make sure everything is clear...

Me- Why should I wait 6 months?

Abrupt Women- Trust me its just my opinon but Im a mother so I know these things you should wait 6 months. Are you going to see your doctor?

Me- Yes next week.....

Abrupt women- When did you have your misscarriage?

Me- last week

Abrupt Women- Oh its too soon to see Dr Ryan for a prepregnancy consult, go to your doctor.

Me- Ok.....

Abrupt women- Yeah wait six months to make sure everything is clear, then you try and you come see us.

Me- um thanks .. ok bye!

As you can see from the above narrative this advice from the abrupt women was clearly not requested. I was tempted to ask her for her medical creditials, other then being a mother! So after that upsetting interaction I moved forward with my cleaning.

I know that this blog has taken a not so fun turn in the last week, but its cheaper then therapy so I figure why not! Hey ladies want a great diet plan? Guarenteed to drop the pounds? Its called the be sad, dont eat diet. Yup its working great, like me you too can be sad, cry alot and not eat - want proof? I have lost 12 pounds in 10 days! Thats right. If you call now for your diet information package I will throw in for free my diet plan: the page is blank cause you dont want to eat when your upset. Note (or fine print) for diet to be effective you must be devastated by a tradgedy and be unable to cope. I think I should surely write infomercials.

Anyway there are places to clean and things to organize.

I'll Do it Anyway....

2007-01-08T18:11:00.000-05:00

Even when its hard I will believe its gonna get better...

Day 1....

2007-01-08T15:45:00.000-05:00

Its day 1 of being on my own.. its strange how going through this experience you become so vulnerable. I consider myself a strong person... but this morning it was hard to not grab onto Barrys leg and beg him not to leave me. I knew it would be hard for him so I did not want to do that.

Today has not been as bad as it could have been. Barrys car died so I had to take it to get fixed and fill out EI papers. So these things kept me busy. I have given myself some very specific rules to follow. I dont want to let myself sink into a deep depression, so I have tried to give myself some daily structure.

My rules are as follows:

1. I get up with Barry and start my day.
2. I'm not allowed to spend the day on the net looking for answers that don't exisit.
3. I'm not allowed to sit on the coach watching TV crying all day
4. I set out a structure for my day to be productive
5. If I need to stop and have a cry Im allowed to do that, and I will call a friend if I need to.
6. I will work on letting myself heal emotionally and physically so that I can prepare to start over.

Anyway thats my plan of action. Its step by step today and it will be over in 2 hours when Barry comes home and I will have made it through the first day.

I know that life goes on and that while I'm doing all this the world continues.. Im finding it hard to take it step by step as Barry would say. I want to skip steps 1-10 and be pregnant again. That of course is not how it works. I have a waiting period for recovery so I have to be patient (and being that its my stronget attribute-not) Im finding that very tough. I want to be where I am not and not be where I am. I want to be on the other side looking back . They say hindsight is 20/20 I want to look back at this and see the good that came out of it and realize Im a stronger person for all that we have dealt with. Right now Im stuck crawling though each hour holding my breath .. that I will make it.

Innocence Lost

2007-01-07T17:02:00.000-05:00

An interesting title right? I was talking to a friend the other day who has gone through some similar things having lost a couple pregnancies. She was very good to talk to and I could relate to her well. I have been trying to put my finger on different things that I'm bothered by right now. Then yesterday it hit me I was at Barry's family's house having lunch and we were looking at some photos. There was a photo of us the weekend that we went to Brock ville and told everyone about the baby. We looked so happy and so carefree. Never in our wildest dreams did we think that anything bad could happen to us... not us we have invisible powers that make us immune from anything bad... or so we thought. So looking at that picture is made me realize that all our innocence is lost. We will never again be able to experience a pregnancy without worry and fear.. we will have anxiety at each stage. I will always question if the baby is moving enough and if its not will memories of this time come back to me? Even when we pass that 23 week mark , there will be no sigh of relief. I will not sigh till I hear that baby cry.

So with all the things that upset me and make me feel like I'm walking on egg shells just trying to make it through another day I add this to the list- the fear of next time. Barry goes back to work tomorrow and I begin the battle to keep myself sane. I would be lying if being alone for the first time in over a week did not scare me. It does, but I have to face it, I have to find a way to make it through the day. People may wonder why I don't just go back to work. I have thought about it and have come to the conclusion that I need some time to grieve to regroup and let my body mind and soul heal.

I have moments where I feel good, Barry and I laugh and things seem almost normal. It never lasts, there has not been 1 day in the last week where at some point I did not find myself back in a sad place. I feel myself start to slip into sadness. If I could have anything right now (besides wishing that this had never happened) I would want to be down the road and around the bend. I would like to be like Adam Sandler in the movie "Click" and just skip all this stuff I'm dealing with.

I turn 30 in 19 days, to think that I was so consumed at one point with the age. I feel very much like I don't care at all. If the day passes and I don't even get out of my pajamas I wont care. What I do care about and long to know is that next January my arms will not be empty as they are now. I wish I could look into the future and know that when I turn 31 I will be a mother. That is all I want for my birthday, and its the one thing that no one can tell me I will have. Accepting the unknown and living without the answers I want is my personal agony right now. I wait for the day when I feel like myself and that when I smile its real not fake. As much as I hate it I have to give it time, after all its only been a week.

The Words..

2007-01-03T21:51:00.000-05:00

I really wanted to share this song to its best and I think adding the lyrics will help anyone listening feel the song like I felt it. Here they are:

Two months is too little.They let him go.They had no sudden healing.To think that providence would Take a child from his mother while she prays Is appalling

Who told us we’d be rescued?What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?We’re asking why this happens To us who have died to live?It’s unfair

Chorus:This is what it means to be held. How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life And you survive.This is what it is to be loved.And to know that the promise was When everything fell we’d be held.

This hand is bitterness.We want to taste it, let the hatred NUMB our sorrow.The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

Chorus)This is what it means to be held. How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life And you survive.This is what it is to be loved.And to know that the promise was When everything fell we’d be held.

Bridge:If hope is born of suffering. If this is only the beginning. Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

(Chorus)This is what it means to be held.how it feels when the sacred is torn from your life And you survive.This is what it is to be loved. And to know that the promise was When everything fell we’d be held. This is what it is to be loved. And to know, that the promise was when everything fell, we'd be held

To be held....

2007-01-03T21:48:00.000-05:00

I say a thank you to Julie who gave me this for Abby.....

Music Video:HELD (by Natalie Grant)

Music Video Code provided by Video Code Zone

My First Words....

2007-01-02T17:59:00.000-05:00

Its very hard to speak these days, I can't make the words come out... I try to talk to people but I can't speak. I discovered today while writing an email to a friend that writing was very soothing and easier then speaking.

So I have decided to use my blog as my own sort of therapy. I know that you all have come to read my funny thoughts or daily bits of laugh bites.. but for a while I hope you will bear with me as I work through my grief. If its depressing and you don't want to read or comment that's OK. Its really just to release some of my feelings. I hope that everyone understands that.

I feel I need to tell my daughters story.. its weird to even say that. I had a daughter and while she never took a breath she was every bit my child as she was Barry's. I feel I have earned a bit of my mother stripes as I birthed her as anyone else would, I felt pain of labour and dealt with it. Her actual birth was peaceful, and quick... I was scared at first to look at her or touch her, but after some helpful encouragement from my supportive nurse and friend Sam, Barry and I finally looked at her. It was not scary as I thought it would be.. she was like a sleeping baby angel with these perfect fingers and her little toes. Its amazing how God creates life all her details were so unique to her. I believe that she had Barry's mouth, and closed perfect eye lids. The nurses put her in blankets and let Barry and I hold her.. it was so unreal to hold this little person this little part of Barry and I.

It was really hard to watch Barry hold her and talk to her, to hear him tell her how much he loves her was heart breaking, people think that because the women carries the baby and feels it move that she is more connected. Barry was just as connected in his dreams and hopes for Abby. He picked her name that seemed so fitting for her. I ask the question why every hour of the day, every minute... I seem to feel every breath I take and just hope to get through to the next one. I want an answer, but at the end of the day when all the results are back there may not be the closure that we hope for.

Barry and I want a family so much, perhaps more then ever before... one thing that has happened during this process is we have come closer together, losing and grieving together has brought a whole new stage to our love. As we work through the feelings we hope that at the other side is faith that we will have our family .. brothers and sisters for Abby. For now we have our angel baby. Abby will be cremated this week and we will decide in what way we want to honour her. It still does not seem real and I miss my baby and cry to have her back every day.. I hope that as time goes on there will be less tears and more healing. I found this quote that seems quite fitting:
"An Angel, in the Book of Life, wrote down my Baby's Birth. And Whispered as she closed the Book, 'Too Beautiful for Earth." Its very fitting.

Goodbye to our little one.....

2006-12-29T09:41:00.000-05:00

Saying Goodbye to our little one, there are no words to do this. So instead I take comfort in these words:

My prayer today is that we will feel the loving arms of God wrapped around us, and will know in our hearts that He will never forsake us as we trust in Him.”

- Billy Graham-

23 weeks and counting...

2006-12-26T17:32:00.000-05:00

Hope that everyone had a nice Christmas. We had a nice time visiting with various family members. It seems that it comes and goes so quickly. Anyway Christmas is over and I thought I would share a 23 week picture with you all. Yes between the acne, water retention and weight gain I'm feeling about as glamorous as they come lol. However its all for a very good cause so I will not complain (too much). I have been a bit bad with all the Christmas stuff going on I have not really been resting as have been instructed to do. However now that Christmas is over I'm back on top of that. I spent 5 hours on my left side today.. I have not started to go crazy yet (talk to me in 15 more days). Anyway feel free to call me and say hi I am feeling a little socially isolated right now and would love to chat with anyone of my fine friends. Hope you had a great Christmas.

Me 23 weeks

Merry Christmas Everyone!

2006-12-23T08:23:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas Everyone! I hope that all my friends have a safe and happy holiday! Barry and I are heading to Brockville today, just for overnight. We will be back Christmas Eve. Then its off on Christmas day for a Hembruff family Christmas. Hope that you have all be nice this year so that Santa does not leave a lump of coal!!!

The Waiting Game till January 10th

2006-12-22T09:41:00.000-05:00

Well I guess this pregnancy has been designed to teach me patience or something. I just got a call from the high risk cl inc that I'm supposed to follow up with. Apparently they are very busy and my appointment is not till January 10th. That seems like a lifetime away.... at least 19 days. So I guess I'm just sitting here waiting I have been told to do two things take it easy and not go back to work till I see this doctor. I better take up knitting or something its gonna be a long wait!

Update on baby

2006-12-21T14:07:00.000-05:00

Hi Everyone,

I wanted to give you an update on my situation. I went today for my ultrasound and got some good news. The tech I had was amazing. She was able to see everything and explained it all to me as we went along. She could see every part of the baby - well accept for that ever stubborn gender! Anyway the heart kidney's, limbs, brain all the organs and everything looks healthy and normal. We were to relieved to hear this as it was the big worry that the baby would be sick.

So what we need to watch for is the baby is a week behind, they have classified it as IUGR (this means Interuterine Growth Retardation- no it does not mean the baby is retarded). I also do have a low level of fluid. They feel that this has to do with placenta. They did mention that there is enough fluid that the baby as been able to flip from breech to head down back to breech. So we need to watch these issues and I will be followed by a high risk clinic for a while. I'm feeling pretty positive I know that things can be OK with these results, as I have delivered IUGR babies and they have been fine, just smaller. It also probably means that I wont go to term as the placenta may not hold out that long. My goal is to get to 35 weeks that would be ideal. So there will be some close monitoring and maybe a bit of a bumpy road ahead, but definitely an optimistic outlook as baby looked good today.

So heres the scoop..

2006-12-20T18:48:00.000-05:00

Well I'm finally feeling mentally up to writing this blog. As most of you know I have been having issues with my blood pressure during this pregnancy. I have been off work, back to work and now off work and on meds again. The blood pressure has remained status quo, meaning its not gotten any higher.

However yesterday I went for my appointment to see the results of last weeks ultra sound. The report said that the fluid levels around the baby are what they call "low normal". For those of you who are wondering this is what is important about the fluid:

Amniotic fluid fills the sac surrounding your developing baby and plays several important roles:
• It cushions your baby to protect him from trauma (if you take a tumble, for instance).
• It prevents the umbilical cord from becoming compressed and reducing your baby's oxygen supply.
• It helps maintain a constant temperature in the womb.
• It protects against infection.
• It allows your baby to move around so that his muscles and bones develop properly.
• It helps the digestive and respiratory systems develop as your baby swallows and excretes it and "inhales" and "exhales" it from his lungs.

So as you can read its pretty important. My doctor is leaving for a trip today, so she was gonna see me when I got back. Just as I was getting ready to leave I mentioned to her that in the last week I have not felt the baby move that much. So with the low normal fluid she sent me back to ultrasound. They gave me a written report and I went back to her office. The news was upsetting at best. The fluid was now classified as low vs. low normal. The baby is now said to be measuring a week and a bit behind. Also due to the low fluid its hard for the ultrasound to see the organs and limbs, as the fluid acts as a window to see whats going on. So my doctor gave me the news that she is concerned enough that I am to go to another facility to get what they call a Level 2 ultra sound ( its more detailed). She also has decided to refer me to the high risk clinic down town at Mount Sinai.

So all this news was very upsetting and sent both Barry and I for an emotional loop. The biggest concern with the fluid and measuring behind is that there is a problem with the baby's kidneys or heart.

I got my appointment set up we go tomorrow at 9am to a clinic in Thornhill. The nicest part of my day today was that my doctor has left me in the care of her partner (who I worked with at the hospital) I actually took care of his wife when they had their baby. So he took the time to call me at home and talk to me and gave me alot of hope and reassurance. He has also gone out of his way to make sure that the clinic sends me off with a written report to take to him so that I don't have to go through the holidays not knowing whats going on with the baby. Anyway I'm feeling more hopeful and staying positive. I know that there are alot of people that are rooting for us and praying for us. I'm grateful for the wonderful support we have. I will keep everyone posted once we know whats going on with our baby.

Please Keep us in your thoughts

2006-12-20T09:33:00.000-05:00

Barry and I are going through a some worries right now... I'm not yet ready to post all the details, but I would just ask that all our friends and family keep us in your thoughts over the next couple days as we search for answers. I hope that answers will not lead us down a path with more questions.... but often in life that is the case. Anyway thats all for now.

Happy Birthday (officially) to My Barry

2006-12-19T07:50:00.000-05:00

A big warm fuzzy Happy birthday goes out to the best husband in the world- Barry!! I know that its hard to have your birthday overshadowed by that "other" holiday this time of year. However no matter today is your day and I hope its a great one! I do believe that there are some birthday presents for you to open and a nice dinner out awaiting you after work today. Have a great day love you honey!!!

Think of it this way you have two things going for you this year: your only 28 which means you still have 2 years ahead before you have to face the 3-0, and at least your birthday is not in January in the dead of winter. I never know what to ask for my birthday cause I just got all my christmas presents. Anyway at least our baby will have it easy - theres not much to compete with in April!!

Its that time of year again.....

2006-12-16T15:33:00.000-05:00

No I'm not talking about Christmas, I'm talking about my dear husband Barry's birthday!! Barry has always had to deal with the birthday/Christmas parties and gifts. So tonight we are having a sort of Barry/Holiday fun party. If your reading this your welcome to join us by the way (7pm )!!! Anyway Barrys actual birthday is tuesday so when you see him remind him that hes getting old!!

Happy 30th Birthday Julie!

2006-12-15T10:14:00.000-05:00

Well Im happy to announce to all my friends who raze me about turning 30 that Im not the first! My dear friend Julie who lives in Manitoba turns 30 today!!

This is a picture from my wedding, Julie came all the way from Manitoba to share my speical day. Julie, we may not live near by anymore I cant walk up the street and be at your house, but in my heart you are still very dear and our friendship is the source of many great memories for me. I often think about going back to visit Elliot lake but I think to myself what made it home was the people and with all the people gone its not the same.

So Julie on this day I want you to do all of us who are turning 30 a favour, put on your sexiest outfit get out a large bottle of Red Wine (preferably Australian) and have your self one hell of a birthday! After all now that your 30 you can do whatever you want!!! I also hear that 30 is the new 20, so really your still quite young. Ill see you on the 30 side in a month! I wish we could have taken our trip together that we said we would do, but maybe now we do it when we are both 40 and there will be no babies to look after!!

Happy Birthday Girl! love ya........

All is well

2006-12-14T11:19:00.000-05:00

Hi Everyone just a little update on me. Blood pressure has come down and my doctor is happy. So I will venture back to work next week, hopefully it will stay that way. I am battling a bad cold right now but at least I have the time to rest and drink my fluids etc.

Went yesterday for my ultrasound. No luck baby does not want to be found out so I will have to accept that this kid wants to be a mystery. Anyway Im gonna try and shake this cold by next week. Anyway Im feeling better then I was and Im hoping to get some Christmas stuff done for next week.

For all who enjoy the Crocodile Hunter....

2006-12-14T11:08:00.000-05:00

This is I think the funnest Clip I have ever in my life seen! Steve Irwin meets his most dangerous challenge... Ross the gay man! Its about 5 min in length and just totally deserved to be honoured on my blog! Enjoy

Tis the Season....

2006-12-12T12:40:00.000-05:00

For what feels like everything to go wrong that is. (warning: this blog will not be very positive or upbeat read at your discreation).

So as the story continues Im still at home resting, now I have a runny nose, sore throat and a headache as well as high blood pressure. So being pregnant theres not alot of options for medications to take. The one thing that you can take is Tylenol and I dont have any. You may ask why dont you just go get some from the store? I would except that Barrys car broke down today and its in getting some expensive repairs done to it. So Im sick, carless, I cant get anything done for Christmas and now we have car repairs to pay for. Yes its the most wonderful time of the year... or not quite right now.

Anyway I dont have much else to say I think I will go back to bed and hide from the world. Perhaps some sleep will help me remember all the good things that we have to be thankful for.

My Guilty Pleasure

2006-12-11T18:06:00.000-05:00

If there ever was a guilty pleasure I have found mine. Its only this special time of year that one can find the glorious treat that is the President's choice Candy Cane Crackle Ice cream. Whats so great about it you ask? Oh let me tell you its a vanilla ice cream that has chunks of dark chocolate, and stripes of mint and lovely chunks of solid candy cane. It is the cadillac of ice creams. I am begining to think that this pregnancy has created some new sort of paranoia about the ice cream.. allow me to explain:

The first time I saw the ice cream this season I was so excited a whole case full of buckets of the lovely stuff. I remained in control and only bought one, I mean it was December 1st its gonna be around for a while right? Anyway a week later I went back to pick up a couple things and I noticed that the ice cream treat freezer bin had gone down by half its stock! Well hello its time for panic, I mean what could this mean? would that be the only supply? Would I wake up one day to find that there was no more? I felt a bead of sweat on my brow and I decided I could not let that happen. So I bought another bucket (even though the other one at home was not even half gone).

Still not that bad you think right? Well every time I now go to the store I take stock of the bin to ensure that the store has not run out. Where there was once maybe 100 cartins there are now only I would say 20. So here is my confession: my husband is going to stop letting me go to Loblaws because everytime I go I come home with another bucket! Right now we have three in our freezer. Im stocking for the long haul here people. If the world ends tomorrow and we can never again have the delight of the candy cane crackle then I will have a supply... however if you think I'm sharing I would have to say its unlikely - in the words of Seinfeld "I haven't a square (or scoop) to spare!

Hurry get it while supplies last!

21 weeks and 3 days.....

2006-12-11T09:41:00.000-05:00

The time is ticking on I have now passed the official 20 week half way mark. I must admitt when I look at some of my friends who are almost due I feel like thats still so far away. Perhaps thats a good thing as Barry and I have been bad parents the baby's room is still boxes, we have not settled on a theme and we have not bought 1 thing for this poor little child.

However I think my only New Years resolution this year will be to get ready for our new arrival. Im off work this week to rest as I have been having some high blood pressure issues. We went to see the docotor yesterday and the pressure had come down so thats a good thing, Im gonna rest as much as possible so that I take care of myself and baby. Its werid being home alone all week I feel some external pressure that I should be like getting things done for Christmas, but it will have to wait till I see my doctor later this week and get the ok from her as to how to proceed.

We did go to one Christmas function this past weekend- Julias christmas party. We had a really great time nice to get together with friends this time of year. Nancy and Dan came with their adorable little boy Rylan. Hes 6 months and just getting to that fun stage. It was really neat to see Barry hold him and to think about all the excitment that awaits. I know people joke about how much work it is and how it changes your life, and I know that while those things are true I cant think of a better way for something to change your life then to have a family to love and care for. It took a long time to get emotionally ready for a family but I feel like we are there. Now we just need to get physically ready so the baby has somewhere to sleep!

Good morning Baby

2006-12-09T10:31:00.000-05:00

Im finding that a very werid thing is happening to me ... I think Im slowly starting to feel maternal. Now dont get me wrong its not that Im not maternal but I just have not really felt that bond part that people always talk about. So then today I was awake around 6am (for my usual pee break) I got back into bed and I was lying there waiting to see if the baby would move. At this stage it moves sort of here and there not consistently. Anyway I was dissappointed when there was nothing so I went back to sleep.

Im sitting here at the computer having a bowl of cereal and then I felt this little kick, then another and I said out loud - oh your awake good morning. Then it kind of struck me that none else is here and Im having a conversation with my stomach. I realized that I have started to identify with my little bean that is really more the size of a squarel then a bean now. Its werid I feel happy when the baby kicks. Barry was so sweet, last night his cousin (I think its cousin) had a baby in the last week or so and she has been sending us pictures So Barry and I were looking at the latest ones and he turns to me and says looking at these pictures Im excited. It was so sweet hes also starting to really see that the reality is coming. Anyway I thought it deserved a blog to mention that the Bates family is really starting to gear up for the newest member.

The Luck of a Nurse

2006-12-07T15:53:00.000-05:00

Its official I have the luck of nurse. For those of you who dont know what that means allow me to explain. Nurses work in various areas such cancer, surgery , emergency etc. It is not uncommon to those of us in the nursing world to experience what we call unlucky nurse syndrome. What this means is that nurse seem to be prone to coming down with medical issues related to the are they work in. A nurse who works in the OR needing surgery, an emerg nurse needing stiches ... you get the picture. Anyway I can now add myself to that list.

Im by training an obstetrical nurse so what is the most likely going to happen to me? Im going to have some sort of pregnancy related issues. So it begins I have PIH or more commonly known has Pregnancy Induced Hypertension. In lay man terms it means I have high blood pressure cause by being pregnant. Its not a good thing to have it can cause lots and lots of troubles, but lucky for me I have a wonderful doctor and she is on the ball. So after a bad headache. bad pressure situation today I saw her and am now on blood pressure meds and off work till the 15th of December on modified bed rest. So Im gonna try and not have stress or worry creep in too much and take care of myself and the little bean.

Yes I know that these things can happen to anyone but ask a nurse any nurse and they will not only agree but have a story about a nurse who they knew who had some sort of illness related to the area they are in. Right now I know 4 nurses from the hospital that are pregnant and all are off for one reason or another. Anyway Im gonna rest and hope for the best... oh we can talk about my front lying placenta and breech presentation baby another day, after all only a nurse will have all these issues. Its scientifically proven.... well maybe not but it should be.

20 weeks and counting....

2006-12-05T18:12:00.000-05:00

Here are the most recent ultra sound pics of our little baby. Still remains a mystery as to whether its a he or she... but I must say (and I might be a little biased) I think we have the makings of one cute baby on our hands! Look out world!

My boss brought her baby into the office today (shes 2 months) and she has got to be the cutest thing in the whole world!!! I held her and got some practice feeding and burping, I must say I did not do a bad job- perhaps I will be better at the whole mother thing then I think! Anyway Im half way there.

I have some high blood pressure issues that my doctor is watching so I gotta take a deep breath and not let life stress get to me! Gotta find my Zen place and stay there till this little one is baked. Other then that I have Barry, family, friends and its Christmas time life is good who could as for more!!

The Rockettes Rocked!

2006-12-01T16:28:00.000-05:00

Barry and I went to see the Radio City Christmas Spectacular and it was awesome! Everything from the music, costumes, dance numbers and of course the famous Rockettes made the night a very fun one for the young and young at heart. Made me feel extra Christmas spirited. I have got a little clip from one of their performances. Hope it puts you in the Christmas spirit too!

Thank You Insurance Man!

2006-11-30T10:58:00.000-05:00

Today we had an insurance guy come to arrange for Barry to get some life insurance. (figure we should be responsible adults now that we are having a baby!) Anyway the guy is going over the profile with us and hes asking all these questions about us, then he tries to guess our ages. .... he says to me that he thinks I'm about 30 (which sadly is true). However he then turns to Barry and says that he thinks he is about 32. Barry is only 27 and is always giving me a hard time about my age - so I say thank you insurance man thank you very much. After he left Barry had a little complex about his age and I have to tell you all I loved every minute of it! ha ha ha! So next time you see Barry don't forget to mention that hes looking about 32 these days!

Baby is moving!

2006-11-30T10:55:00.000-05:00

Finally felt the baby move yesterday! I was sitting at my desk and felt this little flick, like someone had tapped me from the inside out. At first I was not sure but then I realized that it was indeed our little bean. It was a werid experience and I have not noticed since but Im sure its just the start of more to come! How fast life is changing.

Its a.......

2006-11-27T20:07:00.000-05:00

Well the verdict is in we are having a....

B.............................................................................

Baby! Thats what it is! Its an unco-operative baby in a breech postion with its legs crossed so tight that the tech could not see a thing! We tried and tried and poked but no luck. Anyway it turns out the baby would not let us see other things like the heart clearly enough so I go back in 2 weeks for another look to see if they can get it to move. Strangely enough when Barry came in and started talking the baby did a flip and they were able to see more of him or her but not enough to finish the exam, thats a bad sign the baby is already listening to its father and not me lol. Oh well better luck in 2 weeks! Baby Bates remains a mystery stay tuned.

19 Weeks ande counting

2006-11-27T11:46:00.000-05:00

Well noone ever said pregnancy was pretty.. Im starting to expand but its for a good cause for once! Anyway here are a couple of shots taken saturday night at the Genauto Christmas party. We went with Heather and Mike and had a nice time. Barry particularly enjoyed my DD status.

19 weeks eek!

Barry and I and the Bean of course!

Boy or Girl????

2006-11-27T11:44:00.000-05:00

Well the big day is here! We leave in 15 min to go for our ultrasound... the big question on our mind is will we have a boy in there or a girl!! We will be hopefully finding out today!

Stay tuned for more details.......

Funny Pregnancy Video

2006-11-25T14:37:00.000-05:00

Im almost 5 months and I am starting to be able to relate to thie girl in this video. There are certain parts of my body that I can no longer reach/see as well anymore. Im sure by 7 months I will be needing a pedicure! Enjoy its quite cute

Just for Fun

2006-11-25T14:28:00.000-05:00

I found this on You Tube... I have to say that maybe Barry can try this next time he stops for a Big mac!

Merry Christmas?

2006-11-25T14:22:00.000-05:00

I'm struggling with a strange thing I witnessed today. Barry and I were at the mall and there was two men talking to each other perhaps old acquaintances that had not seen each other in some time. At the end of the conversation they parted ways and said "Merry Christmas"... my thought here is this: when is it too soon to start wishing people a Merry Christmas? I realize that Christmas is exactly a month away today, but is it now a little soon? One could argue that perhaps they wont see each other again in time to make the yearly greeting, but if that is the case then does that mean that we should be calling up people we have not seen in months and say Hey happy Easter or Happy Ramadan just in case I miss you on that day? I'm confused about the social etiquette in this situation. What do you the reader think? I'm would love to hear from you. Oh in case I don't see you Merry Christmas!

Pregnancy Perks

2006-11-20T22:26:00.001-05:00

I have been waiting for the day when I would be in a class of privileged people. Millionaires have special clubs, stores like Cosco where its members only shopping, threes first class on airplanes, special "enhanced" change rooms at the gym. Now I can finally say that I am part of a group. Today at Toys R us there was little parking to be had as I went searching for gifts for Olivia and Josh. I looked to the left and the right and there was no parking... wait that is there was no parking for "regular" people. I look up and there is the answer to both my desire to be part of a group and to not park a mile away. The expectant mothers parking it was like a light was shining down from heaven directly in front of the door to the store. For a moment I felt guilt. Thinking no I cant park here, but then I thought about it and realized hey I'm 4.5 months I'm expectant if that doesn't count I don't know what does. So I pulled and parked with pride. Yes folks you may get stretch marks, you may not sleep well, go through painful labour and have a baby- but its all worth it if not for the child then for the expectant mother parking!

Good bye La Senza......

2006-11-20T22:17:00.000-05:00

I was never vary glamorous in the under ware department to start with.. but we have now hit a new low, or should I say "big". I have been living in denial for a while now, ignore that my current cute La Senza under ware have been running out of space. Each day I would wake up and squeeze my growing self into them saying they are fine lots of room in these. The it happened... I was wearing a pair the other day and I noticed that I had caused a little hole from well over stretching.. I chose to ignore this until that little hole became a much bigger hole. So it is with sadness that I must say good bye to the La Senza under ware, well I'm hoping not goodbye but just see you in the summer.

I now say hello to a new friend called the maternity under ware. I was skeptical at first due to their lack of aesthetic appeal. However after a comfortable now squeezed in day I can now say I am in love with the comfort of my new motherhood maternity under ware. Welcome to comfort!

We want to Hear from you!

2006-11-16T22:44:00.000-05:00

Have your Vote!

Well as much as I don't like strangers giving me opinions I want and value my friends input. So here is your chance to be part of the Bates Baby Poll. Leave a comment and help us decide:

1. Should we find out what we are having? (u/s Nov. 27th)

2. Do you think its gonna be a boy or girl?

Just for all you superstitious types here is some info about me to help you decide what I'm having. (Julia I expect this will be most helpful to you lol)

I have had bad acne all along so far

I crave sweets

I have gained weight all over not just tummy

Heart Rate was above 140

Chinese Gender Calander says girl

Minimal Nausea

So go on give us your vote!!

a thought from a Pregnant mind....

2006-11-16T22:27:00.000-05:00

I have noticed lately that pregnancy brings out the most opinions in life. Its like anyone and everyone who has a child feels that there personal experience is fact and proceed to tell you about it. Don't get me wrong there are alot of helpful people whose words mean alot to me.. however there are many who don't mean anything to me. Like for example the lady from my work who basically told me that I had "no business" finding out the sex of our baby... excuse me? I think that it is my business. Yes that's right my being pregnant means that I'm entitled to your opinion. How nice.
(on a side note we have not yet decided on finding out the sex)

The other thing that I enjoy is the labour stories. First of all I can now see how the inexperienced person must feel when women are telling their tales of 50 hour labours. I as a labour and delivery nurse can assure you all out there that there is no such thing. Perhaps it felt that long but certainly was not. I try to have educated conversations with these mothers about the whole birth process but of course because I have not had a birth means I don't know what I'm talking about.... right so lets see 5 years of labour and delivery, an average of 3 shifts per week that's at least 3 deliveries per week so that's 156 per year and about 780 in 5 years... hmm I can see how I must not be at all informed about the process as compared to the mother who has had 2 deliveries.

Anyway I do just nod and smile when I hear the tales of 50 hours of labour in the snow storm and how the epidural went into their spine and almost paralyzed them. I guess everyone needs a battle story, I'm sure I will have my share... I just hope its not 50 hours!

This calander makes me laugh.....

2006-11-14T19:04:00.000-05:00

I dont know if you have heard of this website thats called despair.inc. Anyway they make very funny demotivational calanders and cards. I think they are hilarious and want one of these calanders for christmas (hint Hint barry). Anyway here is my quote of the day.... lets just say its dedicated to all those who dont get it......

17 weeks and growing......

2006-11-14T18:51:00.000-05:00

I cant believe how fast time is going! I can already see the changes happening (and trust me my bladder feels it too!). Anyway I just thought I would share some pics of lately so you can watch Baby Bates grow!

This is us at approximately 10 weeks....

Fast Forward to 16 weeks and here we are!! Stay tuned for more picture fun.

Hyponobirthing

2006-11-13T17:15:00.000-05:00

I have been on the many websites exploring peoples various thoughts on child birth, and today I have come across something new. Its called Hypnobirthing... Which is defined as:

"HyponoBirthing is a method of childbirth preparation started by Maria Mongan. HypnoBirthing teaches clients relaxation and self-hypnosis techniques that reduce fear and tension during labor. Hypnosis techniques can significantly reduce the perception of pain during labor and may help to shorten the length of labor. HypnoBirthing assists the mother to achieve a natural birth without the use of medications. Hypnosis techniques utilize her body's own natural anesthesia and returns birth to a beautiful peaceful experience"

I have highlighted in red one particular section that made me laugh. Now I know that I have not yet had the delight of having something huge squeezed out of somewhere considerably smaller yet... however I think that from my experiences in labour and delivery its fair to say that its more then a "perception of pain during labour". I think many of my patients would be the first to say that its quite real!! I remember 1 client that I had that came with a tape of music and breathing techniques to "hypnotize" herself into a state of calm so that she would not feel the pain of labour.... do I really need to tell you how that worked out? About 2 hours into the tapes she was telling me very strongly that she would like me to call the doctor with his magical hypnotizing epidural! Yes hypnobirthing I will definitely put that on my list of funny ways to amuse myself while I wait (not long might I add do to my staff status) for my epidural.

I had some lady on this website I was on tell me that hypnobirthing has an 83% effectiveness rate, my question is effective in what way? effective in making lots of money for the silly people that by the tapes and books? Effective in the 250 dollars you can spend over 12 weeks of classes? I refrained from telling her that where I'm from the hospital that does 4000 deliveries a year that 75% of those were under medication. Yes that's the only hypnosis I want that of a big syringe of drugs! Amen!

Nick meet Mr. "t"

2006-11-09T18:29:00.000-05:00

For all you who watch SNL you will well be aware of this clip. Its Nick Burns your company's computer guy. I have had the delight this week of encountering my own Nick. Lets call him Mr."T". Mr. T is a know it all computer guy who when you call him with a problem related to your computer will tell you what an idiot you are and make you feel like you just stepped off a boat in a foriegn country. I had some issues with my computer he made sure I knew what an idiot I had been for "letting" my computer get a bad virus. So while he was trying to explain to me the details of what he was doing I decided that I would offer to teach him how to insert a catheter. I had a strong feeling I would definately be smarter then him in this area... I dont think he found me amusing, cause he made me leave my office or "move" so he could fix my incompetance. Anyway this clip very clearly describes how I and many feel about Mr. T and how he acts. Enjoy!

16 week appointment today

2006-11-07T17:05:00.000-05:00

Well today was my 16 week prenatal appointment. To be accurate I'm actually 16 weeks and 3 days. Anyway I went to my doctor and I while I was waiting to be seen I noticed some key things that I would like to share with you all:

1. People show up without an appointment alot. They will walk into a completely full waiting room, and with a room full of people who have been waiting (with an appointment) for a period of time and say "any chance of squeezing me in today?" No sir there is not, as you can see there are many people who have appointments and are waiting, so there is no squeeze room.

2. Body Odor: strong strong BO: people this is gross just cause your at the doctors and are potentially sick does not excuse you from a common North American practice we like to refer to as "Hygiene".

3. Small children in doctors offices: parents why do you let your off spring roam free? No its not OK that your sick child roams the office spreading the very germs they are there to have treated. They are not allowed to go behind the desk, and I can guarantee as from the perspective of someone who works in the hospital, the staff may say ohhh how cute- what they are really thinking is get your kid under control!

Anyway that is my insight for the day into the world of waiting to be seen at the doctors office. I am doing well, so far so good with baby, I got to hear the heart beat today it was really clear 149 bpm!! (I do expect that all you believers in the heart rate determining the sex will let me know what Im having to render the need for an ultra sound useless! ) (I'm sure you agree Julia lol).

Thinking of you today Dad

2006-11-06T19:40:00.000-05:00

Ken Hembruff October 31 1928- November 6, 2004

There are not enough words to say .....

You are missed.

An apology to my Husband.....

2006-11-05T22:30:00.000-05:00

This is a public apology to my husband. Tonight I decided while he was on the computer that I would go in the crawl space and get the water meter reading to call into the billing company. As i tried to make my way in I realized it was a tight spot and I was having trouble.

Barry's first response was why did I feel the need to do this at 10pm, my answer was unknown as I had just got it in my mind that I wanted to go get it done. So then Barry tried to assist me by reading the numbers from the angle he could see. He could not read the last number due to the lighting. He then suggest that he would do it later and this is where for some reason beyond what I can understand when looking back at the moment I freaked out telling him to go away in a very angry way.

After the moment passed I felt like it was an out of body experience and I have no idea why I did this. I can honestly say that I think I had some sort of hormone/pregnancy moment. I will tell you ladies the mood is not a pretty thing at this stage of the game, be warned to those who want to have kids your behaviour is a little wacky. Anyway I'm sorry Barry I love you, even when you slam the crawl space door behind me and tell me to "stay in there". Time for a time out for pregnant people!

In Defense of the pickles....

2006-11-05T12:23:00.000-05:00

For those of you who read pop culture king (the rival and may I add less superior blog) I want to set the record striaght. No anyone who knows my queasy gaggy husband knows that smells of a variety of sources make him gag/puke. So over the years I have developed techniques to spare him the pain of dealing with anything unpleasant that may upset his delicate sense of smell. One particular issue in our house is the ritual of Barry putting out the garbage. There will be sounds of gagging and carrying on from the garage on any given Monday night. So I have taken to flushing certain smelly foods down the toilet as to spare him. I have been doing it for a long time so I figure its not an issue. I mean if the bowel can handle Barry's daily deposits of "dropping the kids off at the pool" then whats a small jar of baby pickles gonna do? So I flushed it and it went down fine. It was no till later did we discover that there was an issue. So I ask you the audience to be the judge - is my wifely good intentions not the winner in all this? Thank you for taking the time to hear my side of the story.